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Sorry about your sitch Tate. An affair with BIL must be just excruciating. I can't even imagine what you've had to deal with. I think at this point you need to take some action. The A isn't going away and your W and BIL are both party to the destruction of the family. I personally think you should file for D if you can and move on, and also talk to your sister. Sorry man!

This sounds like excuses. How busy are you 'finding a job' at, say, 8 PM on a Tuesday night?

I just noticed that I was replying to a post which was a year old.

That said, I believe GAL is just as important now as it was then. Find some time for yourself, even if it is only once a week.

So a year later your sitch is EXACTLY the same. Read Sandi's post up above from 08-12-16, it applies just as much now as ever. Her comment "I mean is your MR doesn't stand a chance as long as your WW & BIL continue their A" certainly rings true. I understand you felt that the coaches were giving you some direction to leave things alone, but surely they didn't intend for you to just let is slide for an entire year with no action.



It sounds like your sister already suspects something, but I do think you should tell her. You can no doubt find ways to continue getting the cousins together and such. I don't know why you would even want to have "family get-togethers" with an adulterous W and BIL though.



No, you need to tell your sister regardless. If your W wants to recon AFTER she has owned all the damage she has caused then that's one thing, but you can't negotiate a relationship with her out of keeping it a secret.

Tate,

Sorry that your still dealing with this mess. But it's time to divorce your W and move on. Also expect your sister to be pissed off at you for a long time for oholding this secret for so long. So the kids may not see thsir cousins for awhile. But that is the consequences of W and BOL actions.

But your W pretty much is using you for comfort and to maintain her lifestyle, while screwing BOL. Time is up for talk, it's time to remove her from the home and let the consequences commence. As far as having her cutting off communication with BOL. You do so once she has seriously committed got he MR. At this point a second chance isn't option. The year was her time frame.

Don't allow your W again talk into into keeping her secret out of fear. Because she just plans on continuing the A, while married to you. You were worried about the divorce. But failed to be worries about the disrespectful behavior from your W.

This feels like strange advice on a pro-marriage website.

In my opinion, the year is immaterial, because nothing changed between a year ago and today. Tate didnt seem to do anything differently, so expecting W to behave differently doesnt make sense.

Id reread this thread and start over with a beginner's mind. What are your goals? How are you going to get there? Do the plans you have at the moment support you achieving those goals?

Your sister had no clue about this?

I know this sitch is complicated, but both you and your sis are getting cheated on and she has no clue?

I really think you need to have a talk with your sister. I just know if a family member knew this was going on for a year and didn't tell me, I would be super upset.

Thanks for the comments. I really did think things were going better. My 180s were spending more time as a family, planning and executing family trips (races as an example), picking up new hobbies, etc. I believe I have improved myself.

I will talk to my sister at lunch tomorrow, but I think she figured things out on her own.

It is hard to explain just how intertwined our kids and their cousins are. They love going out on the lake together...my BIL is the boat and property owner.

I do believe that my wife will divorce without a second thought. I was not concerned about this until I talked with her last night. The sinking feeling while talking was unbearable...

Tate, I'm so sorry. This is really hard stuff and it can be especially hard & painful when it's so close to home. I also experienced a double betrayal when my H had an A with OW in our small circle of friends--we had family dinners Friday nights, holiday traditions, and trips to the mountains. We frequently watched each others kids and drove them to their activities together for one another. So when the A came out--it blew up everyone's worlds, including our other friends and their kids in the circle. I cannot even imagine if it were family!

I agree with Ginger; she is your sister and you need to talk to her. If I had seen this a year ago, I would have said the same thing. She deserves to know the truth. I also hope that she doesn't feel betrayed that you have not reached out to her in this last year; even if she knows or suspects something, it is still important.

I am unclear as to why you say the cousins can no longer spend time together? Can you and your sister not continue to arrange this? Do you really need the other parents in the mix at all when getting together with them? If anything, I would hope that this is a time you and your sister can be united, support one another, and spend some time together with the kids. This is going to be very tough on everyone, and some normalcy and family support might be a good thing, no? Even if your W and BIL were the planners or boat owner, you can start your own traditions--for you, the kids, and your sister! I would start excluding both of them today.

If you think your W will D you without second thought, then that is telling about her character and I would advise you not to stand in her way. You say yourself you have spent the last year stepping it up, being a good man and father, and it has gone unappreciated. She is also having an A with BIL without any regard for you, your sister, and all these kids! I am sorry but she is proving to be a selfish and shallow character! She may not have been this way when you M her, but she is now. It is time to step back and detach!

We see so many Nice Guys on these boards that allow their W to disrespect them and walk all over them. They think that because the breakdown of the M is their fault (or partially), that they can show their W that they are better and changed or even nice their W back to the M. It doesn't work. Your W is already check out of the M and is pining for OM. Women respect and want strong and confident men, so seeing their H keep trying hard, only shows her his weakness. It is in a sense backwards.

You don't have to put up with her disrespect and if anything, if she sees doormat behavior, she will continue the A and things will get worse. I know you are broken-hearted and I know it hurts. But putting up with her abuse and selfishness, will not bring her back, and it may push her further away. I think it is time to create some strong boundaries, create space and minimize contact with her, consult an L if you need to, and get tough with her! She can say she is done and wants D all day long (they all say that BTW), but don't let her intimidate you or scare you with that. Only show her your strong, confident, and detached self. That is how you start feeling better and that is how you show her that you are no longer sitting and waiting for her.

Blu

Thanks, Blu. It means a lot that you gave such a thorough response.

I can plan get togethers, but we live 4 hours away. My sister will not want my wife around, my BIL would likely not want to hang around me, etc. I guess my wife and BIL could go hang out together. 😂

I am talking to my sister tomorrow. I will let everyone know how it goes.

Sometimes I have I think it would be nice to just divorce my wife and be done with it. Of course, then I think of how aweful that scenario would be for our kids.