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Sandi. I am just trying to understand what he means when he says time may be running out

I do not want to stop working in things working on me bettering myself working to be a better person I just feel that after one year I am not sure if any progress has been made with me or how things are

Am I really so blind that I am missing what is being said to me

Ok I want to stop and ponder in SH post for a while

Ok SH you have nailed many things on the head when you say I will bold what stands out to me from your post

G, c'mon now. Things are not surprisingly good all of a sudden and you know this. Just 4 days ago you write how it is all over and the only way out is to move.

I am not trying to be harsh, but you need to see the harsh reality of things if you are ever going to get moving forward.

You know the rule that is shared here for all the LBS about believing nothing that the WAS/WS says and only half of what they do?

Do you know that the same rule applies for the WAW/WW as it relates to what the LBS says and does?

They do not believe anything you say and only half of what you do.
Ghost, you are not doing anything to change, and all of your talking is simply that. It is just empty talk.

I will work on my weight
I will give my W more space to live the life that she wants to live
I will be the best dad possible

I need to accept that my W may choose to meet other guys and that this is a choice
I want to show my W a new ghost and I will do this

Do you know how many times you have posted this in the past year?
What have you actually done to follow through on any of these commitments and actually show your W that you will change.

My friend, I don't want to become a WAF someday for you(Walk away friend), but I can honestly see what the challenge and stress is for your W.
I am guessing that she has tried to express this to you in a number of ways, but you are not understanding what you need to do.

Desperate measure for desperate times.
She is still living with you.
Go do something to help your cause and do it now.

Go see a professional that can help you with your circling thoughts. your inability to commit and any other mental and emotional challenges that you require professional help for.

Ghost.

I fear time is running short for you as you have had years of knowing that things were going down the wrong road.
You need guidance and you need to understand all that is DB and DR, but you must change first.

MWD speaks to to WAW and tells them to give the LBH a chance once they have that come to Jesus moment at the BD.
She says this because she says that people can change and in her experience she has seen some wonderful changes......

Are you going to put in what it takes to change my dear friend?

I am sorry if this stings, but I desperately want to see you succeed.
You know.
Horse
Water
Drink?
Do what you must do......

Ok so I have read SH post quite a few times and the nail has been hit a few times I know from previous conversations with my W that
1) she felt taken for granted
2) she felt a huge lack of equality I did not do my share with the kids and arround the house
3) she felt that I did not and I do not think enough for myself
A good example is making meals she has told me that I do not do my share of cooking and even when I do I often ask her to decide what we have she feels that she has to make all the decisions

I talk a lot about how I can change and how I want to to change yet I am still not doing enough with my weight

So SH you make some very accurate statements and I still am missing what I should be doing

So she wants to be in separate houses ...believing nothing of what she says ....then this is not really true she wants me to pull my finger out and be the man she first fell in love with do my share and step up. Should I start with this ? Should I treat her like my W still ? Or do I re read sandies rules and start again at the beginning

Thank you

Ghost

Ghost, out of all SH said, you zoomed in on one sentence and missed the over-all message in his post. I don't mean to be answering for SH, just myself and the message I saw in his post.

I have not seen SH tell you to leave your family and home. I don't think I have seen him tell you to leave your M/W. Are we in agreement with this?

Like so many of us, SH is telling you to move "forward". You told us you did not know what it would take to make you move your a$$. SH is trying to tell you how to get moving (not leaving) yourself to a healthier state of mind. You have to save Ghost before you can focus on saving your MR. Are we still in agreement?

I strongly agree with SH about you getting the correct type of therapy, that is not a relationship counselor. I still believe you talk about your MR in the sessions and the focus is your W, instead of Ghost's problems with cycling thoughts, the cause of his fear, etc. If you tell your doctor you need to talk to an IC b/c you are having M problems, then they will refer you to someone who is not qualified to help YOU pyschologically. I think that is why you are not getting the right type of therapy for your emotional issues.

We are trying to help you get into action for Ghost. For now, don't make goals about your W. Except for your weight and being a good dad, you are setting goals about accommodating her.

When we reach a goal, then we just maintain, but we don't have to continue making it a "goal". For example, you have talked as if you are a good father and the relationship with your kids is healthy. Okay, so you just maintain having a great relationship with them. Instead of adding "being a good dad" on the list of goals, how about a new goal? Accomplishing one goal, does not mean we let it go. In order to grow in our life, we reach for new goals. See what I mean?

You have a plan to work on your weight loss by exercising. Do you have a diet program? Do you have a plan to help you on a daily bases to keep you on task? You need to find a source of daily motivation. The hard part is actually doing what you've written down.

Tennis is great! Do you have a partner, in a club, or something? Have you penciled in on your calendar the times you will play?

Meeting new friends. Where will you go to meet the type of people you want for friends? Do not go to a bar and experience something similar to last time. Go somewhere you will be with other males........and where drunk women aren't trying to seduce you.

I am saying that you have to put legs on your goals. Otherwise, your goals are nothing but a list on a piece of paper.

In addition to everything Sandi recommends, have you considered working on your inability to make decisions? That seems huge, and you've already mentioned a great place to develop this skill.

Why not commit to cooking 3 meals a week without asking your wife for help? Menu planning, shopping, cooking --all you.

The believe nothing is not so black and white. But basically even if WASbelieves/thinks a certain thing NOW, that does not make it true forever. You have to respect that is how she feels now. So NO No No you don't treat her like your W. You treat her with respect and even love but not as a H.

She is not playing a game for you to become who she wants you to be. She does not want you NOW. But improve yourself and maybe just maybe she will become attracted to the improved you. But those changes have to be true and to do that they need to be for YOU.

I understand how lost you feel, how unsure you are about your way forward. I have felt this way. But knowing it is NEVER going to be attractive to W and NEVER going to help you, your only choice is to make baby steps towards changing this.

Best wishes

Thank you this is actually making more sence

I cannot post now have to clean a car but I will post a little later

Thank you all

Ghost

I apologize for my delay in getting back to you.
Got a rough head cold going on and the cold meds are gumming up the works in the thought processes.....

So....where to begin.....
I take accountability for being so wordy with my thoughts.
It can make a challenge for getting my point......
That being said, my dear friend Ghost.
Sandi2 got it.
vise got it
Rose got it
roist got it.
So please pay attention to their thoughts as well.

I find it interesting that when you shared what you pondered my friend,
you skipped the entire first part of my thoughts....




This is your trend for as far back as I can remember in your story anytime someone brings up the suggestion that you seek professional assistance from a trained, professional psychiatrist or therapist.
I ask as I have asked your previously.

Why do you disregard this?

Ghost....ATPeace my dear friend. You need to work on you. Your MR will not have much chance if you do not do this.

Let me preface what I am about to point out with I am not a licensed professional, nor can I diagnose emotional or mental challenges.

That being said, I see that many here have tried gently to steer you in a direction to get confirmation or assistance in the case that you need more for your emotional and mental well being than an online forum or some books about what you need to do in your sitch.
So here is what I see when I read your story and have been conversing with you.

Signs of,
Codependent behaviors
Low self esteem
Obsessive thoughts about your W and MR
Inability to make and commit to decisions that would benefit you.
Unhealthy behaviors in relationships.
Social anxiety behaviors.
Possible bipolar tendencies (things are great...things are not great...)
Mr. Nice Guy traits
Anxiety
mood swings
Possible eating issues

G, these are things that you have shared in your story for over a year, and today, you are not sounding to have moved at all on any of the things you share with us and seek advice.

Now tell us what you would have to lose by seeing someone and talking about all of your struggles without mentioning your W.
Print your story from here if you need to have someone read it and ensure you are open and honest when you speak with them.
There is no shame in seeking assistance for yourself. I know that it can be a bit taboo to seek assistance, heck my WAW's family frowns on this and I am afraid my WAW needs some assistance..but that is a story for another time.

This thread is supposed to be about you as you stated in the beginning.
Lets do what you need to be the man that any woman would be attracted to.
Brace for this 2X4.....
Your wife is not attracted to you right now.
Many of the women in this community would say the same I am sure....
I am not attracted to your thoughts and behaviors as I read your story...
You are not an attractive man in your behaviors and actions.
If you could step back you will know this is truth.
I have had to face the same truth.....it stings....its tough to accept.....but only through acknowledging this and then doing something about it can you save you........and then......only then will you have any chance at saving your MR.

I pray with all my heart that this gets through to you this night.
You can do this.
You must do this.

What say you, my friend.........?

We have lead the horse to the water.............

Will he dip his head in humility and drink.......

So that he can be refreshed from the weary days of despair.....
Recover from the long emotional road travelled.....
Heal from the self inflicted mental and physical wounds....
Become the strong minded, physically strapping, sleek confident Stallion....
that any good person would find attractive??????

You have got through to me I understand I get it

I am smiling as I read this Ghost.
Smiling, because I sense that you are close to being able to break through with the right help.
I know that you can get through this.
You will benefit from the right source.
Lots of work ahead, but you can do this.

I will check in to follow and support you.

You are in my prayers my friend.
You and your family.