So I am new here. I think my H has been going through this for about 3 years, now that I look back. Back in March he dropped the first EB. We had a fight and he said he was done but still slept in the same bed. Needless to say, I asked him to go to counseling but he said what was the point as he was done. However, I still got a little emotional connection with him. Then on May 2, the second EB was dropped. This is where he spewed such hatred towards me and then moved out of the bedroom. I believe this is when he started full bore into Replay, however I think he was dabbling in it before this. He stayed in the other room and kept telling me every week or so that he was done and what did I want to do about our stuff. I told him I wasn't going to do anything as I wanted our marriage to work, but I left him alone in between and we didn't really speak except when it was about our daughter. It is during this time I realized he was having an EA with an OW. It has never been physical, as far as I can tell, but it sure was emotional. About 2 weeks after the 2nd EB, he came to me and wanted sex. My thought was/is that since he still is at home, I am commanded in God's word to give him his due.
So from May 2 to July 17, he was fully immersed in his Replay. My daughter and I went camping with my family the weekend of July 15 - 17, without him, obviously. When we came back on July 17, my H came up to me with tears in his eyes and told me he was sorry and that he knows it isn't just me (big of him, I know), that it is him too and he has some issues he is working through and to give him time to work through them. Of course, I said yes and for about 2 weeks, I could tell he was trying. He moved back into our bedroom. For the past 3+ weeks, I know he hasn't had any real contact with the OW. Then, about 2 weeks ago he started pulling back again and it looks like he has regressed. I was devastated as I didn't think he'd do that. After some more research, I do believe he had his "First Awakening" about a month ago. He went out with his single cousins last week and is now back in contact with the OW. He is acting very distant the past few days. Can this be because of guilt?
My question/confusion is whether this is still Replay or if he is now having to cycle through all the stages as he comes out of this.
Please Help!!
Last edited by Cadet; 08/12/1611:53 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
H: 48 W: 41 M: 12 D: 10 1st DB: 3/15/16 2nd DB/S: 4/2/16 - H moved out of bedroom False Reconciliation: 7/17/16 - H moved back into bedroom
I went ahead and moved your post to Newcomers. More people will see it here which will enable to you receive support.
It is hard to know if he is in replay or feeling guilty. It is important for you to focus on being the best n2hcke and Mom right now.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
If he is still in replay, what was that interaction about 4 weeks ago? Isn't that the end of replay?
He no longer ignores our daughter and is making every effort to be there for her. Which he wasn't doing before. I thought that wasn't there in replay. He also has recently responded to my brother's text telling him he is trying to do what is best for not only him, but me and our D10 as well. Wouldn't that indicate he's moved into another stage or is this still something he does in replay? I haven't read anything on that.
One other thing, he sat me down 2 weeks ago and told me we weren't out of the woods yet. That he was still unsure if he wanted to be married. He told me that he couldn't tell me he loved me but that he LOVES our daughter. It was about this time that he started to withdraw again.
I don't mean to sound like I am arguing as I just want clarification.
H: 48 W: 41 M: 12 D: 10 1st DB: 3/15/16 2nd DB/S: 4/2/16 - H moved out of bedroom False Reconciliation: 7/17/16 - H moved back into bedroom
N2hcke, I'm sorry for what you are going thru. Sounds so familiar. I keep getting hopes up but the truth is this will be awhile. I'm curious what you were reading that referred to the first awakening as I have not heard that before. Can you tell me the book or article? Thanks! Keep posting and we will chat soon
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
I read it on the another site. She goes through the 6 stages of midlife crisis and she says the "First Awakening" is towards the end of the replay stage. What she describes in the Withdrawal stage seems to me like what my H is going through.
I just don't know how I can deal with this every day. I wonder if it would be easier if he moved out.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/12/1601:39 PM. Reason: per forum agreement do not post other sites or books on DB
H: 48 W: 41 M: 12 D: 10 1st DB: 3/15/16 2nd DB/S: 4/2/16 - H moved out of bedroom False Reconciliation: 7/17/16 - H moved back into bedroom
He went out with his single cousins last week and is now back in contact with the OW.
As long as the OW is in the picture as a general rule he is still in REPLAY.
Could he have a touch and go during this time? ummm - YES
My basic rule - don't stage watch, stop expecting this or that to happen. Cause that is when the MLC'er will turn on a dime and change direction. Stages do not always go in order and can repeat and cycle over and over again. I was one of the most attuned stage watchers when I started and could swear that my wife went through every stage in the book. I could repeat them word for word, but guess what after all the stages were over, except the last one she filed for divorce, and kept on running away. Best to watch the stages in the rear view mirror and then decide what happened way after the fact.
I am trying not to stage watch but the whole thing that happened 4 weeks ago seems to have pushed me backwards. It's like I have to start all over again with learning how to stand on my own and not expect anything.
I can't see how everyone here has stood so long. This is so daunting.
H: 48 W: 41 M: 12 D: 10 1st DB: 3/15/16 2nd DB/S: 4/2/16 - H moved out of bedroom False Reconciliation: 7/17/16 - H moved back into bedroom
Clarification: My H and the OW are starting a business. He goes over to her house and cooks, never spends the night. They post pictures of what they are creating on instagram. From everything I have been able to find out, the OW is happily married and her h is friendly with my H. I consider her an OW because he spends so much time with her and it looks like he gets the emotional boost from her that he should get from me. Based on the above, is she really considered an OW?
H: 48 W: 41 M: 12 D: 10 1st DB: 3/15/16 2nd DB/S: 4/2/16 - H moved out of bedroom False Reconciliation: 7/17/16 - H moved back into bedroom
