Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The begining of the rest of my new life? (3)

Again something weird.
I was going to pick up the kids at STBXW's place when she called me.
She was at this couples' house, a couple that before I used to meet at kids' birthday parties and was very fond of.
Since the separation I stopped having contact with all the parents of my kids' colleagues.
I went there with the intention to bring the kids home.
I put a new overcoat I bought recently as a 180 for my lousy wardrobe (unfortunately in part to impress SBTXW).
I was warmly welcomed by the couple. There was no awkwardness. STBXW was sitting on the sofa. I greeted her with a nod. She stood up and gave me two kisses, one in each cheek, as friends traditionally do.
First time we touch in a very long time.
Then I started making all the arrangements for tomorrow, since this couple's kids have a sleepover at my place. STBXW heard all that I plan to do with my two kids and their two friends.
Then STBXW left. Again, strangely, she kissed me in the cheeks.
I stayed, trying to make my kids leave the Playstation. Time went by and I was still talking to the parents. We talked and talked and talked, mainly about politics and history. They invited me and the kids to stay for dinner. I accepted. The dinner went well, with lots of conversation.
Then we left and came home.
Several things are to be highlighted:
- This pleasant afternoon was completely unexpected;
- I really enjoyed being with other parents, since I mainly contact with colleagues at work;
- I felt a sadness for seeing how well this couple gets along. I miss being a family; I miss giving my kids the gift of a family.

And again, as I mentioned in my previous post, I have to stop STBXW. I do not wish to be touched by her and do not want to receive kisses in the cheeks. That's for friends and acquaintances. I am neither.

My house is being destroyed by four hurricanes. The noise and the shouting is unbelievable.
But I am loving it.

Those of you who are separated, how do you greet your spouse when you meet?
Usually I just nod, say hello and briefly look STBXW in the eyes.
I try to avoid physical contact as much as possible and also try to be brief in the interactions.
Yesterday STBXW greeted me and said goodbye with a kiss in each cheek, our traditional way of salutation.
I could not avoid it since I was caught by surprise and was at a friend's house.
But I did not like at all such free and loose behaviour.

Yesterday night I went to STBXW's house.
I went there to tell her I will not divorce her for the time we are living in this foreign country. I also told her I was doing this for my own protection. As long as we are married she is fully insured. Since she is not working, if something would happen to her after the divorce and she would be disabled I would have to sustain her for life, according to our law.
STBXW accepted this well.
We treated each other respectfully.
Nevertheless, I did not see any crack in her armour, crack that I was expecting to find since I detected a change in her behaviour that I reported before.
I keep forgetting not to have any expectations.
And since reading about Fogg's tough times I wonder If I am not living the same illusion PigPen points out : am I being a man happily separated and well adjusted, but a man still living in the fantasy that my W is going to come back?

So, In which stage of LBS am I?
This question was triggered by an emotion I found inside me the last few days.
I am refering to the thread about the stages of the LBS:
I think am cycling between Resentment, Acceptance and, I hope, Self-growth.
I have definitely accepted that my marriage is over and there is no way back to it.
Sometimes I even strongly feel that I will be OK without STBXW.
However, I still have some resentment towards STBXW for what she did to our family, for the separation, for the way she mentions the kids will be all right.
But in the last few days I have been feeling something different.
I am angry, but a different kind of anger, an anger directed toward me, not STBXW.
It is an anger that drinks from my poor judgment: how could I have chosen such a weak creature?
Of course she always carried inside herself the seeds of her weakness, of her loose commitment to the marriage vows, even when, smiling in her white dress, she pronounced them at the church. It was just a matter of time for the tempest to come and for STBXW to consider that this shelter was not good enough.
What a waste of time. I could now be with someone who would really want to work on the marriage.
Nevertheless, one might say: but you, Ripe, were flawed. Your flaws where the ones which caused the marital crisis. No woman would be willing to stay with such a poor, weak, incomplete, introverted, piece of a man. Without this crisis you would still be the old you. Therefore, this crisis and separation had to happen in order for you to be willing to improve yourself. So thank your STBXW instead.
Yes, I want to reply, yes, now I am new but soon to be divorced.

I know how you feel Ripe. I do the same things, and desperately want to know where I am in the process. Maybe things will be more clear after official / legal divorce? I am hoping for that, but mine is several months away as far as I can tell.

Since two posts ago, the question I asked there has been dancing around my mind: “Am I being a man happily separated and well adjusted, but a man still living in the fantasy that my W is going to come back?”
Am I living an illusion that I can have my M back when that is not going to happen? Have I been deceiving myself?
Am I even still practicing DB’ing?
Let’s see.
I enjoy certain aspects of the separation.
I have time for myself and I look forward for the weekends I don’t have the kids. But I also feel guilty about it.
I can take care of myself without anyone’s help: I cook, wash I the dishes and do the laundry. I found that I like to iron: I listen to music in the meantime and enjoy the final result of that pile of clothes in proper order.
I have time for my MOOC.
I meditate. I read.
So, what have I accomplished so far?
- I shave every day and put cologne for the first time in my life;
- I buy my own clothes for the first time and I am trying to dress smart. I have gone to a tailor;
- I started playing classical guitar after a 20 years’ stop;
- I keep going to therapy with an IC. It has been a wonderful experience of self-discovery.
- I meditate regularly, although not daily, after having taken part on an online course.
- I take my kids on long trips abroad without feeling guilt or empty because W is not coming.
- I am enrolled on my third mooc.
- I am enrolled on a year-long online program of self-development;
- I exercise regularly at home, since I don´t have time to go to a gym. My six pack starts to show.
- I read self-help books;
- I read almost daily DB Forum, which is my main source of inspiration.
- I have invited a lady for lunch twice.

How much of this is actually DB’ing?
I don’t know. I don’t see any improvements in my relationship with STBXW.
In the end, is DB’ing just a self-improvement program?

Today STBXW and I took S9 to the doctor.
Three months have passed since he had his first epileptic seizure and started taking the medication.
So, once again, he had to perform an exam while being asleep. And for that to happen he had to spend the previous night awake.
STBXW and I, like for the last time, split the night in half, each one of us spending half of it with S9 and the other sleeping.
We spent the night at my place.
And this time I decided to do something different from what I have been doing since the separation.
I decided to act in a more pleasant and not so distant way.
I decided to talk back and just not reply with monosyllables.
I decided so smile a bit.
I decided to look at her for longer periods of time.
I decided to even start some topics and share some feelings and thoughts.
What can I say, it went very well.
STBXW smiled a lot at me, looked at me with intensity and talked a lot. She touched me intentionally once or twice.
If I would be taking notes and setting short-term goals I would have a lot of improvements to report.
It was a bit like old times. It was a bit like being married to that woman again.
But it was also like being her gay boyfriend.
And this time I was aware of the situation and of my emotions.
It didn't hurt, much.
I know we could be happy and get along together. However, STBXW decided otherwise.
And long ago I decided I will not be friend with this person after the divorce. And since our brief reconciliation and separation I have been acting as if we are already divorced.
But it was a very pleasant day, I have to say.
At least until I took S9 to his mother's house, a house where I have never lived and where my kids live without their father.
That's why STBXW will not have in me a friend.

Just had an amazing weekend.
On Thursday went with the kids and some friends to a ski resort.
I don't ski and neither do the kids, but we played with our sledges.
It feels so good to behave like a 9 years old kid!
And on Sunday I sat the kids in front of me and told them how much I love them and how important they are to me. In the end I asked them if they wanted to be my Valentines, with some tears already running down my face.
It's interesting that now I am not afraid of showing my emotions to the kids, of showing them some vulnerability.
I hope this is progress.

Yesterday, after arriving, STBXW called and said she needed to talk to me. I told her we could talk today.
So today we talked over the phone. She immediately asked me how was the weekend.
This is clearly related to my defrosting towards her, a change in behavior that I consciously decided to make.
So I replied, sharing some details and comments on the kids' behavior during the weekend instead of just answering with monosyllables.
And then my new behavior just backfired.
STBXW told me she was starting a new project with her best girlfriend, a project related to portraits.
Aparently both have been taking some photos of each other with the girlfriend's mobile and they are not pleased with the results.
So, STBXW decided to ask me for my camera.
(I love photography and have a good camera. On our trips I would let STBXW take some pictures with it. I had decided at some point to buy her a camera, but then the bomb was dropped.)
She also said that the alternative was her buying her own camera. Of course, with my money because she is not working. It sounded a bit like blackmailing, frankly.
In the old times surely she would have the camera, but in the old times we were not separated. And some days before she would not have asked for such a thing because I simply was not giving her the space for that.
I replied that I would think about it.
And now that I have thought about it I will tell her:
- No, she cannot have my camera.
- I disapprove her buying a camera. She should make such investments after we are divorced.
- She should find another solution for the problem.
This will be a big event, because for sure it will have instant repercussions in our present mild relationship.
But I think it is time for me to clarify that we will not be friends outside of the marital context.
Also, I learned that I should not have behaved as a gay boyfriend without her showing any signs of second thoughts about her decision to separate.