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That's one of my big frustrations too along with probably every other LBS. Actively doing nothing for / about my WW is one of the toughest things I have ever done.

Coly, I am sorry you are here! It's so, so devastating!

I agree with the others. And SH gives sound advice and solid support.

So I am going to come at you with some 2*4s now. Why? Because I want to help you. So I am going to tell you what I needed to do, but didn't, and so therefore it took me 10 months to LET HIM GO.

I have been reading here for several years, but only started posting a few months ago. Your story very much reads to me that your H is having an affair, that he is wanting to pursue this other option, but that he may be keeping you as plan B. In the mean time your sitch is complicated because D is his step-D and so you must play a role in their R.

I think you should go Dark. Do a 180 and shock him, no contact, no calls, no texting, and show NO INTEREST in him whatsoever. You are hurting and scared so you are holding onto whatever he might be offering. So think about if this was a friend, and what would you tell her? H just picks up and leaves her and her daughter and selfishly tells her to wait around until he makes up his mind. Uh, no. HECK NO!

You have every right to be hurt and angry! But right now he is not a safe person to share any of your thoughts and feelings with. He doesn't get anything from you right now. No contact, no pursuing, and no family time! NONE. He walked out and so until he can feel that loss, and really feel it over some time, he most likely will not reconsider.

If and when he changes, you will know. Your instincts will be right, just like they are right now about his behavior. Until then you must let him go, you GAL and be mysterious and become that fabulous woman only a fool would leave. Not to win him back but because you ARE fabulous and you deserve a man that appreciates you! If he notices, if he starts temp checking, or whatever, you simply continue on your path. Until he is ready to do his own 180, then do not go for those crumbs. Simply say "you have given me a lot to think about and I have some choices to make too." End conversation. Exit. Do not go for the crumbs! He needs to FEEL the loss.

In terms of your D, well she is the victim here. But it is up to him to work on an R with him. I would say let him talk to her and see her as much as they both want. But not as family time. And you do not initiate ANY of the planning. When he does see her, you make other, fun plans, and exit as fast as you can. No time for this guy who bailed on you, my siree.

He may notice right away, or he may not, but over time he will realize what a fool he is! So just pretend right now that he is the nerd in HS that drooled over you every day and did all your HW. Nice kid. No reason to be rude or ignore. But really not worth much energy at all. The nerd des rued you but knew he couldn't have you; this is where H needs to fall now. When he leaves you can cry in your pillow or phone a friend.

Starting right now, you will fake it until yiu make it! And let yourself enjoy some times supportive people and also give your poor mind a rest from this.

You got this.

Blu

Oh my gosh, thank you RSG, AndrewP and Bluewave, you are all giving me sonething to think about!

In my heart I know family day is letting him have his cake and I did try this weekend when H asked to see me and D together by saying I was busy. That's the first time I have done that and I had real mixed emotions as you can see from my previous posts.

Bluewave, if he is having some sort of affair I think it will only come out a few months down the line and I think it will be an EA, definitely night PA at the moment. Although that doesn't make it any better. H is a very controlled sort of person so everything will have been planned if this is the case. I have asked him quite a few times if he is having an affair and the last time I said to him to just say yes or no. If it is 'yes' then I can deal with it. If it is 'no' then I won't ask again. He came back with: "it's no and you just need to give me some space!" None of his friends think he is having an affair as he is just too lazy!

It was me who suggested that for now we do family evening until we are comfortable with each other again so I am not sure if this is what he is doing. It's my fault really, I seem to want to plan everything and then go back on it so he probably sees me as being very inconsistent!!

Myself and D are going on holiday in a week so I think I will knock family night in the head when I get back and let them both sort out seeing each other. It is difficult as D has been let down so badly by her birth father as he hasn't seen her since she was seven so I am always trying to make sure her relationship with H doesn't go the same way.

Thank you all for talking me down from the ceiling!

Okay a couple more points.

I know all too well wanting to protect your child from the hurtful actions of another parent. H is his own person and if he is going to have any meaningful R with your D, then it has to come from him. In fact it is perfectly normal for her to have her own hurt and anger towards him now as well. Those feelings need to be acknowledged and honored. Do not worry abut their longer term R, that will sort out over time.

I made the mistake of not honoring one of my Ds feelings of anger towards H and I tried to protect that R. I kept telling her how much he loved her and this had nothing to do with her. I was overlooking HER natural feelings and she was angry and did not want to be around him! It backfired and she ended up more wounded. She also started to resent me.

Your D is 15, and he can initiate and arrange their time together. It is up to her right now to accept or reject the time they spend together. If she does not want to see him, it's ok. He is hurting her too. That does not mean it's over between them. You are anxious, understandable, but protect her feelings right now.

And just to share with you, my sitch and my teen D was burned by her bio dad too. Then H burned her. Very similar ages too. So I know first hand the fear of wanting to protect. Unfortunately you cannot protect their R--you can support it--but you CAN protect HER.

Cut him off. Go dark. If there is anymore family time, make other plans right now, and get out of there! You must do this to 1. give their natural R a chance outside of the M with you, 2. to protect your emotions from someone that is not safe for you, and 3. to start sending a loud message that you are moving on without him. You must value yourself and show your worth. We teach others how to treat us.

In terms of him having an affair and what his friends think. That is all mind reading. Mind reading never works! Actions speak louder than words and his actions indicate he has moved on to some other option and is deep in the fog. It's very hard to believe--I was shocked and in denial for a loonnnggg time---my H was the Nicest Guy! When H is in a fog, he is capable of more than can ever imagine. Protect your heart, protect your D, and assume the worst.

I know this hurts and I am sorry. It may get much worse before it gets better, but everything will work out eventually. Either he does a 180 and proves without a doubt he deserves another chance, or, you do not want thus man in your life.

Blu

Thanks Blu. I have felt so responsible for their relationship and even got mad at my daughter when she didn't want to see him I feel so guilty now. He really has zero respect for us at the moment and I feel so annoyed with myself that I have waisted three months trying to make everything nice for him to encourage him to come back and instead he has just ignored my feelings completely and bulldozed down his chosen path.

I did feel better this morning after my melt down last night but as the day went on I found myself getting sadder and sadder. I just need to stop wondering why he has done this to me, to us, because none of it makes sense and I may never know. It's just waisted energy..

My D must be really fed up if me crying all the time, I need to stop, at least doing it in front of her!

I cry w/ you. Let's just get through today. Let's hope for a better tomorrow.

Thanks Gump. Just so sick of feeling sad. Like you say, we just need to get through today, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other....

Journaling: feeling very low today. First day of my vacation and it's without H for the first time in 8 years. Myself and D will be going away for the week on Sunday with my sister and her family. I have mixed feelings. Every time I feel a little excited I suddenly stop and remember. I hate this feeling I just want it to go away.

My mind keeps working overtime still especially the fact that he has moved on so quickly. It's not even 12 weeks. He could have rented a furnished apartment but instead he has got one that is unfurnished so he has had to buy everything from scratch. I feel so sick thinking that he is building his life without me already, like never existed. He keeps telling me he needs to be on his own and that he can't do that in someone's spare room but this just feels so permanent. What's the point of all this. He's made his mind up and he doesn't want me.

I haven't contacted him for a few days and have let my D arrange to see him tomorrow. I intend to go out because I don't think I can trust myself not to get upset...

Coly23,

I'm sorry you're having a tough day. We all go through that stuff and it's awful.

A couple months ago I was really feeling my anger toward the OM. I was home alone and I was throwing punches at the imaginary OM in my kitchen. I wasn't being as careful as I should've been and I accidentally punched a tile on the side of the countertop. I broke the tile as well as the pinky finger on my right hand. The OM broke my finger and he wasn't even there.

After that I decided I needed to get out of the house for a while so that the OM couldn't do any more damage.

I hope you can get out and about and start feeling better today.

Thank you Doodler. You've given me an idea! H has got a punch bag in the garage which I might get out and have a go at to get some of my emotions out! I'm only 5' 1 and teeny weeny since my H left so I'm probably going to look ridiculous punching that bag!!!

I did a few bits and pieces today but I'm not doing very well with my GAL activities. I seem to have done a 180 on myself! Whereas before I was learning to play the guitar and going to the gym three times a week I now can't face any of it. When it first happend I tried to keep myself busy and carried on going to the gym but my anxiety was so high I thought I would have a heart attack whilst on the treadmill!

I just don't want to go through this anymore. It's just all too painful to know he is carrying on without me. I so desperately want to contact him and say ' I'm still here, remember me I am still your wife!!' I have been so close to doing it so many times today but I kept telling myself that if he really wanted to reach out to me he would have by now! However it hasn't been really a long time since I have gone totally dark so maybe I need to give it some time....