Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...

Hi everyone. Yes, SH, we do need to chat, and soon.

Painter, I think you and I are two trains running on generally parallel tracks. Up, down, round the curves, it's been one crazy ride. My brain is just telling me that it's fried snd tired. I also forget to pick up items on my shopping list, and lose things while I'm still using them, and it's incredibly frustrating. I'm also back to feeling triggers lurking all over the place again, and that svcks.

Sotto, by all means ask away! My hard-to-classify R with L-friend is a strange one, by any estimation, and yes, it is more that just friendship at this point, though I find the 'benefits' term a bit gross. I think we both think of it more as two people offering each other comfort. For myself, I see no long term possibilities with him. For starters, he is much older than I am, and our personalities can clash like crazy sometimes. He is a city mouse, and I do better in a rural setting. I strongly agree that it is early days for such a thing, but there's yet another bell I can't unring. We're working to be sure we have shared expectations about all of this.

In other news, R-friend sent me a Dear John-type email today telling me that she needed to take a few months away from me so I can heal. (Now there's a euphemism). She's upset about that email I didn't get and respond to, and because I gave too short a notice that I wouldn't be able to skate because I barely slept the night before due to toothache pain. Very strange, but I don't want anyone around me who isn't here voluntarily, so that's totally fine. She can be difficult, so I'm not mourning overmuch.

I have found myself struggling to be my usual giving and forgiving person lately. Just tonight, in fact, I tangled with L-friend over musical choice while I'm driving. Call me strange, but after trying to accommodate his tastes, I gave up. As far as I'm concerned, he is a guest in MY car, and as long as I am doing the driving, buying the fuel, and owning the vehicle, then I shouldn't be hearing about how a song I like is junk. That just kind of pushed me over the threshold. I was pretty mad there for s bit, but now I'm fine again Sometimes I just want to toss a bottle of STFU potion in his general direction because it's like he has no social filter sometimes.

Ok, falling asleep again. Good night!

Tomorrow Phoebe.
You will be the only one I chat with tomorrow.
So much to catch up on.

Be well and sleep peacefully.

My Dear sweet Phoebe. You are a wonderful person. Remember that.

(((((((((Phoebe)))))))))

Well, I posted this morning, but it looks like my post never made it to my thread. I probably forgot to hit the submit button, or something else along those lines, or maybe I even walked away without even finishing that post. No idea what I did exactly.

I am still very scattered and that's been for at least the last 4 weeks, or so. (Before L-friend status change, so that doesn't explain my newly increasing lapses.) My latest trick is to leave the headlight on in my car. That was something I might do once per decade, or so, but last Thursday I had a dead battery because I forgot the lights, and three times in the last couple days I have come back to my car to see head or tail lights nicely lit. Ugh.

Why can't I remember the simplest things these days?!?!?!?!

I had a really nice afternoon and evening with L-friend, biking, doing some work at his place, having dinner. I' staying up way too late these days. It's 4 am and I red to be asleep. Luckily it's creeping up on me.

More later. Sleep well, everyone.

And thank you, SH. That is such a nice thing to say.

I'm exhausted, but I will head over to your 'place' tomorrow and see what you've been up to.

Phoebe

I call this blonde moments, it's kinder to a crone like V than altzeimers.

It is the affect of the adrenalin you have been living on for the last few months. It affects short term memory.

So it's perfectly ok.

I am in live with your chickens already, especially the bald ones. Greengrass had Wonky Lambie. You remind me so much of Greengrass and her can do.

Yes I see many similarities between your sitch and mine. I think my XWH (now referred to as the Giggalo) had 7 OW. Some of whom he never PA with. This isn't MLC foR which there is no DSM defintion, it's just bad behaviour selfishness and entitlement. Lack of personal boundaries.

I got my INTEL from ipads and FB, plus personal observation. Be careful to back your observation with fact. A statement from dumper OW may help you. I have a statement from one of ex WH OW. I call her cf (casual friend) and the lies he told will make your hair curl.

Doing well Phoebe.

V

Phoebe, ugh I took a bit a time in my thread last night and it got late.

I did not forget. Thank you for your support and reply.
Your thoughts are a part of the topic I wish to discuss with you.

Well that sounds daunting when I read how I stated that. Kind of like your in trouble or something. Ummmm..... Well your not really, but we have some stuff we can work on together.

Have a good day and today is our day to catch up in more than just short how do ya do's

I look forward to it SH. I'll check back in tonight. Back to my regularly over-scheduled day...

Phoebe, how was your day today? Mine improved greatly. It really helped to get out and work for a few hours, and also to know that I have dinner plans for tomorrow. Thinking about something else than myself (and WH).

Do you have any plans to do something professionally? Even volunteer at a shelter or similar a few hours a week? I think it normalizes our lives and the forced social encounters with people who don't know our story can be very beneficial. And it really did something to my feelings of self - boosted my confidence and made me feel competent again. I didn't realize I had lost so much confidence.

Can you believe it's already August? This summer has gone by so quickly. So much has happened in such a short span of time. It feels like very long ago and just yesterday all at once. Phew...

Good evening Phoebe!!
Hope you have had a wonderful day.
I have gone back and forth on sharing my thoughts with you as obviously I am in my own struggles and what have you. Also your posts around this topic have been somewhat close to the vest and not as detailed as many other things that you share.

So, I share this simply from my point of view. My point of view is based on my belief system, the things that I have learned and the things that I am actively researching and studying to be a better person and more equipped on my part to do my part in a healthy relationship. So please take this for what it is. My observations based on what you share and some thoughts on things that I am learning and working to apply for myself.
Clear as mud? Right!?!?

So, you have shared about your introverted tendencies, your challenges with forming friendships with women and your concerns about being out of practice in the realm of meeting folks and creating social connections. Am I on the right track here?

You were encouraged to get out and do all of these things as part of GAL and simply helping in the overall emotional well being that social contact does for oneself.

You did this. You did this. You did it like a boss and went to meet ups and social events like there was no tomorrow. You matched up many events with things you enjoyed and you attended things outside of your comfort zone. You really took action and even overbooked it on many a times.

You shared the challenges of some of the events as you did not make connections each and overtime and some of the events were simply uncomfortable. You even made a friend. One that is actually a funny story when you tell it down the road as signals may have crossed, but you handled it well and struck up a friendship to attend activities together.

You also made a friend through a series of events related to needing legal advice.

And here you are with an L-friend and R-friend. A female friend and a male friend.

Now here is where I intend to be sensitive to your friendships, and I would like to share an outside perspective and some food for thought.
Before I do I want to say this.
If I am completely off base, please tell me so and that is that. If the feedback is to sensitive in nature and you choose not to respond, I will not be offended. I share simply as an outside observer with the information you share and with a filter of how I perceive it.

So here goes.

You seem to have backed off on seeking additional friendships and your social circle sounds to be limited to your R-friend which seems to be an awkward relationship, and your L-friend which seems to have blurred some boundaries in spite of your insistence that it is not going past just friends.

Some questions to ponder.
Is the R-friend attracted to you in spite of knowing that it will not go anywhere? What is the goal in the relationship for both of you? She seems short and annoyed often with you or you with her? Is it a friendship that can grow long term or is it meeting a short-term need for one or both of you?
Is your L friend attracted to you in spite of knowing that it will not go anywhere? What is the goal in the relationship for both of you? You have been vague, but not completely denied a physical aspect of this friendship past a friendly hug? Is it a friendship that can grow long term or is it meeting a short-term need for one or both of you?

My thoughts are it may be time to stop and spend some alone time to really unwind your own feelings for these friendships and what long term need they can or will meet for you.
I also would encourage that you continue to work to expand your circle of friends. The more the merrier. I know of the effort and energy it takes for people like you and me to connect with one friend. And I speak for myself, but throw it out for you to think about, when I find one friend I have a tendency to latch on and hold onto it and it is not healthy and tends to end in a bad way.
You are burning the candle staying busy, but is it focused on the true need of meaningful social contact and relationships? Maybe some of your annoyances are coming from this. Burnt out on activity and limited to 2 friends that do not meet our real needs at this time.

Phoebe, my dear friend. You have gone from one extreme of feeling overly isolated and alone, to another extreme of busier than hell and strained friendships with 2 people that you have known for a very short time.
I ask this next question because I have identified in my self that I am keeping busy with some things and may be doing so to hide from what I know I still have to face. So the question may be tainted in my view, but is it possible that you have become so busy, because it helps avoid what must be faced?

Just food for thought.
You are a wonderful person. Even though we met in this virtual community I feel a social connection to you because we have share inner demons, struggles and challenging things we have faced. You have been there to talk me off of the ledge. You have been kind, yet honest and supportive without judging. It's weird to think, but a person that if she walked past me right now, I would never even know it has had an instrumental part in helping me from the darkest depths of hell that I have ever faced in my life. But there you are across the country sitting on what I believe to be a very beautiful land with all of the glory of Mother Nature all around. And for this I am ever grateful to God for placing you in my path while I trek this journey.
Please take my thoughts for what they are and if they can help you, so be it. If not, just keep on keeping on because you are a smart capable woman and you will get it done as it needs to be for your journey.


Thank you for the pep talk yesterday as you are spot on about acknowledging my anger or frustration or annoyance or whatever it is and then filtering it in a manner that does not place my loved ones in the line of fire. I want to push my abilities to a point that I can do that in a manner of seconds and move on.
I am trying to get back to some basics that saved me from long-term depression, and emotional turmoil. And the anger that boils. I read Vanillas bit on anger regularly to practice and apply.
Other basics like meditating, praying, reading, facing my inner demons so I can exercise them and truly heal. I am going to face my fears inside. It is a simple thing I must do. Not an easy one, but if I don't do it now. I will slip right back into old habits and that is not something I am okay with.

I hope that you can slow down and take a similar approach. I believe we can benefit form it.
I better sign off now as it is late and I gotta get some shuteye.

Sleep well my dear Phoebe. May you feel peace and calm this night.

PS, I am guessing your GAL has kept you from catching up on the Ted Talks, so I am gonna throw this one at you anyway.
Please take the 20 minutes and watch it right now, or at the very least before you respond.
Ted Talk to check out.
The person you really need to marry by Tracy McMillan

It is a must for all of us. But it may add to what I speak of when we may need to stop and look with in before we launch off again and form relationships with others.