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So, just a question about going dim. I have been doing this for nearly two weeks now and at one point I had zero contact with H for a full five day stretch. He has not initiated any contact at all except to invite me and D to lunch on Sunday after D texted him first and also his comment yesterday about saying he was going to text me regarding the sad death of friend after I texted him. Nothing from him to ask how I am etc. which is one of my goals.

I know should be doing this for myself and to be honest it is working in a way as it means I am not waiting for his response to text/email and getting disappointed when he doesn't respond for a long time. DR says that if it doesn't look like you are getting results you should try something else. Am I at that stsge now or should I keep going, say until after my holiday which is in a week's time..?

Coly, I see many LBS mix up and mis apply DB principles because they mix all of it together.

If I understand your sitch correctly you S has separated from you.
You are in a LRT stage which differs as far as goal setting and doing things differently if it does not work.

Goal setting when in the LRT really can only be goals for you and your actions. You can not have any expectations of your h.

Doing things differently if they are not working is sound advice in life, but you must be clear on what exactly you deem as not working.
You sound as if your going " dim" should have some results from your h. Those are expectations on him that you can not have at this point.
Read sandis rules if that helps keep it more simple for better understanding.
It would benefit you most at this point to stay focused on you and your path to healing and becoming the person only a fool would leave.
He has to decide to come join you on that path. Read and re read the section about the LRT.
That is where you will glean the information you seek.

I also want to encourage that you read the homework cadet provided about detachment.
There is much pursueing and attempted mind reading on your part throughout your thread.
DBing is counterintuitive so it is important that you study and practice so that it gets easier. It is your best chance.

Thank you SH, I have read and re-read Cadets's homework and Sandi's rules and read the DR book twice and you are right I am still sooo confused!

I am trying not to pursue as I have stopped texting him to ask how his day is etc. and yes I agree i do a lot of mind reading and filling in the gaps! I declined his invitation to go to lunch with my D this Sunday because again I was filling in the gaps and wondered if he only invited me because he felt obliged to. When I first suggested for him to come over one evening a week to spend with D I am ashamed to admit I did it for myself as well as for D as she said that seeing him at the weekend was eating into her social life. D loves this arrangement and I think H does to as he comes over with a bottle of wine every time and we take it in turns to provide the food.

As we didn't arrange for him to see us during the week this week he suggested either coming over in Saturday or to take both me and D to lunch but as it is the weekend I would have thought he would have just invited my D. I declined his invitation after much anxiety because I didn't want him to feel I was always available however I can't help but think this could be a very tiny step for him?

The reason why I think this is when we had a bit of an argument a few weeks ago when me and D had a melt down about him renting another place he said he couldn't understand because he thought things were going well with him coming over and then we went crazy again! Again he said he just needs some space which I thought I was giving him. I'm so confused I don't really know what the next step is... Should I knock family evening on the head even though he likes coming over? Some of my friends say he is cake eating....

Have you worked with a DB coach?

No not spoke to a DB coach as yet. I am still mulling this over only because of the cost. Since H left I have taken on the mortgage and all the bills as I didn't want to sell the house so my expenses have increased significantly.

I know it will help me immensely but I'm not sure I can really afford it....

Just had a lovely day with my D at a local chilli fiesta! I was going to go on my own but she dumped H to come with me instead. Really lovely weather and fantastic food. Starting to feel low again, I just don't know how to get myself out of this pit. Everyday it seems to get harder rather than easier. There is just such a huge hole in my life that I am really trying to fill bu if just doesn't seem to be working...

I hear you. I'm not trying to fill the hole because I still have hope that W will come back and to be frank that hole scares me. I've put a fence around it but still fall down the well regularly with no Lassie to go get help <sad smile>. I'm glad that you had D15 with you yesterday.

Thanks AndrewP, that makes perfect sense to me. I so desperately want to reconcile with my H also and although he has made some indication that he might too, he makes no effort whatsoever. I feel like I am in limbo waiting for him to make the first move. He says he doesn't want us to put any timelines on it but I don't know what that means if he isn't actually doing anything. I understand that you can't put a deadline on falling back in love but surely you need to actively do something!!

The fence around the hole sounds like a good idea....

If I were you, I'd cut down on H coming over for family time. Maybe if your girl likes it, I'd say once a month? One of the vets could help you there. But, I'd try to cut it out. Why? Because your family is a H, W and child. Right now, that's not a reality. And even though you want it to be, a weekly dinner would just be crumbs.

You don't want a friend. You want a H, and a Daddy that's there for your child 24/7. One thing I've finally understood is tough love. "This will hurt me more than it does you." You're a parent, you know that phrase lol. He might get angry, he might get confused. That, in truth, is good. Do you get angry about something you don't care about?
That was something I thought was weird at first, but when it was explained to me I saw how it was a positive....