Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Cherry. H is filing and leaving. Working on me

Painter, it is insane. You stand looking at this person just gobsmacked at what they are coming out with.
Coly, he definitely seems to be in a dark place. He's absolutely unhinged.

I didn't sleep good at all last night, it was like I'd received the first bd all over again, and I feel sick to the stomach (unless that's my normal pregnancy sickness) at the thought that he is serious. And this is happening. He has filed the paperwork so now it is just a waiting game to receive the paperwork. This is real and it's happening.

There's also the character that he has become. Last night was a true eye opener as to what a monster he has become, and how selfish. That man that I married is long gone.

I don't even slightly feel like it. But I'm going to get up and out and spend the day with a girlfriend today. I know I need to move forwards.

Had a busy day with my girlfriend had a pamper and a major shopping spree. Made me feel a little better for a while but then I'm surrounded by constant little triggers that stab me in the heart.
I get home say hello, as I pass. He ignored me, didn't look up, then he said hello. I really hate what he stands for right now. The fact he's all happy that he has his ow and all those happy feelings when you get with someone new. Singing away in his room. And all I'm left with my heart broken. I know he's no prize right now. But I just feel that stabbing betrayal. That only two months ago he is making me all these promises, telling me he loves me and I'm having his baby. Then days later it unraveled to chaos. And it's getting worse and worse. It's selfish, and it's childish- but I want them to hurt the way I am. I hate him right now. And I hate her.

Cherry, I post this about every 3-6 months so maybe you've seen it, but I wanted to share with you and anyone else that hasn't see it before. It was in response to a poster named pyrite talking about his WAW's behavior. This has helped me find compassion and understanding for some of the horrible behavior from WAS's, as well as giving me clear goals in finding my own happiness, and controlling my behavior to break the cycles and own my half. There is more to say about how it could apply to your sitch, but this is already a long post so I'll shut up for now and just copy/paste the rest...

This is the card game I put together for my old buddy Pyrite:

Quote:
I read your post this morning but had to work all day and then had kid time tonight, this was my first chance to get back to you. I really want to share a model that I think will help you out.

There were two people, you and your W. Let's pretend there's a game being played. You have 10 cards you can choose from, A low, 10 high. Each time either of you interact with each other you have to decide to play a card symbolizing how you treat each other. A 10 means you choose to be extremely loving, selfless, generous, noble, and operate from your highest spiritual self. A 5 means you're having an average day, you're on auto pilot, you may do some things for your mate but aren't really engaged. A 3 is negative, critical, impatient. Below that is the red zone where it becomes destructive, controlling, and potentially abusive.

In the beginning each of you plays a 10 card. You both feel good about the love you're feeling, and feel good about the love you're getting. Somehow that's hard to maintain with life getting in the way. Eventually you notice the cards she's playing are 5s and 6s. This is frustrating. You came to really like 10s. In fact, when she was playing 10 cards you felt really good. When she plays 5s and 6s you feel dissatisfied. You get frustrated that she won't play the 10s like she used to.

Disappointment leads to frustration. Frustration leads to hurt. Hurt leads to anger. Anger that isn't addressed builds into resentment. Next thing you know, you don't feel loving. You don't feel like playing 10s much either. In fact, you start to resent even having to play 5s and 6s yourself. It's not fair! Why should she get everything she wants and needs and for her to neglect you with a series of 5s? You can't be happy with 5s, and you would be with 10s, so really it's her failure to do her job that is the cause for your unhappiness. You start to play lower and lower cards. Partly because you are so resentful you can't stand the thought of giving her what she wants while you're not getting what you want. Partly to try to "get her attention", or show her that something is wrong. And partly because you just don't have the loving feelings that generate bigger loving numbers.

You NEED big numbers to be happy. She's failing. You must force her to play bigger numbers. There's only one strategy left. Time to play some 2s and A's. Put the hammer down. Make it clear this is unacceptable. Either you give me what I want and deserve or I will make things absolutely unbearable. Verbal abuse. Withholding affection. Critical comments. Bullying. Whatever.

***OK, STOP THE GAME A MINUTE***

I described how it felt to play this game. If someone asked "what type of guy are you, are you the kind of guy that plays A's or 10's or what?", you'd respond "I'm a GREAT guy, I'll play 10s or at least pretty big cards most of the time". If someone asked "why did you play so many A's and 2's the last couple of years? That looked borderline abusive", you'd reply "WHOA! That's NOT ME. That's not who I am! I only played those cards because SHE left me no choice! She was playing 3's and 4's and not loving me the way I need to be loved! If she had done HER JOB right I would've been HAPPY to respond with 7s, 9s, and a 10 now and then!"

So the whole issue in your mind was the way she treated you, and how it caused you to respond. You don't identify with you behavior because you see it as a reflection of her failure.

BUT THERE ARE SOME TRUTHS
-YOU ARE THE CARDS YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY. If you play A's and 2's, you are abusive. Doesn't matter why. If you kill someone you're a murderer. If you rob a bank you're a bank robber. And when you choose to treat someone poorly, then you are a BAD H. PERIOD.

-IT'S NOT HER JOB TO PLAY 10S AND MAKE YOU HAPPY. Yes, 10s feel great. It's a nice treat in life to experience. But that's not life. Life isn't a series of sexual adventures, passionate date nights, back rubs, and sharing poetry. Why? I don't know. We build a tolerance to things and quickly expect them and take them for granted. Heck, even if she kept playing 10s they would start to feel like 7s to you quickly as you got used to it. Eventually people get to a level they can maintain (such as 5s through 8s with an occasional 10) and it starts to feel like a disappointment. AND IF YOU USED THE 10S TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR LIFE YOU WILL SUDDENLY FEEL DISCONTENT AND FEEL YOUR PARTNER IS TO BLAME. SHE'S NOT. You have to be happy on your own, and take what you get as a bonus.

-ONLY YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT CARDS YOU PLAY. It doesn't matter if she plays 10s or 1s. *YOU* decide each day what type of person you are, how you want to respond. It's YOUR choice, not hers. She can play a 3 and you can STILL CHOOSE to respond with a 10.

CONCLUSION-

So, the funny part about all of this is that SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY. She thinks you didn't play the cards she needed to feel happy. She excuses all of her poor behavior as the "natural" reaction to being treated so poorly from you. She thinks what you did is far worse. This extends all the way to the "cheating". In her mind she would've never cheated had you not emotionally abused her for years, and it was only because of your actions that she was forced to take refuge in someone else to preserve herself. Then she remembered what a 10 felt like and decided that you were just an Ahole that played 1s-3s, and she can't have that in her life, and she found someone that plays 10s, so see ya later.

Now you're not playing the game anymore. There's no more interaction. SO YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH THE DIFFICULTY OF BEING DISAPPOINTED OR RESENTFUL. You start to find it easier to act like a fine and upstanding citizen. This further proves to you that it must've been her driving you crazy. WRONG. It's easier to conduct yourself well on your own. You're not better! If you were in a relationship again tomorrow you'd be back on the downward spiral again, and you'd be dropping 2's and A's on people in a controlling way until they left you as well. Why? Because you haven't learned another way yet!

For you to judge her on the cards she was playing and excuse your cards because they were the only possible reaction is not going to get you anywhere.

Step one is acknowledging the truths above, taking ownership for your behavior REGARDLESS of the context, and deciding what type of man you want to be. Step two is forgiving her for the cards she's played because now you see how she's done nothing you haven't also done. Step three is learning how to take responsibility for your own happiness so you don't resent your future partner for not being able to chemically maintain euphoria in your life. And step four is learning coping mechanisms so that you are able to maintain responses between 5-10 even when you feel hurt, threatened, or rejected.

When you reach that point where you can be truly ok without a woman's love to make you feel ok, then you can be free to choose to respond lovingly much more often. Oh, and that cheater that just dumped you? Maybe if you had the strength before to treat her differently she would've responded differently. That's the whole DB/DR idea- control your half of the dance and you'd be surprised at what you see in exchange. Of course, it will never be all 10s, that's why you have to grow a bit first. And if you do, people will take notice and you'll be ready for a truly successful M. Who knows...maybe she'll even notice...maybe she'll learn these things on her own after her fling dies down...you can't control that, but if YOU can't learn it how can you expect her to? I say lead by example and act with the character you wish she was utilizing. Maybe if you become the spiritual leader and walk this path she'll notice, and maybe follow suit. If not, you'll know you did your best to save the M, and more importantly you'll need an M to make you happy LESS, and be prepared to have a happy M MORE.

Wow! Amazing food for thought. Thank you.

Cherry,

Read your sitch update. Also read Zeus Card Game Theory. Impressive and thought provoking. I need to read it again a few times.

I have seen and been involved in similar situations, provoked by WW totally. No need to give you the detail, they are all horrible, yours, mine, anyone's

You started calm it seems. Get out of those situations quickly it will end up in rapid fire and weapons hot. Both sides ultimately. It's a concious or unconscious game. Probably 'Let's you and him have a fight' (remember Eric Berne?). Don't engage, the games are always rigged and at best you walk away with a small bruise. At worst, devastating things can happen. Don't forget a single word can destroy everything you have worked hard at.

Please stay away from any communication and contact for a while. You both need to get space for definite. If your S sees this kind of integration at this age it could harm him. I spent such a long time protecting my children from my WWs spew. It is so, so, so important they don't get expose. It will also damage you.

There is never any victory in wars of this kid.

I don't mean to lecture, sorry if I come across this way, I mean to help - from my experience and from knowing how best to handle this - validate if you can, otherwise, say nothing at all and get out of the way - even if he comes into your room and start flailing away at you. Don't forget his questions are loaded right now. There is no right answer, it's a trap. Don't walk into it, just don't answer.

His resentment is running high. You must be careful.

Surfer.

Zeus I agree, that really gives me something to think about, thank you.

Surfer, I know you aren't lecturing, and know you come from a good place of help. I feel like I didn't walk into his trap, I held my tongue at a lot of things I would have loved to have spewed back myself but I knew better than to take his anger and match him. The only thing I did, which I stand by was tell him that I would not be spoken to in that angry tone. I will not be there for anyone to shout at.


S was still tucked up safe and sound. I'm very careful to protect him too against this kind of interaction. I know he would be scared, no kid needs to see their parents argue.

Tried to avoid him at all costs today. The couple times I have seen him this evening, I wouldn't say I sounded chirpy, but I was civil, I did not ignore him. And I shall try to keep Zeus' card game in mind, that I treat him with the same level of respect I would want myself.

On a happier note, related to nothing. My a gf both got a free desert today in a restaurant for being "their prettiest customers all day". A nice little ego boost

I love the card game. I read it when I first joined the board and I really think that is reflective of my sich. I would love to show it to H, he would reality identify with it. It's not too fluffy!

Im no vet coly, but showing him that might come across as persuing at this point. Maybe if he starts to want to work on the r then show him.

So another day to move forwards. I'm going to try to avoid situations where I would run into wh today. And if I do end up running into him, I shall try my best to be upbeat and friendly. In a way it feels like the last thing I want to do. Knowing what he is up to, just makes me want to scream at him, but I'm trying to focus on that db-Ing is all about me. Looking after me, and improving my own wellbeing.

Got s fair few things to get done which will keep me entertained today. So I shall put my attention into those and getting that done

Your right Cherry, it was just interesting that of all the material I have read this is something he would relate to but for sure I am still not going to show it to him!

I hope you have a lovely relaxing day!

Definitely keep it there, then when he hopefully removes his head from his @ss you can show it to him.

I seriously think the problem with my wh is that he doesn't understand a m, he doesn't get the fact that it's not like it is in the movies, and that the lustful feeling wears off. But that's not my issue to work out, when he has the same problem over and over in his life- maybe then he will address it.

Been busy doing some organising of my clothes today, changing bedding etc. Wh managed to look after s for a whole 2 hours (s slept the entire time). So now going to have some fun with s for the afternoon, the rest of my to do list can go on hold for a while.

Had to communicate with him to ask about if s had eaten/slept etc. Managed to do this in a non "I want to tear your head off way", and he actually looked at me- this is a first in a while, you would think I was medusa and he feared turning to stone!