Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Maybs - Pt2

I'm not sure if you read my original thread. I think the link is at the beginning of this one... but basically she asked me to go to MC 8 weeks ago and before we even got to our first appointment did an about face and wanted a divorce. I suspect by this time she had met other "woman". (I use quotes because she's like 19 and still acts very childish and insecure)
When I confronted her a couple weeks later she lied to my face I called her out. We went to work I came home and she was packing up her sh!t and moving out and wasn't going to say a word to me.

Around that time is when I found this place and started reading other people's stories and eventually signed up and read the DR book.

At this point I'm not sure what else I can realistically do. I have said before I'm a very intuitive person and I knew something was wrong a couple days leading up to the BD but didn't think it was that. I knew there was someone else and looked into it and I was right.

Instinctively I feel that W and I are not "done" I have had this feeling for about a week now that there's going to come a point when she does want to work on things. I think there's for sure a chance she will change her mind. Even in the last few days her attitude and actions surrounding me have changed.

I'm not sure what else I can be doing, like the book says try something for a period of time and see if it's working and so far it seemed like it was working?

I've been doing my GAL activities, I've continued to see our MC alone and she is now my IC, I've 180d on a bunch of things (like the D I'm not fighting her on it but I'm not helping her either, the first thing I've said to her about it in over a month is about a mediator and that's purely financially motivated by me.) I went dark on July 21st. last week she started asking my friend about me at work and yesterday she contacted me. So I feel like that was working. I didn't act over eager to speak with her either last night or today. Just laid out the facts and tried to reiterate where I stand on "friendship".

I'm honestly not sure how much more I can do. I'm def open to suggestions...

I would also be open for a chat!

Well, a 12 year age difference, and ow is only 19 sounds like a disaster waiting to happen! It seems to me that you might be able to turn things around, and that you've done a lot that's right already. I'll read up on your situation when I get a chance. FB
NYGal Smith
I'm really glad the 180 is working. I swear, it seems like there's a script and they are all going off the same playbook with only minor variations.
More soon.

Hi maybs. After reading here I have a couple of things. When my WH made all sorts of noise about D while we were separated 18 months ago, he said and did all sorts of things to hurt me and when I did not budge it said to him that I was not going to follow him down the D path. It was pure temp checking and he settled down after some pretty heavy testing to which I severed communications for a few weeks until rehab. Then I was very supportive. I wouldn't add fuel to her fire by being defensive or reactive. ( I'm just learning this again from the Solo Partner book.
The other thing is my DB coach IS encouraging friendship first. Rebuilding from the original foundation. We can't go from marriage to divorce posturing to happy happy again. In the long run if it goes south then decide if you want to be friends or not. I wouldn't want to close the doors so easily yet I know the temptation is there since it hurts so much. Take care. Colleen

Thanks NYGal I think I found you on FB.

and I 100% agree... this 19 year old thing is a disaster waiting to happen. My IC thinks she's going through some kind of MLC based on the fact her mom abandoned her family when she was a teenager and then just came back one day years later like nothing ever happened and no one talked about it or dealt with it. And then her mom passed away very suddenly so it never really got resolved. Also her recently diagnosed health conditions have probably impacted this as well...

I'm not surprised about the ow. and I do not think that relationship will last at all and quite honestly, sometimes it's hard for me to even take it seriously...I think about it and I just want to start laughing.

Buxom, I'm not against using our friendship to help rebuild our M. What I am against is that my W currently says "when our divorce is over we can still be friends though" and I want to make clear that that is not the path our relationship will go down.

AMEN maybs, I cant tell you how many times I've looked W in the eyes and have told her she will basically NEVER see or hear from me again if D is finalized (hasn't even started but just wanted to make sure we understand each other) SO sick of her "you're my best friend, we will be friends forever" no, no we will NOT.

what's this fbook talk. I want in!

OMG the "we can still be friends" thing is killing me. No matter how many times, in how many ways I say it it's like she just doesn't get it.

But to me that's like ultimate cake eating.... no if you don't want to be with me then you don't get to just keep me around for all the other things that went with our M... I don't know how to make it more clear.

That's why in that email I made it clear that if we go down this path and this is finalized we will be going separate ways and I will be moving forward with my life WITHOUT her. Hopefully she gets it this time.

seriously, then my W gets mad when I dont "listen" psh, SHE doesn't listen either.

I think we all found the FB. I see us all on there, I think, lol
it's so weird...haha but cool

LOL the "you don't listen" thing kills me every time... I am listening! I hear exactly what you're saying, you just don't want to hear what I'm saying!