Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives 10 Years Later - From a DB'er

Personally if she is wearing a LBD every day that will do. Or is that a Nun? . Kinky but hey so what.....

You guys are so awesome! Lots of great stuff for me again. I'll try to respond to some of them. I will also include my latest profile at the end.

SOTO - "the current online arrangements are really working for you and perhaps it's time to knock that one on the head and follow a different path." - Clearly it's not and getting worse. Now I don't put a lot of time in at this point anymore and that may be it but I've sort of already given up. To be honest the last four women I went out with did not come from online. It almost seems like the older I get/the longer I've tried, the less dates I even get from online.

SOTO - "why not just suspend the desire to meet someone else for now, take the pressure off and just enjoy going with the flow on a solo basis." While I don't disagree with you, that's what I was pretty much doing from 2009-2013. How do I get to the top of the mountain if I stop climbing?

SOTO - "So, I think it could be worth taking the focus off dating, stepping back and focusing on some of the spiritual, internal stuff - how am I feeling and why, what messages am I giving myself. How am I looking after myself and nourishing my own soul etc..." That's sort of what I'm doing in a way by coming back here. I guess it's the frustration of it all that's really gotten me down the most. This should also just not be this hard - and this frustrating! But again, I have to ask if I want to climb a mountain and that's my goal, how am I working towards my goal by suspending my climb?

MAYBELL - "There is almost certainly nothing wrong with you but if a lot of your dissatisfaction bleeds out with your dates as it does here, that would be something to examine and get under control." I went on a date a few years ago like you describe. She was so negative about anything and everything! I finally couldn't take it anymore and pretty much beyond my control, "I gotta go" bust out of my mouth in mid sentence. LOL. So I hear you. Thing is, I don't think that's me and sadly all but one of the dates did not go to a second because of my choice. Even the one I would have went out with a second time very likely was not a fit either - just enough of one for a second date had she been interested. So I'm not saying THEY are not interested in a second date - as much or more of the time, I'm not interested. This really is a double edged problem I have here. While I most certainly struggle to find women who are interested in me, I find it even harder to locate women with whom I'm interested - even when I am trying to accept those beyond my typical or my comfort zone. But to answer your question, I'm not at all saying the things on dates that I'm saying here - not at all. I just focus on having fun and being myself.

MAYBELL - "But you have to invest yourself in being ready when it shows up." And if I'm not a complex case as it is, this is my next fear. I really hope that after all of this I will appreciate just how rare it is for me to find someone I'm interested in and then who is also interested in me. I fully acknowledged however that it is very possible what you are saying could happen - I won't be ready when or in my case if it shows up. I hope I am and I'm trying to be but it is a concern.

KML - "You might have to contacts dozens....even hundreds..... Before getting a good response. And you can't take it personally." I fully acknowledged I am not putting a huge amount of time in OLD. That is both good and bad from how I see it in that those of you saying I should take a break, just let it happen, not try so hard, well in a way I already am doing that. I don't spend several hours each day going through the profiles - it's more like several hours a week. Again, I've not had a date from online all year - and it's August. They have all been from in person meetings.

KML - "I stopped replying to people I wasn't interested in btw, because no matter how polite I was about it, too many wrote back with angry messages. So don't be upset if someone just doesn't answer." I've heard this a lot. You'll see below I even put it in my profile. I'm very careful not to do it myself but I do fully get that many women won't respond at all due to bad previous experiences like you report.

PAINTER - "I wonder if you really want a R. Sometimes we think we want something but we don't really. I ask because you say that you have found someone but you feel it is impossible due to distance. Why is it impossible for you to pursue this? Is it a 10 hour flight or drive?" 10 hour drive. Let's be honest, long distance R's are difficult. That being said, it's not ME but HER who doesn't want to try the long distance thing. I met her when I was in her hometown with a band I was performing with. At first she said we could be "pen-pals" and was pretty firm not even consider anything else. She then came to Chicago for work (I'm near Milwaukee) and we went on our first date - and had a great time. We've gone out several times since and keep in touch on a pretty regular basis. I was hoping things would continue but she was widowed 4 years ago and I'm not sure she is fully ready. On top of it, she's only dated one guy more than once. Her D17 saw some text messages from the guy and FREAKED OUT. She was a daddy's girl and the thought of her mom dating someone was too much. So she does all she can to keep this out of her daughter's view - which makes it even all that much harder. I'd totally go spend some weekends with her but can't due the D situation. She, by far, is the nicest lady I've met in many years. I would love to see what might happen but that ball is in her court. She actually seems to have been reaching out more the past couple months so perhaps change will come? Who knows. I can just tell you I'd be happy to try and made that known. She is not.

GINGER1 - "You had made a mention of where there was a responsive woman, but YOU didn't feel the chemistry. Well, that's not a fail." You are correct and I could give you a list of others. This is what makes my sitch, hell my life, even that much more complicated as I feel like I'm looking for lightening to strike. It's not only finding someone who is interested in me, but who I'm interested in as well. I'm not willing to settle. I'd still rather be happy by myself than miserable or even less than happy with someone else. I am very independent. I've always been very good at being on my own. I don't NEED someone - far from it. I do however WANT to have someone - and when I say WANT someone, I mean, just to do things with, travel with, spend weekends with. I would do casual and occasional right up through regular or permanent.

GINGER1 - "re: replying to emails. I get many many many emails on these sites." And I get NONE!!!!!! Why is that? Is it just because I'm a guy? Okay, I can't say I get none but I can say I get next to none and I've gotten none from anyone that is of even a little bit of interest to me. The few I get are either from scammers or from women who are sooooo far from anything I'd even begin to consider a match it's not even funny. I can only imagine having that problem - too many emails that I can't even respond. That's such a foreign concept to me I can't even tell you.

GEORGABELLE - "There are many flaky people out there. You just have to accept that culturally it is common and not get bogged down in thinking you are the cause of it." This too is part of the challenge - I totally agree. I just had this conversation with a friend where I said "Why can't I just find a normal woman?" This is part of the frustration. It's not at all that I'm finding these seemingly great ladies who are not interested. Not at all the case - I'm finding tons of misfits that I have zero interest in. Again, the 10 hours away lady that I'd love to date and I had this discussion when we first met - it's sort of what connected us. She calls OLD "the land of misfit toys"

GEORGABELLE - "I also read the words "picky" and "won't settle." Again, I think we have turned settling into a bad thing. We ALL settle on certain things or at least something. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US." No one is perfect. There are always going to be things that I may "settle" for. What I'm saying is if it gets to the point that I'd rather be by myself than with this person, it's just not worth it. That's what I'm trying to say I will not do. If I would rather have my current situation rather than be with this person, it's not worth it.

Just because I didn't respond to the many other great comments doesn't mean I didn't read or even use them. So, thanks again to all of you.

And now, by popular request, here is, the latest OLD profile. I've changed it probably a dozen times over the past two years. In general it's shorter now than in previous months. I've tried a variety of things - more specifics, less specifics, more about me, less about me, etc. So this is just the latest version but will give you a pretty good idea. So go ahead, let me know what you think! I will also try to see if I can find a few of the previous versions as well. Also, keep in mind that this OLD site separately lists interests, hobbies, stats, etc. so that's why they are not duplicated in the profile narrative.

____________________________________

Thanks for stopping by to take a look! I’m an extremely honest, very reliable, sarcastically funny, diversely accomplished, guy. I'm pretty laid back and easy going. I'm told I'm pretty funny but you do have to get my sarcasm for that to be the case. We (my friends and I) do laugh a lot, I do know that. There may be some occasional eye rolling too.

I would love to meet someone fun, compatible, smart and interesting, to do things with. That's first on the list. From there, who knows? I'm really open to just about anything but rarely rush into it. I'm totally fine with casual, with the same person, as well. I'm pretty sure that whatever is meant to be is what will happen - eventually. I tend to connect best with someone comfortable and confident in themselves who is more on the out-going side. I really do have a great life already. I just want to improve on that, especially when it comes to travel, going out, good conversation, spending time together, etc. I've never been the type of guy who "needs" a girlfriend or can't be alone - not even close. I'm very good at taking what comes and that would include being lucky enough to find someone who is the right fit. Hope that all makes sense.

I have to say I'm surprised at how many people here don't seem to follow through, or won't even take a chance and respond to an email or two. Can you really tell you're not a match with someone through a 300-word paragraph? I know I can't. In fact, I often can't tell until I meet someone in person. If we are not a match, we'll figure it out fast enough and I promise I won't take it personally, get mad or cyber stalk you! Again, I really value honesty. So there is no risk in chatting a bit or a quick meet and greet. Plus, what do we have to lose?

No matter what, you'll get complete honesty; no games and I always do what I say I will. Want to know more, just ask!

Don,

As usual, I'm really late to this party. Things offline have kept me busier than usual and I haven't logged in lately. My friends here have made some amazing comments and insights. They're quite awesome, aren't they?

I bring another perspective to this pool. I lost my younger brother to complications from a heroin addiction almost 2 years ago. So congratulations on your sobriety. It's big, and I can say from your experience your family and friends are undoubtedly thrilled to have you back in their lives without that monkey on your back.

I read your OLD profile as a middle aged chick and wonder, "who is this guy?" If your picture looks awesome, I'd probably communicate with you. But if you're like the rest of us, it doesn't tell me about you at all.

Do you have a personal mission statement of sorts? Do you have things that are super important to you? Are you the kind of person who wants to pay it forward? Has some experience in your life prompted you to become passionate about something? Say, like... mentoring those who are trying to get or stay clean? Dig deep. What brings you joy? Are you a dog lover or someone who believes in the arts? Church? Civic involvement? Tell me more.

All of my friends here asked some terrific questions. Ginger commenting on not labeling things as right hit me. Ellie (KML) commenting that motorcycle story. GB, who is ever intuitive and direct. (Love them.)

I came to your thread not having an inkling about your story today. (Like I said, life off the computer just got nutso.) I also wonder if you label things as bad or write them off due to being picky or setting as a means of not addressing your own baggage? It's not a judgement... just a question. What would happen if you just hit the reset button with your OLD thing and just told yourself that rather than writing people off who are neutral, you'd give yourself a chance to find out more?

We all have our stories, Don. It's what makes us interesting. Getting to know people is fun. Asking questions is a great way to see what makes people tick. I'm not saying that you initiate contact with someone whose lifestyle and/or values are not in synch with yours... there is no way I would find a marathon runner or avid biker my cup of tea (and I can promise you that my lack of interest in their avocations would turn them off as well).

That being said, have you thought of doing more of what you like and see if someone interesting isn't there waiting for you? I know you are a musician, so have you thought of hooking up with some sort of meetup group that is musically inclined? What if your special person is a drummer or a keyboard chick? Wouldn't that make your passion for music a little closer to home?

That being said, I'm going to quote you on your response to Maybell:



Here, put on my pair of glasses. I might be the only one here who feels this way, but I doubt it... I find it a complete turn on when a man is fully invested in his life and not waiting. On anything or anyone. He's immersed in his life and isn't closed off to inviting me into the inner circle, but his life is 100% his. Does this make sense? I don't want someone who wants me to bring 25% to make him whole. I want two whole people who are kicking ass and taking names just by having 2 100%ers in the pool. I'm willing to wait for it and him. But until that day comes, I'm living my life at full speed.

And yes, I'm not saying that you should want to explore folks who have deal breakers. Mine is smoking. I'll be friends with them, but I won't be doing the dirty with them. I understand the giving up part. I'm not doing OLD at all anymore. It's not a judgement... I just spend my entire work day on a computer and I don't want to have any more intimate contact with it than I do already. Computers make me money.

So, why not reframe your profile to give people a truly honest look at what you have to offer?

Betsey

As far as the amount of emails I get....

IT IS BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN.

It's just the way it is. I do not send any unless I am really interested. Men usually take the first step. So, it has nothing to do with you personally at all.

Let's say I get 10 emails in one day. MAYBE one of them is of quality. "HI" does not count. "I want to wife you up" (seriously, this happens, and it doesn't count)" "Hey sexy" does not count either. So quality wise, my number is low.

For what it's worth, I am also looking for lightening to strike. I want someone who fits the bill of what I am looking for. But it's not a failure, it's just frustrating that you haven't yet. but really, you may find that someone might have more in common than you thought if you give one of those interested women a date. Your goals might be more similar than you think.

As for your online profile. I thought it was all great. Except for the last part. Leave out the part where you are shocked about how many people don't follow through. no need to even mention it. Because obviously it isn't eliminating the women who don't follow through. Just leave out the last part, that can be a discussion you have when you make contact. keeping it shorter and sweeter is sometimes a good idea.

I really do agree with Betsey. It's time to go out and do more in person activities that interest you and you never know who you will meet along the way.

I know if I had time, I would join a hiking club, take cooking classes (I'm a good cook, but it's fun to learn new things) maybe an art class. The guy I was dating took a pottery class when we were dating and he was the only guy.......

You have options. use them!

So I've got one person saying the OLD profile should be much more detail and say more of who I'm am and one saying not to change a thing other than removing the end. Such is the nature of opinions on such things. I actually at one time had a lot more detail as to what I wanted, who I was, what I enjoyed, etc. I had multiple people suggest I NOT include those things, that they were far better to be things to discuss when you meet. I was told that the goal was to find potential interesting people and the details came later as part of the process. I tend to agree.

Was hoping since many people asked me to post the profile more than two would comment. I do tend to write a lot so many of you may still be trying to read it all.

As for a mission statement, I very much had my life planned out. Sadly life had another plan. For as long as I can remember my plan was to work really hard, get ahead and retire early to travel and have fun. The plan totally came together and I officially declared semi-retirement 5 years ago at 48. The rest just had not happened as planned.

This week has been the second in recent months of low productivity. I hope I'm not hitting a depression here. That happened in 2008 and it was brutal. To make matters worse, one of my major life accomplishments was building the state association I ran for nearly 20 years into the largest of its type in the USA. Sadly the current board of directors is killing it one piece at a time. Membership is down nearly 25%, staff have quit and the iceberg is clearly ahead. I still contract some services to them and it's truly depressing to see.

On a positive note, had some great interactions this week with the widow 10 hours from me. She shipped two of her three kids back to college this week. Amazing what that does for looking into the future.

Beyond that, not much new to report.

Don,

My apologies as I thought I had commented on this. My apologies as I thought I had commented on this again I only online dated for three weeks but I have helped other people with their profiles. However that doesn't make me an expert 😉

Please don't take this the wrong way but I remember you saying that you were very sarcastically funny. I certainly believe you but that doesn't come across in this post. My headline was "Looking for a domestic goddess who loves to cook? Then the first line saiD , "Then read no further. I'm not the one for you." I would think that people who do online dating for a long periods of time need to try to do things to sort of stand out. Granted , I understand many people just look at the photos. However, if you're looking for someone funny and that is extremely important to you ( it is to me!!!!) then you need to show that you're funny.

I also think that when you put the line about something casual is OK, some might belive you are just looking for a hook up or a booty call. Women are very sensitive to those things particularly if they are looking for something serious . If you would consider that that's fine I just probably wouldn't put it in the profile. Those things have a way of sorting themselves out once you meet.

Like Ginger said if you are a woman you are literally inundated with hundreds of emails . That means exactly nothing . And I certainly didn't consider the plethora of emails from 19-year-old boys who went to the college where I graduated from 20 some odd years ago as potential prospects . I am more than well aware they were not looking for anything other than a Mrs. Robinson type experience . I even took the time to write some of them back saying "I know where you go to school. I graduated from there trust me you can get la!d. ". I wish them good luck and again I was only on there for three weeks.

Make sure your pictures look nice. You seem like a nice guy so keep at it.

And please forgive any typos I was on my phone

Georgia - thank you very much for taking the time to comment. I greatly appreciate it plus think you provided some great thoughts, especially the humor part. Very good point.

I am curious why you were only online for three weeks? What happened? And if you tell me you met the man of your dreams that fast, I swear I will come and hunt both you and Maybell down as its bad enough she had off the charts luck - I don't think I can take two of you pulling that off. .

Don -- My Guy wasn't the man of my dreams -- he was someone I was willing to take a chance on and it paid off better than expected, over time. It almost didn't. From his side of the table, I was (and still am, as you've seen) anxious and suspicious and hesitant, alternating with very enthusiastic and always an engaged listener. From my side, he moved way too slowly and (and a couple of other things that worked out to be non-issues), alternating with being someone who clearly needs the sort of nurturing I enjoy providing, who nurtures me in ways I've never experienced before, and who could show me things about the world that I want to see. Somehow we connect, and we both value the connection. He wasn't the guy I was most excited to go out with before I met him. By a long shot. But he didn't drag out the chatting, etc., over a long time. We exchanged three messages, maybe, and he asked me to lunch, and after that we really didn't interact until we met in person. The promptness of it meant that I wasn't totally worked up over how well it was going to go, which probably made it easier for both of us to connect with each other when we did.

The thing about him I value most is the connection. When it's good, it's unbelievably good, and when I get anxious, you've seen how I get. That has nothing to do with whether the profile is full or skimpy, with the LBD/jeans question, etc. What it came down to was, he was willing to take a chance on me, and I was willing to take a chance on him, and over time, as we got to know each other, it worked out. (Though I immediately ruled out everyone who said versions of "No drama please" because of what it said about where their hearts and minds were. Like I'm going to self-identify as a drama queen!)

It may be worth pointing out that there were certain minimum requirements he met for me to be willing to take the chance, but they basically had to do with not being intolerably negative or self-absorbed.

I DON'T KNOW if this is going to work out forever. There are still kinks to iron out (you've seen a few of the ones on my side...) I have some growing and healing to do before I'm a safe risk for him, too, and I know it.

Thank you for your thoughts over on my thread. I appreciate the male perspective. I'm still mulling over all the good insights I got over there so I'm not responding till I've digested all of it and worked through the automatic resistance to vulnerability.

Don,

Oh gosh no. Please don't think I met my dream man in 3 weeks. I had a crush on the guy that worked in my lobby. On a whim I joined a site at 2 am, and voila! There he was. And I was not looking for anything serious. Ryan Gosling could have been at my front door and while I would have thought he was hot caca, I would have closed the door. Well, after playing tonsil darts for a bit.

I am very much a free spirit and I have always attracted men looking for relationships. I had been in relationships since I was 21 (give or take 2 months in between relationships) so I thought that I needed to be by myself. And it was definitely the right decision for me.

I know many people have thought about what they want in a partner, my reflection has been more about what I can and cannot be in a relationship. I am the only common denominator. I have always been in relationships with good guys, however, at some point I shut down and they become extremely frustrated with me. I now understand that and don't look at my relationships as failures, but rather just chapters in my life.

I have 3 kids under 13 and there dad may see them 4 nights a month or no nights. My free time is precious so I decided about a year ago that dating may not ever be in my future. And if I found someone great. And if I didn't? Life would still be pretty awesome.

One of my guy friends said one of his friends saw my SM posts and thought I was cute. My friend said he's a really cool guy and that I should grab a drink with him. I didn't feel particularly anything but I knew I would have fun. I laughed so hard I cried 3 times on that date. I liked him but didn't think much about it.

It's been 6 or 7 weeks since then and he's a fantastic guy. I was very honest with him and that I just can't go places very often so if you want to get to know me you're going to have to come visit my house . I realize that doesn't sound enticing to many but he said he understands that I'm a package . So far so good.
It is a bit different this time around because I have a fantastic time with him and I'm so happy to see him. It is a bit different this time around because I have a fantastic time with him and I'm so happy to see him. However, when he leaves my life is still really good and I still have fun. I guess what I'm trying to say is that in the past I put my relationship and such a high priority that I neglected other areas of my I guess what I'm trying to say is that in the past I put my relationship and such a high priority that I neglected other areas of my life . I cannot do that with children . They come first and a relationship would have to be secondary at this point . And for the first time everything feels like it has a balance .

Please keep at it . I genuinely believe there is someone for everyone . The challenges we don't know when we will meet that person and it may not be on our own time frame. I do know that we should enjoy every day is much as possible because things can change in an instant. I do know that we should enjoy every day is much as possible because things can change in an instant .