Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I went to a support group last night at church. She text me and asked what meeting I had? I just told her it was something I was doing to improve myself and left it at that. I know that had to anger her. I cant talk to her about anything at this point because all it is doing is pushing her away. So I just need to live my own life? Should I be friendly and just not talk relationship or affair? just keep it about the kids needs?
Married 15 Years 2 Kids B10 G13 Never has there ever been anything like this in the past. That is why it is so hard for me to accept. It is so completely out of character for her and that is why I am willing to work on this and just not run. I recognize for her to go to a place like this, I must assume part of the blame for it and try and fix it. She is just not willing to work on anything yet. I hope we get there.
I went to a support group last night at church. She text me and asked what meeting I had? I just told her it was something I was doing to improve myself and left it at that. I know that had to anger her. I cant talk to her about anything at this point because all it is doing is pushing her away. So I just need to live my own life? Should I be friendly and just not talk relationship or affair? just keep it about the kids needs?
Hello help123,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You have really good questions. Focus on being the best Dad and Help123 that only a fool would leave. You can fix yourself, but you can't fix her. It is ok that she isn't willing to work on anything right now. There is much that you can do.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
She asked me one night,"hey dad, are you gonna stay up reading tonight?" to which I replied yes. She said," why don't you come in my room and read with me". It meant the world to me.
This is so heartening to hear. Keep it up! Not to impress the W but for your kids and yourself.
What have you told your kids so far, if anything?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
My one really big mistake in all this. The day I found out about the A it was 3 in the afternoon. I was such a train wreck that I went immediately to we are divorcing. I think that was my W hope. For whatever reason, I couldn't stand not telling the kids. We sat them down and told them that night that we were not getting along any longer and were going to divorce. Ugggg, so stupid....Now that I have slowed down with everything, I realize what a huge mistake this was. On two occasions my wife has said "we are confusing the kids". We were still sleeping in the same room for several nights and then I moved into the guest room because it was "confusing the kids". They no nothing of the A and never will.
How do I change the relationship dynamics at this point in time or is that a long term thing. If I start to address the issues of or relationship now it will just push her farther away? All I am focused on at this point is me because that is what I can control. I am making myself better and have already made some great strides. As miserable as I have been the last month, lately because of changes in how I address my emotions I have found myself to be happier than I have in a long time, if only for brief periods of time. I have been using the 180 technique with my emotions (not towards W but just in everyday life). If there is a situation that I am uncomfortable in, I am doing the exact opposite of what I normally would have done. I am taking it on! And so far it feels great!
I use to take my feelings of resentment out on my kids, too. So, I understand.
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How do I change the relationship dynamics at this point in time or is that a long term thing.
We don't have a lot of information, but I am going to tell you as though she is a WW. First of all, your time frame and her time frame are not together. She is done, and you've just woke up.....so she is not going to want what you want. She is not going to want to work on the MR. (Some H's seem to not get it). Catering and accommodating your W, in order to get her approval does not work with a WW. As I said previously, start living your life centered on you and the kids, and what works for you, and don't wait for her to say what's what. Don't wait around to see what she does. Know what I mean?
Don't leave small decisions up to her. Take charge on the home front, and of yourself. Show decisiveness and leadership ability.
Don't compromise your integrity to win a wayward wife. She disrespects you and she is rebellious, so bear that in mind when interacting with her.
As much as you will desire to cater to her and show her how much you are improving...and want to persuade her to give the MR another chance, it won't work with a WW. She wants and needs a man she can't manipulate and show disrespect. She wants and needs a man who won't take her b.s.
Don't tell her the books you are reading, or that you are attending some meeting to improve yourself. B/c it kind of comes across as you trying to be good enough for her to keep.
Do not accept all the blame of the breakdown in your MR. I will take a stab and say she's probably had her way in the decisions that were made. On the other hand, you have had to build your plans/life around whatever she decided. Am I right or wrong?
Don't let her moods dictate your behavior. If the H walks on eggshells to keep his W from being in a bad mood, or getting angry/upset at him......then he needs to start taking charge of his life, instead of her moods in charge. Don't be afraid of upsetting her! I am not suggesting you see how big of a jerk you can be to her, but I am telling you that she takes for granted, and expects, you to do whatever SHE wants.
Don't cow down. Be the man who is not afraid to stand up for what's right, and for yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am still around. Things have progressed quite a bit since my last post. We are now separated switching out home and apartment between the two of us so kids can stay at main home. we had been talking about this for weeks and finally she acted on it. Within a conversation she told me she was to far gone and them followed it up with but I don't want a divorce. She said she wanted some time so that she figure out if she was doing the right thing..so here we are. This started yesterday..When she told the kids she said we were separating to work on ourselves. Not sure how to take that but I know she needs to work on herself before she can even begin to think about our marriage. Thoughts on all this? I have pretty much just let her go at this point as I truly believe the only way I fix my marriage right now is to do nothing...How to proceed??
