Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Have I been making mistakes too long part 9

I wouldn't make that call if I were you. Resist that urge.

Just an update.

I have resisted the urge to call the W. it has been 5 days now and it feels like a month. We have talked about the kids. when I am picking them up and stuff like that but nothing about us. She has been ok to deal with.

My life is still a complete mess but im embracing the loneliness. Im allowing myself to feel the emotions without masking them with alcohol or other women. I don't understand why it has taken me this long to get tot this point but it has. Everyone on this site and in my personal life has told me that using alcohol or women or anything else to cope with the loss is a bad idea and only leads to more problems. Why didn't I take the advice? I coming out the other end of it and doing fine without it but I could have started the healing process sooner had I listened.

The life I was living was reckless for me and anyone around me at that time.

Update,

So the W has now said that she doesn't think its a good idea that her and kids move back in. I seems like she is just dangling a carrot to see how I will respond. It kind of hurt me to hear that she will not be moving back but I expected it.

Today is her birthday and of course im not invited to the party. Im like Rodney Dangerfield. I get no respect. She is totally reliant on me for money but I get no credit. I work myself to death to make sure the kids school is paid and no bills are late. Isn't that worth something?

Hi TK, I'm sorry that you feel sad about it. But, you know I kind of feel glad too, because it didn't sound as though your W was 'all in' and I think those should be the only terms on which you would live together again. Otherwise, you risk a kind of in-house S, which is painful and all that comes with that.

Now then my friend, she's made that decision - so accept and respect her choice and then get your focus right off her. You know what she's doing now - and so you can shift gear back to you.

Tell us some more about your plans. I'm pleased to read that you've managed to put aside the running behaviours. Given recent events, how are you going to keep on moving forwards? Your post above has a self-pitying tone - and that's never a good state to remain in for long....time to move solidly forward again...

I'm rooting for you TK

tk my friend!

I have been keeping up, but short on time to post.
You have received a lot of good feedback and very in line with what I would say.

You have now seen why believe nothing she says and only 50 percent of what she does.
You are a long ways away from being the change that you need to be. It was only a short time ago that you came back here and shared with us.

Last I saw you indicated AA was not your favorite. So what are you doing about the alcohol issue?
You have cut off the women, this is good. What are you doing to fill the needs you thought they were meeting?
What other steps are you taking for emotional healing?

I am concerned for you. Your postings sound down and maybe even depressed. I know you are going through a lot, but I am here to support you as you take it one step at a time.
Let's do this so you are not looking back to now a year from now wishing you would have done more.
Chin up. One foot in front of the other my friend. You can do this.

Thanks guys,

Although my last few posts have sounded depressed, im actually doing pretty good. I have been working a lot on my new projects and have been spending a lot of time working on the house doing some drywall and painting work. I also have had the kids more often than I used to. When the W first left she told me that I could have them every other weekend and on Wednesdays. I told her a few weeks ago after I had seen my lawyer that I wanted joint custody and that I had a good chance of receiving this. That is the point where she said she may consider moving back in.
Anyway, I have been able to have them more than usual and it has been great for all of us.

To answer the question about the alcohol, I just don't need it. I have been working through the emotions in a more healthy way. The drinking and craziness was just a phase and im glad its over. I don't know what changed but something just told me to stop the recklessness. I have since felt a lot better about myself. I am in control again. Not that I don't get sad pretty much every day. I am able to resist the urge to go out. I haven't been in a bar in a long time. I have even turned down a lot of piano jobs. I do need the money but I don't want to be in the bars.

I have been playing a lot at home and I have also dusted off the banjo and started playing it again. Im taking some online lessons. I am starting to enjoy life again. For a long time I didn't want to do any of the things that used to make me happy. For some reason playing music had lost its fun. I have also started teaching my S8 guitar. This has ben a real treat.

Just a recap of yesterday:
It was the W's birthday and she had a get together at her brothers house. I was scheduled to have the kids. She asked if she could have them for her birthday and I agreed. She told me about the get together and I jokingly said "Awesome! What time should I be there". The replied that I was not invited. So.. around lunch yesterday my SIL (her brothers W) texted me to invite me. I told her that the W didn't want me there. She said she was sorry and that they would miss me. After work W's brother called me to invite me and I told him that the W didn't want me there. He said that he hoped that my W would be more mature about things considering my children would expect me there. Anyway, I received a text from the W saying "im really sorry". I responded "for what". I didn't get a reply.

I know none of this makes sense but this whole thing made feel unwanted and used. If I had not received the calls from her family inviting me, I would have been fine. Its just awkward.

Don't dwell on this. It is cool that the in laws contacted you directly. Beats them being against you.

Who knows how things will be next year. Until then continue the good work on you for you.

Enjoy the extra time with your kids.

How is tk doing?

What are you working on?
How are the kids?

I pray that things are well and moving in a positive direction for my friend tk.

Im doing ok SH. Thanks for asking. How are you?

I spent the weekend on a remote island golf resort with a couple of friends. It was a complete disaster. They are brothers and fought the whole time we were there. They stayed drunk and slept in every morning. I was up before dawn every morning thinking about my situation. Wondering if things would ever start to feel normal again. I saw happy families on the beach with their children and it literally hurt my soul. I used to have that and I failed. We used to take vacations to the beach as a family and had such a great time. I wish I could erase those memories.

It has been so long since I have felt love that im not sure I would even recognize it if it hit me in the face. I feel so alone, un-wanted and disrespected. As you know, I have no family in the area and the few friends I have are not good influences. I basically stay in the house most of the time when im not working. I would just like to know for sure that at some point im my life I will be happy again. I know that my W is not coming back and that's ok. I just want to be able to truly smile again.

I though that the trip to the island would help me and maybe give me some new prospective. it just made things worse. I though about my kids constantly. I worried myself sick.