Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 2)

Just a brief, not too-exciting update:

Had been expecting the distancing/pull back since Tuesday AM's amore, and was, frankly, a little surprised not to get it sooner. But it arrived this AM. A much milder version than most previously observed behavior, for whatever that's worth. Just some looking off into space with look on face like "I'm thinking really deep, painful thoughts", avoiding me, sleeping way on outside edge of her side of the bed. I find myself not too distraught by it, though, which is big for me. It was something I expected, it eventually came, I've now observed it, and, at least so far, haven't had any sort of interior collapse.

I'm taking my kids to a Lake in the mountains about 2.5 hours from here Friday, coming back Sunday. Total 180 for me to plan the entire thing, down to booking a place, grocery shopping and packing. Wife is invited but, as of right now, not sure she'll be able to go due, she says, to workload and not knowing if she'll be able to get all of her work done. I've decided to be fine if she comes and fine if she doesn't. We'll see if I can stick to that if she begs off.

Good job on planning the wknd trip. Time alone, time w/o you around, is probably good for W.

My W actually recognizes it and asks for it. She has mixed feelings about not seeing the kids for a whole day. No mixed feelings about not seeing me though.

The trip to the Lake was good. W ended up coming up later Friday evening because she needed to finish up at work. It was frankly a little surreal. The vibe was very much like we were all just one happy family taking a cool weekend trip to somewhere new. The kids had a blast, we had good food, parents drank a little too much, it was quiet and very beautiful where we were. There was no cell phone service there, and I really, really enjoyed that, both for my own sake (usually get dozens of work-related e-mails over the weekend) and just because it's nice not looking at my wife texting with her various girlfriends about who knows what. Just a fun time.

W complimented me several times for organizing the whole thing, handling all the details, etc. Said I looked really good in my bathing suit at one point and could tell I've been working out. Gave me a kiss on the mouth when we got home sort of out of nowhere. Not a hot sort of kiss, but I have a hard time remembering the last time she did that for any reason.

Then, this AM (last night, really), frosty returns. I really get the sense that a lot of what my W is struggling with is her life (work) not being what she wants, and I'm wrapped up in that, have been made in her mind to be the reason for it, etc. So, after this nice trip and weekend away, my thoughts going back to work this AM are not where I'd hoped they'd be. I think it's still very much the case that she's going to do whatever she ends up wanting to do without whatever I do, become, evolve into not mattering much at all.

Detachment, you are an illusive, crafty ghost.

F--- man... sounds like a fantastic weekend, at least relative to the hellhole the rest of us are in. All that positivity from W !!! Gysus.

But you point out something that I experience -- the schizophrenic nature of a slow-boiling D. You don't boil the lobster by slowing turning up the heat. The lobster is dunked between hot and cold water repeatedly til it dies.

Sometimes I just sit back and look at all of us sitting together having a meal or playing a board game or just watching kids do what they do in the livingroom and I feel like I've freaking lost of mind. Wait, what? We're going through a D-I-V-O-R-C-E? Why the F*** FOR??? It's all so good, right here, right now!

Then the kids go to bed, and it's just my W and me, and we're like two ghosts living in different dimensions. W exudes dark dissatisfaction, like I do not belong in her version of the universe. And I walk about the house like a lost ghost, looking to find my own damn universe where a spouse has her head screwed on straight, sees reality for what it is, and loves me and the kids for all that we are.

ForGump -- It is so schizophrenic, so frustrating. So tiring and exhausting.

Who knows how long this faux thing continues? At some point, she'll just decide it's time, and we'll be right where you are now, I think. I think I'm just in a slower unfolding train wreck.

JRuss -- I don't think the schizophrenic vacillation is entirely fake. I think the kiss on the mouth was real. They are just feeling a crazy mix of emotions, and each chunk is real for them.

But I tell you what though ... fake or real ... if my W was treating me with affection half of the time, and we're gettin it on once a week ... I'd say honey lets just keep this going til one of us is six feet under. Let's call it good enough. I'm cool with that.

Yeah, it's that idea that it might not be entirely fake that keeps me not detached, still hoping.

I'd be pretty happy if she were truly conflicted; that would be real progress, especially given that she was looking for her own place at the end of June. My gut tells me it's all just part of the Long Con she's running, though. She sees herself as the star of a much more interesting, exciting existence some time in the future, and only she'll know when it has arrived.

(I'm very much aware that my sitch isn't anything compared to what most are going through here, including you. I struggle with whether to post at all or post updates. I think the worst that can be said of me is that I'm fighting this painful battle inside my mind, wanting someone who doesn't think I'm interesting to change her mind.)

JRuss -- I appreciate all your posts. At the very least it takes my mind off my own troubles!

You might be right that it's all a part of a Long Con for your W. Maybe she's one cold calculating witch, but somehow I doubt that. I would guess the picture is more like ... you know those color blindness test images ... each colored blot is a solid color, but you look at the whole image and it's a number. Well, our wives see a D, we see an M. Or, it's like those vase-vs-face pictures (Google "Figure–ground (perception)" for an example). At any given moment, a brain can only see the outline of a vase or the outline of two faces, but the brain cannot see both simultaneously.

So, when she's just had a good weekend with you and kisses you, she sees an M. When she's looking at the classifieds for an apartment for herself, she's seeing a D. She cannot see both at once.

(Cannot focus on work right now, so I blather away here.)

"I'd be pretty happy if she were truly conflicted; that would be real progress, especially given that she was looking for her own place at the end of June. My gut tells me it's all just part of the Long Con she's running, though"

Jruss, I share your guardedness since you have been hurt and rollercoastering with her to exhaustion. Try not to think defensively as it can show in your attitude or behaviours. She will feel it, not understand it and pull away cos it doesn't feel safe. I'm still learning all this too. Regards, Colleen

JRuss, how you hanging?

Are you seeing an IC, by the way? If so, has it been helpful? What is your IC's overall guidance, and how does it compare to what you're getting here in the forum? Also, what is gender and approximate age range of your IC?

I've tried a few different IC's and found one that I like. She's a woman who is approximately in the same age range as my W, and has similar economic/cultural background (white collar middle-class American). It's hard to know for sure I picked the best one, but she feels helpful so far.