Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers H filed for divorce - is it too late?

That's pretty strong pursuing.

I'm not saying you can't invite him to do something with you, but it should be along the lines of "I am going to do X. Want to join me?" And then, you do X whether or not he joins you, even if it means you leave him home alone and miss out on time with him.

Definitely don't share the ideas in your post (wanting to enjoy the time you have left).

It doesn't feel like "pursuing" if I'm admitting defeat, but I can see how it would be since it would be asking for time/attention and telling him how important he is to me. It's all so counter-intuitive sometimes. Thanks for the feedback, Rose.

Sometimes I feel like I just need to tell someone my stupid ideas so they can say, no that's a stupid idea, and then I get it out of my system, haha.

That's how most of us are.

It's easier to see it in other people's situations, and only gradually do we start to see it in our own.

I feel the same way. I can't tell you how many times I thought to try something but reading this board has kept me from doing it.

Have my first session with a DB coach in an hour. Any advice? I'm excited and nervous!!

I have no advice, but let your DB coach guide you. I have one last session I have to schedule and I'm waiting for the right time. My W used a lot of my DB against me during my temporary spousal support hearing, but I still wouldn't change a thing my DB coach has suggested.

Good luck.

Hi RDS, curious to know how/what was used against you?

Speaking on behalf of RDS...his DB coach advised him to write a letter apologizing for his contributions to the breakdown of the marriage. My DB coach did the same, and I still have a copy of the letter I sent.

In his case WAW used this letter in court to try to provide evidence that he was emotionally abusive and she had to leave, or along those lines.

In my opinion this is primarily a betrayal of trust, as I seriously doubt this letter influenced much of the outcome unless there are things RDS is keeping from us that he shared in writing with XW. But WAW told him she only followed the advice of her lawyer. And while I don't agree with her lawyer advising this, nor do I grant WAW amnesty for not vetoing it, I can certainly see how this could happen. Point is, this is mostly an emotional betrayal, not such a legal risk in my humble opinion. After all, while the letter may state some things he contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, it's very existence demonstrates he is a loving, committed husband with oodles of character.

The key is to let go of expectations. They have to go. Even when it comes to privacy. It's hard. I wrote a 7 page letter to my XW one time bearing my soul to her at one point during our M, and I later found out she forwarded it to her friends and her mom and asked 'what am I supposed to do with this?' I never had felt more betrayed. I compared it to if I had video recorded her making love and played it at my friend's house while a bunch of us drank beers and laughed. It was brutal. So I get the betrayal. But in the end we have to drop expectations and just act the way we believe we should because it's right, not because we think it will be appreciated, reciprocated, respected, or rewarded.

Do tell us how the session went and hang in!

Session with coach went really well. He pointed out some things I hadn't thought of that way before. He didn't seem daunted by my situation, so it renewed a little bit of hope. He also seemed to really understand my situation, he said H is a WAS and his core beliefs are that he knows me and that I can't change. H said those exact things to me as reasons not to try to work things out.

My next steps are continue GAL but trying to find things that really excite me and make my joyful, rather than just things to do. Also trying to add laughter and joy into my life more, even if it's just watching comedians before talking to him.

Currently at the dr getting checked out again for the sex issue, so working that angle too. Might not pay off right away as I'm not going to pursue him, but if things start getting better and we get to a point where he wants to have sex I want it to be better.