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I know your parents have been a great support to you through this.

However, they don't have a crystal ball to be able to tell the future anymore than I do. Although I wish I did.

This kind of projection will just make your situation harder.

Focus on today and don't worry about tomorrow. Or next month or next year. That is how you get through this.

A question...you keep going on about the housekeeping stuff and I believe you said it was something that you developed resentment about.

Resentment erodes our feelings over time, like the waves erode the beaches. If you don't do anything to change it, eventually you are left with a little pile of sand instead of the beautiful beach you once had.

While at this point you don't forsee her coming back, you never know what the future holds. I would suggest that for whatever relationship you have in the future, you learn how to let go of resentments, how to reverse the process as it's happening, and how to communicate and work cooperatively...

How did you communicate with her about your expectations/desires about housework?

I agree and I told them last night that I have to let go and move on. If I sit and stew with anger it will make everything worse and drive me nuts and definitely leak out on the kids.





You know, at first I was passive aggressive. Then I became more naggy. After a while, I let a HELL of a lot of things go and got to the point where I was just begging for her to put my stuff back if she used it and try to maintain some sort of order in the kitchen and living room. I didn't complain about our bedroom, bathroom, kids room, playroom, dining room, or even the front and back yards that got littered with toys and snack wrappers, etc.

I tried many approaches, including silently modeling for her, saying nothing and just cleaning constantly. Sometimes she would just watch me walk around and pick up her stuff and the clutter while she sat on the couch watching her iPad. Any time I have said anything in the past 3 months she has told me I'm controlling and a nitpicker. Yes, perhaps in the past I nitpicked about stupid stuff because I was used to living alone and having things a certain way. I got over that and learned to handle things being out of my preferred organization style. I am NOT a neat freak. I know I'm not. I leave crap all over the place on some days. But not in common areas where most of the time of the family is spent (living room, kitchen). As I said earlier in my thread, she brought baggage into the relationship. Her mother would force her to clean the house and when it wasn't done to standard, she would beat the crap out of her. I feel like I became an enemy, like her mother, that she needed to rebel against.

So YES, I have built up resentment. I have found this behavior to be disrespectful and inconsiderate. It got progressively worse over the last 2 years since the kids came around.

I know I have a lot to work on. While I am not malicious or purposely manipulative, I think sometimes what I say or do comes across that way. I never mean for it to - just seems like that is the way she has always taken it (probably due to being with so many people like that in the past, as well as her mother).


I can only hope that she does her inner soul searching during this time and at least realizes the importance of her children. This really is what her father would do...I don't think he liked being tied down for very long so he would figure out a reason to bail.... he married 7 times.



I shouldn't be analyzing any of this except for my own personal reflecting, but it is really difficult. I look back at how much of a stable and safe life I gave her and I can't see why anyone who was in their right mind would want to leave just because they didn't feel "listened to".


Again, I am barking up the wrong tree here. Just venting.

GR8TDAD,

Vent away! I still feel like beating the OM's ass just because his useless ass needs to be beaten.

Meh. OM on my end is just some lame dou*chbag trying to get laid. I could care less about him. Now if he gets involved with my children, well that is a different story.

W moves tomorrow. She continues to interact with me with a chip on her shoulder - quick to anger...etc. I am assuming that is going to dissipate once she is gone for a while and has time to cool off. I think she is still just using anger towards me to justify what she is doing. I certainly hope her serotonin levels out after a while and she starts thinking more clearly.


Now I have a question for you guys - my brother in law would really like me to help him move her stuff. I offered to help her a couple weeks ago, but she said she didn't want my help. I am not too keen on helping but I am wondering if it would have any benefit in regards to the LRT I am using right now.

Well last night was her last night here and she just left to take a load of stuff over to her new place and then go to work. She is incredibly unpleasant with me even though I am completely neutral and completely Pleasant with her nobody that is currently stable in their mind could possibly think that I am being unpleasant. She needs a lot of help. And while I work on myself she just really has a lot to work on herself too

I remember the day my W moved out. She was very irriatable and the mood swings were unreal. From angry to a mess of tears in seconds back to angry.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through saying goodbye to the woman I love. And i imagine it isn't easy for you either.

Everyone here preaches time. Give it time, you need time, she needs time. And I am just going to agree with them. Time is needed, the crappy part is no knows how much time and that's what sticks in your head. How long. It's different for everyone.

Our W like most of our S here need some kind of help however it's not our place to tell them. This is their journey and at some point they will see and hopefully seek the help they need.

Sometimes it may seem like she is handling this so well and it is easy, my advice is be yourself and wait. There may come a time where you get a glimpse of where they really are at in their head and it will surprise you. When that time comes you have to continue to be yourself,

You sound like you are handling today well so far and I know it isn't a easy day to handle. I was a mess no matter how hard I tried to keep composed.

Keep on keepin on friend

Thank you! The encouragement is appreciated. I got pretty drunk last night not really on purpose I just kept drinking my IPAs and it caught up with me quicker than I was expecting so I think I was slightly hungover this morning and since alcohol is a depressant and kind of messed me up but after it wore off actually I was feeling pretty good and some relief. Spent the evening cleaning the kitchen up really nicely and fixing up the dining room where she's been packing all her boxes. I'm looking forward to having a cleaner house. I also spoke with a good buddy of mine and he is telling me that is a very bad idea to ever take her back because this pattern of behavior has been evident for many years with her and if she hasn't figured it out by this age she's probably not going to change anytime soon

Wow I am honest to god feeling really good now that she is gone. I could have sworn I was in love with her...

Why am I feeling so much relief and contentment?!

Well, I got some goats. They are boys - just for eating weeds. Of course they got out yesterday evening and decided to go for a leisurely stroll. Luckily they ended up back at my house (I didn't even know they had left) and I was able to contain them again.

W went to Battle Mountain, NV to teach her first class for the independent artistic color educator thing. She will be back in town later this evening.

She calls and wants to talk to the kids but they basically just say Hi and go back to what they are doing...they don't seem particularly excited to talk to her. They don't ask about her much either. But when she does call, they seem to start acting out shortly after the call and then return to happy selves again.

I am still enjoying not having to run around cleaning up after W. I am enjoying the peace and even the kids are much better behaved when she is not around. I am noticing how much I compromised my comfort in terms of cleanliness and organization just so she wouldn't be so angry when I requested things here and there. I really do need a somewhat organized environment to keep my ADD brain from exploding. Perhaps that is why I was so irritable so much of the time? Also not being able to express those feelings for fear of a fight caused me to build up resentment.

I am doing really well on eating healthy. Even to the point where I ate some pizza the other night and instantly regretted it. I felt bloated and lethargic for the rest of the evening. I am mostly focusing on eating veggies, whole grains like quinoa, beans, lots of eggs (since I have chickens), and cheese (can't give up cheese, NOOOO WAY!). I haven't indulged in adult beverages since Friday night - just not feeling like I want to drink much over the weekend.

I am continuing to look back in the relationship and see that she was right about one thing - it was unhealthy, the way we interacted. And again, while I have played my part in all of this - I really can see that she was angry this whole time and projected it onto me and our relationship, which of course caused me to fight back and/or defend myself. I mean, what considerate and respectful person tells their spouse that they are a control freak and nitpicking when they ask for a little more help around the house?

I am continuing to work towards detaching, but I feel like I have done a pretty damn good job of it already. The fact that I am not super depressed, feeling needy like I need to text or call is something I wouldn't have expected this early on. I am even ignoring some of her calls and texts. I just don't want to interact with her at all. I am too focused on the kids and getting my home into a state that I feel is relaxing and safe.


I suppose I do still love her, but I do not love the person she has become. I love the parts that made me want to marry her...but I just don't see those parts anymore. I hope she can work through the issues that create so much of her unhappiness in life because I honestly only wish her the best.