Six months ago my husband told me he loved me but that there was some part of him he didn't want to share with me anymore. I took it as my bomb drop. I am literally devastated. I did what I read I shouldn't do but it just felt right at the moment. I cried and begged. He is at home and we are fairly having a normal life. He just doesn't return my loving gestures. We have sex when I initiate it. He has sort of recoiled into himself. The house needs some repairs but he's not paying attention to it. Since he meant to leave some months ago, I feel he may leave any time. He keeps telling me about everything that happens at work with him and consulting other things but , on the other side, he's almost on the edge of the bed, pulling away from me. I keep on telling him how great he looks and trying to reassure him in everything but does this help? Should I keep on having intercourse when I always have to initiate it ? Is the fact that he hasn't left a good sign or he may leave any time? What would be good signs of him coming back to his senses?
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet wonderful posters who will come along and post advice, pearls of wisdom, etc. It will be up to you to read the postings and determine what is good for you and ignore the rest.
Can you give us more info about you and your h? Did something happen in the last 18-24 months that may have triggered the changes in him?
Oh, he's one of those...edge of bed huggers. Some of them do this because they don't want to be close to us, nor have us touch them. They feel guilt and shame for what they are thinking and possibly doing. We tend to call these kind of actions "we've got the cooties" because of the way they flinch or avoid all contact w/us.
As far as intercourse is concerned...that's up to you. However, you may want to think about getting a STD test done at some point. Not, saying he's been out there doing the naughty, but you never know.
As for leaving any time...no knows if he'll do it, but he's thinking about it. Sometimes they say these things to get us off their backs.
As for being interested in doing repairs around the home...that interest is gone. When MLC hits, the depression takes over and their interests in everything pre-crisis tends to go out the window until much later in time.
Marye, I don't like being the one to say this...but if this is MLC, he's got a long road ahead of him. It could takes many years for him to come back to his senses and some stay stuck.
You can be there to listen, affirm and validate, but do not pretzel yourself to please him. Why? Because no matter what you try to do to please him, he will always find something else to complain about.
For now, keep the focus on you. Try to find things to help you stay busy. I know this is worrying you...but you need to find a way to protect yourself financially. If you have a joint account, move some money over into a new account in only your name. Get your name off the joint account at some point, as well as any and all joint charge cards will need to be watched closely. Why? Because, if he follows the MLC train, he'll be spending a whole lot of money on himself. He has aleady begun to sing the "me, me, me" song.
Keep posting and definitely continue to ask questions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Cadet usually posts a "welcome" posting. I don't think he's around just at the moment, so I've copied his "welcome" posting with all of the links to some good homework assignments.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome Job is right…MLC takes a while It is a good thing to protect the bank accounts and credit cards,
If you notice he is spending or charging..you may want to get accounts separated The MLCer becomes someone else,,
The once responsible H spends everything..some will create debt I know it is a very difficult time at the start of it because it is a sudden change in the H we once knew so well
they spend..some cheat, they go out and party, gamble some dress funny or dye their hair..get new cars or motorcycles tattoos …
they seem to revert to a younger age..may start to criticize the spouse and blame us for everything..But it is not our fault it is a midlife crises,,their crises … some say the MLC comes from unresolved childhood issues and I believe that
The best thing you can do is begin therapy for yourself get support from other women sleep, exercise, rest, pray if you have a relationship with God try to eat and take good care of yourself I promise you…it gets easier no matter what they decide to do some stay in the home some leave it is probably harder to live with the MLCer then living alone keep posting we have all been there-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
my husband told me he loved me but that there was some part of him he didn't want to share with me anymore
I'm just going to say, this is unusual wording. How long have you been married? Has he had any affairs before? Does he have a history of depression?
I'm just asking because, well, the way he worded it is not the typical. The typical wording is "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". THAT wording usually means "I've met someone else that you don't know about and I'm getting my chuckles with her"
Now, it's possible that your H's wording means the same thing. Or that he's not cheating but just so depressed that he's drawing into himself. (Any triggers, like job loss or a death in the family?) But something about his wording also makes me wonder if he could be hiding something different. Could he be gay, or trans, or have run up a tremendous credit card debt that he doesn't want to admit to? Could he have an addiction?
I don't know why his wording makes me think of these alternate possibilities - certainly an affair is the most common situation. But something about the way he said it just makes me wonder.
marye - Welcome to the forum. I don't have anything personally to offer right now other than the comfort you may find in knowing you're not alone.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Please don't be afraid to post. We are all in different areas of the path, but we all are here to support one another. We can't help you if you don't return to post a bit.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
