Yeah, I know that. I learnt the hard way last time that I just leapt straight back at it. So I would definitely play things oh so very different this time if we were to get there. He has talked through an issue of wanting to feel loved, and he feels that's why he likes the attention from other women. He seems like he is starting to seriously think that through and actually is acknowledging that that is his issue. And one that he would have to rectify. Last time, he didn't take the blame for any of his actions.
My agenda is still to carry on as I have been. Taking care of me and my babies. I listened and validated and said that it sounded like he had a lot to figure out. I really don't want to make any movements or make anything easy like the last time, just to find myself in and endless cycle. It takes too long to pick myself up and I realise now that I deserve someone who loves and cares for me.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I think your right just carry on as if nothing has changed and let him do all the hard work now. You've carried the weight of your marriage for far too long so now it's his turn to pick up the slack!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I know I should maybe be more excited. But I just feel like I need to tread carefully. He needs to take full charge of his issues and how he's going to overcome them. And to show me he's willing to do whatever it takes.
He could just of had a shock from me pulling back and gave atarted to become concerned at what he may loose, I saw blu say on you thread how she had a few false starts from her h before he put the work in and came through.
Me, S and a gal pal went out for food this evening which was nice. Though after a day at work, all I really wanted was a nap! But it was nice to get out really and have S involved. He loves the fuss he gets from everyone!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Glad that you are taking it carefully and still going out and GALing!!! This is such a roller coaster ride but you already know that! haha...you are doing a great job!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
No Cherry, you should not feel more excited. He has already taken you on this same ride before. Are you keeping up with Sara's sitch. Same thing. Your H needs some serious self help before you should give a crap about anything he does. Blu continues to tell you this.
Originally Posted By: Cherry
But I just feel like I need to tread carefully.
Why not take the approach that you have been given by others that have already travelled this road. Stop treading and start walking....to your own beat. If he feels no loss. You will lose.
Originally Posted By: Cherry
He needs to take full charge of his issues and how he's going to overcome them. And to show me he's willing to do whatever it takes.
I think we keep hearing you say this, but your actions tell a slightly different story. Actions, not words will benefit you most. Your H senses this.
Originally Posted By: Cherry
He could just of had a shock from me pulling back and gave atarted to become concerned at what he may loose, I saw blu say on you thread how she had a few false starts from her h before he put the work in and came through.
Blu also tells you that without him feeling true loss, he is not going to get himself together. No, I don't think he is in shock... I think he is cake eating.... He has been able to do that for over a year now And you are allowing it.
Cherry my dear. You have got to step back. When was the last time you read DB/DR? Have you worked with a DB coach? Are you seeking out the stories in this forum with folks that have successfully managed these trechourous waters or are you staying in the stories of folks that are ruminating in the pain and providing poor advice and comfort and struggling in their own sitch? This community is full of folks that have made it to the other side. Yet there is an odd trend of many simply sticking with the others that are struggling in the same boat.
Misery like company perhaps.......
Or a different school of thought may be, Success wants to be in the company of other success and take chances doing work that is counter intuitive.
Think on that.
You have a ways to go and your thread is full of many others barely treading water, and those that can pull you to shore appear to be brushed aside with the comments that venting on here helps out there.
But is it really helping? Or is it keeping you stuck.
Our friend Zeus posted this today.
Quote:
One question I was asked by an employee once was this: What is the difference between VENTING and NEGATIVITY. I thought about it for a few days, and here's what I came up with:
VENTING is when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope. Finding yourself in the red zone you need to blow off some steam to a friend or outlet. But then, after cooling down, you look at your situation, take accountability, and ultimately do better in the future. You think about new ways to look at things, process it, and mentally prepare so next time this stimulus occurs you won't boil over again. You recognize that YOU are the thing that needs to change, and you make those changes.
NEGATIVITY starts the same, when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope, and blowing off steam to a friend or outlet. But then it shifts, and instead of holding yourself accountable, you go on to blame the world around us. You conclude that the world and people in it are the problem, and that there is no way you can not be upset or angry or negative as long as your environment and the people around remain unchanged. This leads to frustration with our inability to control things around us, and a repetitive cycle where we get upset about the same things again and again without growth or relief.
I think of many stories here where the venting and focus on every little thing the WS does, quickly changes to more permanent thoughts and focus,and in turn it starts to create the sad reality that is getting so much focus.
I am challenging you to start today with your story here, and post what you are learning. What you are doing differently. How you are changing to be the woman only a fool would leave. No more chat of your WH or what you think every little thing he does has a meaning or lack there of.
“A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to produce its results on the character and circumstances. A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances. ”James Allen
I am pulling for you Cherry. Each day I follow your story with hope of seeing you put into action the things that those that have truly experienced a similar journey, are sharing with you.
I hope something here in my thoughts may inspire you to take a different step forward. You deserve more than you are settling for right now.
(((((Cherry)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I wish I had time to read through this and post, but I will later tonight. I glanced at the posts and had to chime in!
1. Nothing has changed and there is nothing to be excited about! No minding reading and no believing anything he says! 2. Do not let this give you hope and do not change anything you are doing. So he may have some confusion or doubts? I think that is everyone, even those that file and do D. 3. Continue to DB, continue follow Sandi's rules, and pay him NO MIND! If anything step back a little further and protect your heart.
Even if he calls you today crying and says "I miss you, I am sorry, I want you back," still NOTHING from your side changes. This is a LONG process. He is no where near where he needs to be! He needs to get out so you can focus on you and kids. Got it? IF you can do this, you are also more likely to have success later on ....
I'll be back later! Running out door. (((Cherry)))
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Stay the course. You can validate if he talks to you but don't pursue him or seem like you're hanging on. You don't want to repeat old behavior and H really needs to want to fix things and make a change in himself.
Let the shoe be on the other foot for awhile. He can pursue and if he is genuine he will do whatever he needs to AND he will understand WHY he needs to do it
Sorry but I disagree SH. I don't see that Cherry has been given poor advice by others, yes comfort but I thought that was what this board was all about.
As with anyone on this board Cherry is able to take or leave any advice whether it is from someone ruminating and in pain in their own sich or someone who has been through this and come out the other side. She can see what is good or bad and I can't see anyone on here on here has given advice which will make her sich worse.
I have read posts from the piecing forums and whilst they help to give hope they aren't all full of success stories and are full of people still in a huge amount of pain.
Cherry admits that she made the mistake of taking H back too quickly the last time and wont make that mistake again and we all agree. Most of us may not have been through her particular circumstances before but we are all grown up enough to tread carefully when dolling out advice and hope that we are able to provide support and comfort in our own way as much as someone who has been here a long time.
Sorry just my two pennies.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
In addition as Cherry is seeing a very small breakthrough in her H's attitude towards communication, whatever his motives might be, goes to show that Cherry has been listening and implementing the advice of the vets on here so she should be given some credit for this. She just happens to now be at another stage at which she might need different advice to help her navigate her sich
Sorry, but I feel a bit upset that just because some of us who comment on Cherry's sich haven't successfully saved our marriages that we wouldn't be any help to her.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
