Well folks, I'm back....I'm feeling pretty sh!tty today.
But gee Dave, didn't you get some action last night?
Yes I did but there were many clues again that it was the last thing that my W wanted to do it. We had planned all week to have time together last night. At the end of the Sopranos (an officially sanctioned show), she started asking if we could watch Deadwood. Despite my eyerolls, I sat with her while she watched about 20 minutes of it until she realized she didn't like it. WHY THE HELL IS SHE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER TV PROGRAM?!!!!!! ESPECIALLY DURING OUR ALLOCATED TIME?!!!!
But hold that thought.
Anyway, when I was feeling "jiggety" last week, I made an appointment with a counselor. I decided that I wanted to work on some personal things. If W isn't willing to change, then getting myself in top shape will then force her to look for changes in herself. So today, I went to the C and (of course) the entire discussion was about the M. I'll save all the exhausting details but the C seemed to "get it" quickly. She wants to see both of us next week...it's official, my W and I are officially in therapy.
According to the C, my W is pretty damn guilty of some toxic behaviors. The TV thing is just one of many things that has to change. I think we are in for a bumpy ride.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Wow, AD - good news that you are both going to therapy (I assume she has agreed). I'm curious about this "toxic TV behavior" your therapist mentioned. I'd like to hear more about that, as my H is a huge TV couch potato and I've often felt it contributed to our lack of sex life. Maybe you could start another thread on this topic?
Wow, AD - good news that you are both going to therapy (I assume she has agreed). I'm curious about this "toxic TV behavior" your therapist mentioned. I'd like to hear more about that, as my H is a huge TV couch potato and I've often felt it contributed to our lack of sex life. Maybe you could start another thread on this topic?
Quote: According to the C, my W is pretty damn guilty of some toxic behaviors.
Whoa, Dave... WATCH OUT! Do NOT assume, first of all, that any particular C actually knows what they're doing... they're playing with your life, after all. MAKE SURE that W isn't going to walk into a mine field, and end up feeling attacked and blindsided. Recipe for disaster! It sounds like, on the basis of hearing YOUR side of the story, this C is willing to "blame" your W for everything. Hope it's not like that, but your post sounds that way. I can't imagine anything more vicious. Therapy can be a good tool, BUT it can also lead to irreperable damage. Just be careful, that's all...
Well, I think two weeks is long enough for this thread to languish.
I had an amazing weekend, and "all I did" was read a good book! I feel energized and empowered in a way I haven't felt in a VERY long time. I have a sense of new possibilities! I have hope. Not just for increased frequency, but for increased quality as well. Increased intimacy. I now realize I'm not trying to go from zero to sixty, I'm trying to go from zero to light-speed, and it actully seems possible! There's a spring in my step that has nothing to do with the weather. I'm still reading the book, but it has already changed me forever. Wow!
Good idea Tim. It's freaky to see my old posts up there.
Anyway, I'm kind of in the same mood you are in. It's almost like there's Pre-PM and Post-PM. Anyway, you are actually WAY further in the book than I am. I haven't had any time to read it and I'm going very slow and thinking about each thing carefully as I read it.
When I was in college, I took a philosophy class and studied about 3 different systems of ethics. It was "life-changing" knowledge because I've now been running all my decisions through these systems first before taking action. I'm seeing PM as having equal significance. Instead of learning how to operate in society, I'm learning how to operate in a marriage.
I've really got to get through this and start figuring out how to implement this. I hope my C, who recommended the book is at least familiar enough to coach us. While I definitely see myself as deriving my validation from other people (work, spouse, etc). Actually, this is so rooted into my core, that it's going to take some time to fix this. It even explains the timing of my "fusing" with my W. Here's how I think it all went down when it did....
1. Fall, job changed. I went from team lead on a project where I was considered #1 in ability and talent to being a member of a new team, underneath guys way more talented than myself. But this didn't hurt me too much because of something else going on...read on.
2. During the fall, I was finishing up a racing series where I was in contention for a top-5 series finish, at the end of the series, I had 2 months to "bask" in the knowledge that I would be taking the stage to receive an award and was still maintaining close contact with my racing buddies. In late Jan, we went to the awards banquet, I received my awards and closed the book on a year long effort.
3. Work forced me to travel to DC many times. I was unable to ride and train for the new season and I was spending more time with people who were getting all the positive attention at work...I felt like an out-of-shape wallflower.
All the things that validated me as an individual were gone. The racing and my job. I was no longer seen as "great" at anything. Trust me, attaching your self-esteem to achievement can propel you in business and sports, but turning the focus onto a spouse with completely freak them out as I've now discovered. Understanding this is helping me deal with it.
So how am I feeling today? Sore. I went on a training ride yesterday with a couple racer buddies and they killed me...my legs are toast. I'm going to race next weekend and will just need to accept the fact that I might not do as well as I used to. This will be an exercise in "enjoying something for what it is...not what it makes me".
Now it get Schnarch's point about preventing a spouse from being able to grow when you derive validation from them. They are terrified of the power they wield and purposely avoid changing themselves out of fear that you will not be able to handle it....I think that's how it goes. I'm just rambling.
I'm looking forward to our C session. It seems like the only time we can talk about stuff.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
