Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers H filed for divorce - is it too late?

Yesterday, I ended up being very exhausted. I did manage to vacuum and load the dishwasher in between trying to nap, but did not make it to dance lessons. My friend called and wanted to go to the fair at 8, which is when dance lessons were, so I decided to go to the fair instead but then it stormed pretty bad so we didn't go at all. I don't feel too bad about it, I have not been sleeping well these past few weeks and I think I needed the rest. It's important to have fun but also important to take care of yourself, and my body was telling me I needed rest.

Today, I felt a bit sad for H - he is clearly not happy even thought he is the one who wanted to leave. He is afraid of being alone, I think.

I felt mostly okay, starting to detach?, but just now I was reading a short story with a sick woman (post-partum depression, I think, though it never said) and a doting husband, and I felt sad for me again. I don't want to lose my husband. I don't want to lose this life I've built with him.

I know it's hard to detach early, and though it feels like it's been a lifetime, 2 months is probably too early, but some days I feel just a...bittersweetness about this all. Happy for the memories, sad for the change, but mostly okay. Some days I just want it to be over with already, out of this limbo. Let him go if he is going.

I worry about him. I don't think he is being emotionally healthy with himself, fretting about having sex with other women and whether that's what he wants or not, and why can't he just find someone to love him already. He's not giving himself time to get over this marriage and he's already trying too desperately to move on. Like he's not acknowledging there's a void in him from this and accepting it.

Even though I am still trying to save my marriage, I am also trying to prepare for the eventuality that it may be over. I am trying to make plans for myself for the future. I think I may move to the state my dad lives in to get a fresh start away from here where everything reminds me of my husband. It's a little exciting to think about, and gives me something to look forward to, a light at the end of the tunnel.

Some days I feel like I should just move on now. He says he's divorcing me because of my depression, and I keep thinking if I could just be better then he would stay. But honestly, I've been fighting this depression since before I knew him, I don't think it can just go away that easily. Even if he does come back, I think I would always have that hanging over my head - if I slip up he will leave again. It's too much pressure.

Though, I feel that if he felt he loved me again the depression wouldn't be the issue. He loved me through 2 years of depression and then married me anyway and stayed by my side another 7. I think if it was the deal breaker he says it is, then it would have been the deal breaker long ago. I think he thinks I stopped trying, and that was the issue. If I can show him I'm trying...maybe...

I have another 10 days to file my answer to his petition, and then we have a mandatory 90-day waiting period before we can file anything else. After the 90 days, we can file whatever else needs to be done and then request a court date which could take a few weeks. I figure I have another 4 months at least, which puts me in January or February. Hey, he gave me divorce papers for our anniversary, maybe I can give him a finalized divorce for Valentine's Day.

Though I love him dearly, and feel I will always love him in some way, I think once the divorce is finalized I will move on with my life. I know there is still hope for reconciliation after the big D and who knows how I will feel then, but right now that is my cut off.

One thing I often post to newcomers is this: Don't follow your emotions, because they're all over the place. Don't follow your thoughts, because they are nothing more than rationalizations of your haywire emotions. Instead, follow your true beliefs. No matter how hard. Only they can steer you right.

This is perfect example. Another example is Cherry's WAH remarking that expected her to fight harder for their relationship. None of this makes any sense. But they aren't crazy. These thoughts do reflect how they are feeling. But they are all over the map, illogical, and inconsistent. This doesn't make them horrible people, it just means that they haven't learned the Zues rule.

A while back I posted an excerpt from my journal in 2011. My M was horrible, horrible, horrible. I understand why XW threw in the towel. For the last 42 months we were together I think 36 of them we weren't speaking, just out of defeat. It was bad. Point is, there was a time when I was really torn about whether to stay or go. I reread my journal, and it had all of these pages of writing about why it would make sense to leave, and why it would make sense to go. But in the end I kept coming back to the idea that there was something priceless about the preservation of the marriage, the family, and keeping the opportunity alive for our love to re-bloom. My point is that while I felt the feelings of a WAS, and I thought the thoughts, I didn't take the actions. I could've handled myself much better, but I didn't walk from the marriage.

For your WAH...that is to be seen. Sure he is feeling the feelings, and he is thinking the thoughts. He has BD'ed you. The M is dead, make no mistake. But as of yet he hasn't taken action that has totally burned the bridge. He may. Or he may have a wake up call before he does. It's impossible to predict. Just realize that there is a difference between what he is feeling/thinking/saying versus what he actually does. Truly believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.

And that is why it's so important for you to detach, and also to act on your own beliefs. You detach to avoid his craziness (whether he turns back towards the M or goes full steam ahead towards D, either is dangerous). And you follow your beliefs so you don't make the same mistakes he does.

Not only did I follow my beliefs by staying in the M, I followed them through the divorce process. If you read my update on my thread from 9/2 or thereabouts (in the "surviving the big D" forum) you'll get a good picture of how that benefited me. While I couldn't save my M, I am so so so proud of how I handled my sitch, and the life I have for myself as a result. Check it out if you can, it will be a way for you to get to know me a bit better and I think it demonstrated what I'm talking about pretty well.

Keep posting and take care.

I found out he met what he calls "the hottest chick he's ever met" yesterday and she invited him to join her out at the bars for her 21st birthday. She was too drunk and went home before he even got there, but that doesn't change that he "couldn't calm down" all day after he talked to her.

Also, he apparently felt the need to go on Facebook and untag himself in every picture of us together going back years...

Well, this feels like he's just really really done with me.

Wow, sounds like she's a real prize.

My DB coach told me once that when someone does something TO you in an attempt to make you feel a certain way, you can tell what their motivation is based on how what they do makes you feel. This seems counter intuitive because we're told not to mind read, but my DB coach said that this only applies if the person is deliberately trying to get a reaction from you, and if they are intimate with you emotionally. So here's the grid:

If you feel POWERLESS, they feel POWERLESS and are trying to assert control over the situation.
If you feel INADEQUATE, they also feel INADEQUATE and are trying to bolster their confidence.
If you feel HURT, they are feeling VENGEFUL at some pain they feel you've caused them.
If you feel IRRITATED, they feel NEGLECTED and are vying for your attention.

So- did he show this off to you? Did he do this in a way that you would find out? If so, how did you feel? What is he trying to accomplish?

Doesn't sound to me like someone that is emotionally detached. Sounds like a game from someone trying to act like they're in control when they're tied more deeply then they even realize, have no idea the consequences of their actions, and won't really know their true values until they get some hard wake up calls down the road and have to make some real decisions.

Don't try to manufacture his 'rock bottom', and don't play games back. But don't you dare give up csabo. Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Got it?

Thanks, Zues. That's the thing, though...I know I shouldn't have, but I only found out because I snooped. I saw that he wasn't tagged in any photos with me anymore, and so I got curious and I snooped. He didn't say anything to me about it, but he was sure talking to his friends and coworkers about her.

Well, then, let me give you one other suggestion that might help you take this less personally.

Replace the words "other woman" with "crystal meth".

He was at the bar and excited that he met someone that had some crystal meth. He wanted to do some crystal meth but he didn't get the chance. He is now convinced crystal meth will make him happy and is talking to his friends about crystal meth.

OK, now let's look at that...does that have anything to do with you? Is meth more attractive or desirable? Of course not.

Bottom line, he is in pain and is desperately grasping at things he thinks will make him feel differently. I hope this helps protect what's left of your worth. All types of people become addicts, it doesn't mean their spouse was inferior. Hang in.

That does help to look at it that way. You don't think it's just that he's done with me? I know you don't know him, only what I say here, but I'm trying to be honest and fair in what I write.

It's just, in this analogy where the other woman is crystal meth I feel like I'm pot. Like, he started with me and then I wasn't doing it for him anymore so he went to something stronger or more exciting or whathaveyou.

I'm about ready to call him out on untagging himself in all of our photos...going all the way back 9 years!! and kick him out of the house.

Like, what, he's just going to pretend I don't exist to all these other women he wants to date? He's ashamed of having been with me? That's intolerable. I feel so used if he's still going to live with me but he can't even be in photos with me on facebook from years ago.

No. You're part of the real world that he doesn't want to deal with right now.

I would recommend not having a big confrontation. There is zero chance he will see things your way. You see csabo, if someone can actually DO these things, they aren't going to suddenly feel bad about it when you call them out. If they were going to feel bad they would have before they did them. But instead he has a ton of rationalizations, justifications, and all kinds of other ways it's all your fault or no big deal. If you confront him you will only accomplish two things: 1) You will get to hear his recorded rationalizations, lies, and blame, just like pressing play on a recording, and 2) He will find ways to add your reaction to his list of reasons he has to leave, and just run further away.

Actions, not words. But no actions while you're emotional. If you start reacting impulsively due to pride, pain, or need to be in control, well, now you're acting like he is. Someone needs to keep their wits about them. Be a leader and act with the character you wish he had. If you can't do it, how do you expect him to?

You've got this c.

I don't know, it's not like I wouldn't notice that he was suddenly not tagged in any photos of us, maybe he did do it to try to push my buttons a little. I'm thinking he just didn't want the "hot chick" to see that he had recently been with someone else, but to go back all 9 years seems excessive. And time-consuming.

Thanks Zues. I really needed someone just now with this.

You're right, even if he felt bad he did it anyway so he didn't feel bad enough to not do it.

I've managed to keep calm around him so far, I'm not gonna blow it now.