Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #4]

With you as their Dad, I have no doubt your kids will be ok. Don't buy into the kids are resilient BS. They are all affected in some way and deal with it differently. It seems to me some of them internalize feelings and bring out in negative behavior. As a parent once you recognize that is going on, it's heckuva lot easier to parent.

Mules

ForGump - I pulled this off of JRuss's thread. I know this story in spades. Cool-As-Cucumber I had problems with while W was at home but the oddest things even now set me off.

I broke down sobbing on Tuesday because at the coffee shop (where I hadn't gone for months - no appetite) the staff missed me and one came out to give me a hug. I made it out in one piece but then the pieces all fell apart when I was in the car - all over a friendly hug and a GD cookie.

Don't feel bad about the tears my friend.

I don't feel bad about crying. Feels good in some ways. Obvious things make me cry -- usually kids and parents interacting in a certain way that resonates with me -- but yeah, strange things set me off too at random times.

Oh heck, I hear certain songs (used to be "our" songs) and break down about once a week listening to the radio on the way to work. I've decided to give myself a green light to break down every now and then, after all, sometimes you just gotta let it out to stand strong again.

Usually movies or TV shows that get me when I see some sort of romantic scene or when infidelity is weaved in to the plot. Lots of triggers out there for sure. And whether we move on or reconcile we need to use this time to learn how to deal with them to make us strong.

Alright ForGump, it will be hard for you, but you did not say impossible. So lets get low...what is it going to be? You said it is coming soon, what is it going to be? Tell me anything "I usually drink water, but on this trip I will drink only Pepsi or Apple Juice" or I usually make the hotel bed, but what happens if I don't?" I am not being sarcastic, but you have been resistant. Do one thing, one thing new, any one small thing - you will be fully and completely alone in an unfamiliar city, you said this yourself as a positive - what is that going to be?

Hope you are well buddy.

CT, not sure exactly what you're getting at but I'll play along.

I'm a bit of a vagabond in spirit, traveler, so when I go to a new city (I haven't quite been to this particular city before, although I've been to one adjacent just 25 miles away), I like just walking the city blocks. Go any where. I like getting a public transit pass, and pick a semi-useful destination (park, some interesting store, restaurant) and just hop on/off buses/trains to get there. I like finding hole-in-the-wall mom/pop ethnic restaurants to eat at.

And I have no problem just cutting out from my official schedule, and just hitting the road. So I'll probably do that. Doing so isn't new for me, but I will be seeing new places by doing so.

I also like browsing at bookstores, small arts/crafts kind of stores, getting a cup of coffee at a random coffee house...

Does that work?

I like motion.

I updated my signature to note that my W is a mix of MLC, BPD (borderline personality disorder) and WW. I'm never fully satisfied with labels, and I believe that while these categories are helpful, people don't always fall clearly into one category or another.

Also changed my sig to say that she had a delusional affair (DA). She carried on a one-way emotional affair where OM did not reciprocate in any way, and she believes to this day that there was a relationship. I believe delusional thinking (psychosis) is common among BPD sufferers.

I'm very sad to write this about my W.

I've been slacking in keeping up with everyone this past week, but I'm taking the same tact FG. Let the W drive pushing this thing forward if it's what she wants. Don't stand in the way if they do push it, but don't do all the work for them. I think that shows your strength to her.

That said, do protect yourself and be knowledgeable like everyone else said. Knowing you though, I'm sure you've already done this to a large degree.

Mules, your posts are very helpful for all of us in-house S folks. It's nice to see someone who has survived and thrived after the "joys" of in-house S. Very stressful 24/7. It seems like we are all destined to be more hardened and stronger when we come out on the other side. I also worry about trust in the future, but it sounds like you've figured it out.

FG keep being strong brother. You're doing good things, keep it up!

Yes it does buddy - that is all I was driving at. I believe you misunderstood me greatly when you and Rose had an exchange:



Rose888 was spot on - why not stretch a bit? I was not referring to living like a single man, I was referring to expanding your own challenges. So now that I know going on trips and exploring is something about you that is normal, what could you do that isn't? Would it be going to a movie a lone, going to see a local band by yourself, or simply engaging a woman in a way that makes her smile?

I like the making a woman smile for a reason - you are a man, men feel a burst of confidence when they make a woman smile, and I would bet this might be a challenge. It does not have to be superficial or ulterior - just believe in what you say and you will succeed. You did not need to do such things when you had no reason to doubt your M, but now such a small exchange you may find helpful.

I will even give you two things to say, you can easily mean them genuinely (and should). You can make it easy and say them to a cashier or someone in front of you in a line : when finishing up with a cashier, say something really unique - instead of "Have a good one" or "Thanks, have a nice day", make direct eye contact and smile slightly and say "I really hope the rest of your day is amazing. Take care" You know who doesn't say that - everyone else but you, and thus you win a smile. Here is another, when you check into your flight or your hotel, chose the line with a female employee, when wrapping up, direct eye contact and a slight smile say "I bet your job is really challenging and I just want to say that you were really helpful and I appreciate it. Thank you for that". This is really EASY, but can be a challenge and you accomplish three things: you practice direct eye contact, you practice self confidence in an are outside of work, and (most important) because you meant what you said, you made someone smile, which makes both of you feel good.

FG, you are in a crisis of self-confidence and pain right now. Maybe just try one of my suggestions just once and note how it makes you feel. If you try it and it makes you feel better, imagine if you could behave that way every single day - with confidence, with honesty, with deliberate positive attitude. Believe me or don't, tell me you feel bad for your kids or don't, I am telling you that what I suggested above, I did that, and it works. It works one very small step at a time, it combines with other things, and the change comes man. You need something for FG right now. Try it on one of those mom n popp restaurant waitresses mid-meal: waitres,"How is everything" FG, "You know these greens are so good I bet they'd make a puppy pull a freight train, I'm doing really good. Thank you" Now that is a true southern boy example, but it makes a smile every time, yes its a silly thing to say, but unique. Try it, eye contact, smile, something the person would not usually hear, wins a smile. You are not single, you are a human, you can make a difference to others and to yourself. That is what I was getting at - challenge your self.

Mules, that was exactly the answer I was curious about. Tanks for taking the time to post it.