Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Very close to giving up

Sorry if you already talked about this, but ... why do you have so little time for yourself? Does your WW work outside the home? What does WW do on the weekends?

I was in a somewhat similar situation, in that I really did a lot around the house and w/ my kids. So much so that it felt suffocating and mothering to my WW, and she also felt very guilty about it.

I think GAL-ing doesn't *necessarily* require big chunks of time. I believe you can do little things to reclaim your independent identity. Just takes some creativity.

Jug,

Just caught up with your thread... if you rewind my sich about 12 months I put myself almost at the same place as you - except I didn't have this forum then. Caught W in an EA, she denied it but wouldn't break contact with OM. Wanted Open marriage and kept pushing it, even loured me into discussing spicing up our sex life with a 3rd... we went to MC, and she detached as I continued to push.

After I overdid it for her birthday she declared the ILYBINILWY and then moved out - that's when I came across this forum... about 6 months beyond where you are at. So consider yourself lucky that you found it so early and can detach early and not make the same pushy mistakes I did. Pressure only pushes them away!

If I were to do it all over again I would have found concrete proof earlier on of the PA (I backed off but never stopped watching her) and then given her an ultimatum or detached then instead of continuing pretending nothing was going on while trying to fix the R. That only pushed her more towards him.

A few things.. don't push MC it doesn't do any good if she doesn't want to be there. Detach now while you still can.

WRT the A... I know you probably don't want to hear this but sounds like a PA. I didn't think mine was but had suspicions and finally proved it out later on. (The OM and spice up sex were the clear cut indicators)

For finances, we came go an agreement which we both signed, no L's involved which I know some on this forum would advise against but it's been 4 months and she's kept her end of things.

Oddly enough despite moving out she's still very engaged around the house, trying to take care of things.

As to when to throw in the towel, I have been tempted many times over the last year but it passes, prayer and surrounding myself with pro-marriage friends help. I also look to my D and ask myself what kind of role model do I want to be for her.

Thank you for this. I needed to hear it just now. And again, and again, and again.

Agreed. Ww is a sahm. Me doing as much as I do has been a point of contention with us. We haven't been able to work out a good balance of her getting a break and my getting a break. It has led to me bein passive aggressive about it.

Paclove-

Thanks for the comments. I think a PA is quite likely based on circumstances but doesn't change much at this stage as she just won't break contact.

I'm working on detaching while being friendly.

Thanks for the support with not throwing in the towel. I second gump's motion.

This was a big source of frustration for my SAHM W (now WW). I think men often underestimate how stressful it is to be w/ kids at home. It varies a lot by:
(a) personality of SAHM (or Dad); and
(b) personalities of the kids -- whether they are easy-going and get along w/ each other vs. high-need and contentious.

It can feel to the SAHM/D like you are completely worn out by the kids, and they don't feel as fulfilled by being w/ your kids, and they feel like they got nothing done. It's repetitive work w/o tangible rewards.

I'm not sure how much of this contributed to our marital problems, especially since, from early on, I tried really hard to do my fair share of work at home, and give my W breaks.

I travel for my work about 2-3 times a year, typically about 4-6 days per trip. In all the years we were married, I *never* took a trip by myself for pleasure. Yet I believe she resented my trips away, because it was perceived as a "break" from responsibilities at home. I supported/encouraged her to take pleasure trips for herself, and she did take several trips to visit friends. But it never gave her enough relief from the stress of being a SAHM. But, my W has serious anxiety and impulse control issues that make her home life feel very stressful.

ForGump/Jug,

Not sure if you are religious at all, but there's a great daily reflection out there that I've been reading daily. Unfortunately forum rules don't let me publish a link or name it, but go to your favorite online store and search for separation reflection and see what comes up.

BTW if you decide to confirm the PA, be very careful about how you do it... for me I think it backfired big time and pushed her further away as I shattered the trust between us. Yes I know it's already shattered with your W, but trust is a two way streak.

Correction search "surviving separation"

Thanks paclove. I'll look into that.

I don't need to confirm the pa. I know it's all bad and I think I know plenty.

What you said rings true. we have many other problems and this was a catalyst. Your wife sounds more and more like mine.