Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Cherry. H is filing and leaving. Working on me

Things got rather heated today, in the sense that wh told me even just seeing my legs in a dress I was wearing turned him on so much. He says he can't see me half dressed for these overwhelming feelings. I admit it very nearly led to sex, we both got kinda heated. But it's only when he said that doors are closing on us and it wouldn't be right or change his thoughts that I agreed with him and left. I don't know if he's temp checking. It certainly doesn't sound like if you have those kind of desires for a woman that you should be divorcing her. I don't want this to set my efforts back. I can't take those crumbs, it took a lot to walk at that point but I did.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Yes. Ignore him. He's acting like a t!t.

Surfer.

Let him stew.

You will get your opportunity to piece how you want to then. You dictate that. Told you that you want you H back but on your terms. This is the WH looking for something, a way out (oh we made up - so it's all fine now) or he is just temp checking. You have sex and then he thinks - still got her where I want her.

No. No. No. He does not have you where he wants you. You have him where you want him. Let him work through it and start really, really realising - this is not a situation that resolves with sex or lame apology. He needs to get to understand his shortfalls, what the consequences of them are viz a viz your feelings. Impacts on your children, his children etc. You need to get that he understands and that he knows that there is a "one strike and you are out policy" going forward if he messes up again. He needs to rebuild your trust and that of your S and his M.

Don't go throwing all that hard work away over a teenage fumble. Forget that. You keep in line with your goals. Don't go flakey. He will have see that this got to you. Avoid it next time. Or let him say whatever and don't get sucked in.

Surfer.

Well stated Surfer.

CHERRY!

I just read a few of these posts and I want to scream at my computer! 2*4 (with rusty nails) coming at you right now and it's not going to be soft! 1. I don't have time to word this eloquently, 2. I am going to say the SAME thing I have been telling you since I posted to you!

You want to save your M right? You want your H to come back, no? You want him to end all contact with OW? You want him to realize that he is making a terrible mistake, do a 180, become accountable and remorseful, and then come back to you and do whatever it takes to enter the difficult stage piecing???

So here is what you do starting NOW. Drop the rope! LET GO! MOVE ON WITHOUT HIM! Kick him to the curb, hold your head up, and you show him you are one strong hot mama!!! No more cake eating for him! No more nice talks, temp checking, him coming to your room (what is that?), friendly meals, nice little chats, things getting "heated" (whatever that means I don't like it at all), and he needs to start thinking and knowing that Cherry is NOT sitting around waiting for him! He has you as plan B and he knows it!!! He will NOT COME BACK as long as he knows he can! You are treating him like a walkaway and hes not. HE IS DEEP IN AN AFFAIR!!! Until he goes out into the world, loses you/family/home, and gets a taste of reality, he WILL NOT LEARN! He has to go into reality with OW and see what a mistake he is making and then actually FEEL the loss of you!!!

Stop being friendly, stop chatting, stop telling him what you are doing and where you are going, nothing should be getting "heated" and what the he$$ does that even mean!?! You actaully let this dirtbag flirt, kiss, come on to you? He is running out every night and sleeping with that SKANK! Come on and open your eyes! He is a mess and he does NOT deserve anything from you! Right now he knows you are vulnerable, you are desperate, you are waiting for him, and he can come back whenever he pleases.

Why does he get that?!? He has treated you and your children like garbage, been completely selfish, and he gets to know he can come back whenever he wants??? No, sister, this is not how it works! Right now he does not respect you and he knows you do not respect yourself.

I am not suggesting you treat him bad and play games. I am suggesting that you hold your head up high, find your worth and strength, and let him know you are moving on in life without him. He needs to get out of the house as long as he is with OW and disrespecting you. I would have kicked his arse to the curb the minute I knew he was with OW.

As long as he knows you are sitting there waiting and you are plan B, he WILL NOT come back. He needs to get out. He needs to see that things with OW are not what he things they will be. And he needs to miss you, the family, and the home life. SO STOP GIVING THAT TO HIM!!!

-Blu

Even better stated Blu.

It is hard to imagine a man less deserving of sex. Stay strong. You are worth much more.

"He does sound like he is in a bit of conflict about his decision which is good. But try not to focus too much on that and build expectations, and don't allow him to cake eat. It's not fair on you for him to say he wants a d but then carry on being affectionate with you."

Cherry this is your direct quote to Csabo on her thread. Always easier to give good advice to others than to take it yourself! We are all guilty of this. However your Hs actions are some of the worst on these boards, yet we give him (and all that he does, says, is) more attention than any other wayward here.

Another thing I wanted to add is that while your spa days, manis/pedis, and expensive shoes are nice, I do not see that they are bringing you confidence. That is all short lived and only feels good for a moment. Then you continue to focus on every move WH makes. How can we help you find genuine confidence and strength so you can realize how much more you and your children deserve?

What I would like to see the most from you in your sitch, is how are you planning to move forward without WH? What does that look like? How can we X him out of the equation? He doesn't deserve all this attention we are giving him. He needs to get out now and be on his own.

-Blu

Thank you all for the advise, and thank you blu for the 2*4 with rusty nails!! I know what you say is right. I do, and I am getting there with this, my mentality is somewhat better from a week or two ago and certainly from a month or two ago!

He is going, in the next few weeks. Today when he was looking at places and asked my opinion, I would not engage with that- as its his decision to break the family, I'm not going to support it.

I guess I could have shut him down straight away, this is where I am still learning. But the fact I walked away let him know that he couldn't come running to me to fulfil that side when he has fired me as his wife. When he moves out I feel he will start to feel the full effect, his m refuses to speak to him, and s is even getting reluctant to go to him.

Wrt to the ow, I still don't know for sure if this is a pa. he says it's nothing but I don't believe that, and I know I can't take his word for sh!t.

I agree it's definitely more easy to give advise than to take our own.

I feel like they do give me some more lasting confidence, it helps me to feel better about myself. In honesty, I don't know what will bring me more confidence, this has been a life long issue.

I am trying to get myself out there a bit more, more things at work which mean more presentations (I hate public speaking or drawing attention to myself). And I'm trying to be a bit more social, but being pregnant and having a toddler there is some limitations.

I have a full plan to move forward without him. I know that this is my reality, I've accepted that. I have everything financial in place, and lots of supportive friends and family to help with the children.