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Are you expecting a different response this time?

Sandi,

I don't want to hijack RSGs thread, but to answer your question. I have never asked her what she wants and she has never told me. I followed DB and gave her 6 month of space with no pursuing and let her do what whatever she wanted and we all know how that turned out.

The fact she keeps wanting to do things with me yet I assume is still seeing another man. I'm not going to be angry on confrontational just when she asks me again tomorrow if I will be coming over for dinner I am going to ask why she wants me to? I just want to hear why she is so interested in doing things with me after she fired me as her H.

She wants her cake and to eat it too. It's quite obvious. And as long as she gets the cake, she's going to keep eating it!

I think the question is what do you want?

That's awesome to hear RSG! It's amazing how much and IC visit can help to take the edge off and re-affirm what we are doing to make ourselves better people.



This is the part that's currently killing me as well. It seems like we've both gotten to a place where we can "manage" the stress the OM situation provides. But for some reason it's extremely difficult to deal w/ the constant lying coming out of them. Even w/ the statements from everyone that we should believe none of what W is saying, it's difficult to not want to trust them bc we fully did in the past. I don't remember if I shared this in my thread, but when I told my W that I knew she'd been lying non-stop to me the past 3 months, she just responded w/ "So?!!". That pretty much sums up how messed up their thoughts/morals are right now, for me at least.

With that said, don't let her lies knock you off balance. Maybe it's best to be skeptical of everything she says, that way you're not caught off guard. [censored] to live and communicate that way, but it may be necessary until she proves that she can be trustworthy again.

Hang in there though brother! Like I've said before, you are a prime example of what I'm trying to get to. You're doing great and just need to keep it up!

LT, it is definitely the lies. The other crap about Trailer Trash would come out at any kind of MC we would go to, but that's a scenario months in the future if ever.

As for the rest of the morning....the texting got weird. She described the surgery, and that they have to get a piece of her inner ear, send it off to the lab before removing the whole thing. Then she said "life has really changed." Well, curiosity killed the cat.....I couldn't help myself and the discussion continued. If I opened the door for her last night to say "I want a D" then this AM I stood in front of it like a game show host "Behind door #1 a brand new divorce just for you! This shiny new..."

She'd say half assed stuff like "I moved all my stuff out, I don't know what you think. I'm just taking this one day at a time." I said "If you have made a choice please say so, I'm not really following you." The 2 sentences from her were really contradictory. She responded "JESUS! I'm at effing work. No I haven't!" "Well, that made perfect sense, have a good day." I wasn't offended, that's actually how W speaks normally when she's busy. A few minutes later she said "Sorry didn't mean to snap" and I say no biggie. We have a little laugh about how texting is a great way to miscommunicate.

She then says she's buying S a birthday shirt or two (smiley emoji) a couple hours later, and I just say he'll like that.



SO: Where am I. I don't think I showed my cards too much. If anything, I felt I showed I'm not afraid of D. Things haven't changed much for me. Keep on truckin really. She seems to think I should be freaked out she moved everything out, but realistically it had to happen. If we both suddenly agreed for her to come home, in 4-6 weeks we'd be D and one or both of us depressed. It wasn't a big deal to me.

Where's she? She seems scared and afraid of losing me. But not enough to commit to anything. I guess it just hasn't been enough time, but I DID give her numerous opportunities last night and today to say I'm done and she didn't. Instead, she got angry and defensive.

RSG,
I've been lurking my friend. I'm caught up. Your W is still in what I like to call "confused" mode. She doesn't know what she wants and she is scared. You can't do anything about what she is doing. Let her color her hair bright orange and wear spiked chains. She is going through a period right now that she is totally unsure of what she wants. You also can't control what happens with Trailer Trash! Love the name btw. lol
You know my past situation fairly well it seems like. Remember I didn't even find this website till a few months after BD.
So you have had a head start and you are doing great detaching.
If you want to save your M, then that is key. When you truly detach is when things will change. You answer Mr. Bond about light touching. Don't focus on that. You aren't there. It will just come across as awkward.
The more she notices positive changes about you the more it will make her question things. When she starts to do that, she will then talk about spending "family" time together for S
Then when that is comfortable then pursue light touching.
Patience! Patience! Patience!

Thanks for stopping by. You're always able to come through and talk me off the ledge, slow my heart to a normal rate lol.

Yes, I think I know what the hair colors, tattoos, money spending (she mentioned at drop off spending a lot on some Perry Ellis glasses), etc means. They are all things I discouraged for probably obvious reasons. She's expressing herself, and I think the fact I haven't mentioned anything about any of them (besides the first tattoo around 3 weeks after she left) has surprised her.

There's other stuff, like listening, validation and my general calmness that I've been working hard on. They're def 180s for me, and I think they're becoming noticeable.

Dropoff was rather dramatic. 15 minutes, and she was bawling for most of it. She's worried about S, not wanting him to fall behind and stressed about getting him a Dr, therapy and the whole shebang. She's terrified about surgery, and the fact her insurance is changing this week and she doesn't know what it means (yep, that was my job). The growth in her ear is something the Drs didn't recognize, although she said it was benign thank God. It was in this state she asked "Do you want to divorce me?" In that sweet voice I haven't heard in ages. Thankfully I didn't say NO! I just said I haven't made any decisions yet. And that's 100% truthful. There's enough love in my heart to rebuild a new marriage. There's also enough hurt that I could D and be ok. She DID say "I don't know what I want" which I guess validates you 100% CBT. She started talking about what taking her clothes meant, and that if we D we could be "civil" in which I believe she means being like we are now. Wanted to say BS and tell her reality, but that just was not appropriate lol.

She said "Stop bothering me about what S says." And I said, I don't like it W in a quiet but stern voice. She said, I know what you mean. I'm sorry. Says something to me that she can't say his name and seems embarrassed. It also says something that she's still confused about stuff like insurance despite talking to Trailer Trash fairly often. Seems like I'm bang on about him ha. (A picture says a million, not thousand words ha)

We talked about some other stuff, and when I felt myself reacting in old ways I immediately recognized it and stopped. Plus for me. She said she lives about 15 minutes away, in the same city.

I saw a lot of good things in 15 mins. I saw my wife, vulnerable, open and receptive for the first time in a long time. I heard and saw a woman that respected me, valued me and wanted me to be there. When she asked to stop talking about "us" I just said ok, no problem. Lets just focus on your health. While she was crying, I did ask if she wanted a hug. I didn't advance any, I just asked and when she said no (she's not touchy feely) I said ok and didn't react otherwise.

Thanks for the little roadmap. It helps. Touching this woman will be very difficult. Her skin feels SO GOOD to me, but she is very guarded about being let into her bubble. That's a while away though, so nothing to worry about for now. Some days I just get sick of feeling like I'm following a map to buried treasure, like something out of the Goonies lol. I'm working on my patience but it's hard. I think I'm doing a good job on my own, not riding her roller coaster or reacting to how she feels. Detaching is difficult, but I'm making progress daily. Focusing on my boy really helps, and even though I don't have time to do much outside of the house, I'm doing well doing things I like. I might try another recipe this weekend!

Again thanks man. If it weren't for folks like you, Cnut and others that have chimed in (even those I've argued with) I'd probably be divorced and not in a very good state mentally. I can see some tadpoles swimming around the pond, I've just got to keep nurturing them and hope a frog develops....

Sorry, RGS, thought I was on Albac's thread.

No problem Sandi!!

Well, not much to talk about today. No contact from W, other than a couple sentences at dropoff about S being loud and acting up during naptime. When we were leaving, she beeped her horn and waved, I looked and just turned back w/o doing anything and S didn't notice.

I know people say that after you have a big moment with a wayward, they pull back. She also asked for space yesterday as well. That said, I started thinking....how is this different than if I were divorced already? What do I really have to lose at this point?

Made it through last night to today, haven't felt that down in a long time. I guess subconsciously I just wanted the progress of the other day to continue, and when it didn't the slightest thing made me crumble.

W having a long school day today, so I'm picking up S after work and she's getting him tomorrow. I'm torn as to whether I should text her good luck re her presentation at Curriculum night. I'd like to, I'm just not sure I'm at the point of showing emotional support like that yet....