Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers good direction or backsliding?

So it's good to let your flooding subside before you send any kind of text or email.

Some things once done can never be undone.

Wonka is brilliant at these texts etc.

Hold fire, let things marinade a while. Sometimes doing nothing is important.

V

Thank you V

I have watched that movie. Will have to watch it again.

Love is a choice of behavior. - I like that, I always tell myself Love is a choice. never thought of behavior, which helps me see how and why I am here, sliding backward with my W.

C,

I am so sorry that you are struggling especially after reading W's email/text. You need to realize and understand that all WASes do speak in the absolutes because it's where their POV is at this moment. It's script and par for the course in the early stages of an A.

Yes, it is possible to get back from an A and reconcile. It is a very long and hard slog. I tell all newbies to stick with DBing for at least a year before one sees any movement. In the early stages of DBing, I heard NOT one single peep from Ms. Wonka for FOUR solid months. No smoke signals either!!!

Radio silence can be really rough for newbies.

It is essential that you CEASE...STOP all R talk with W for it just makes her dig in her heels all the much more harder. It's useless when they are all in the flush of an A. Don't pay heed to what W says for it is all negative because, how else, how could she justify leaving a wonderful woman like you?!! Right...then demonizing you is full on force here!

Since you are a newbie and we all ask that newbies post their responses, not because they can't do it, but rather as a learning process on how to compose emails/texts effectively in the DB way. The first few times, I will show you the way then you will compose your own drafts with support from us.

The main thing when composing texts/emails is: KISS. Keep It Short and Simple. Leave emotion out of it.

In response W's email/text:

"To start, I think you need to realize that at this time, our marriage is done in my eyes. I am not interested in repairing or fixing this marriage. I have been really focusing on me and SD, and I feel like I am a better person without you. I know that may really hurt to hear, I'm sorry, but I think that you need to start moving on."


Suggested response (you may change to suit your style):

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It cannot be easy for you at all. It is only right that we focus on SD for she's a great girl. You are a terrific mom. Take care...C

See? You don't argue with her POV nor agree to it. Just acknowledging it and looking past the absolutes/negatives.

Hang in there...chin up. We've got your back here, sweetie.

wow that response even made ME feel good!
Thank you so much Wonka!

I felt pretty down yesterday, that she's finally telling me to move on, like i said it's always been "idk" or "i'm not sure" that seemed so definitive, it's the first time those words came out of her mouth and I hated every one of them.

I have certainly stopped all R talk, W is usually the one to bring it up "I'm not ready to work on the M yet" - 7.31.16 at night. then that lovely email to contradict everything -8.1.16.

W texted me about bills this morning, we have joint cell phones with some of my family, W handles everyone paying up. I kept it short and simple with my responses.
Will continue to dim out, I can tell by her text style W is upset or mad. Don't want to get in her path!

Having a decent day so far.
Thank you everyone!!!!!

Even after divorce is final? Keep waiting? Or move on w/ your own life, e.g., dating new people.

Brilliant !!!

The technique is LRT at a good point it moves you forward.

You can stand for your R as long as you want to.

V

Just had my first phone coaching session.

I feel pretty good!

W started new clinicals today, hope she calls to tell me about them. but If not, then she doesn't and it'll be ok.

planning on getting a lot of work done today. need to take advantage of good days!

Glad your phone coaching session was good and that you are having a good day so far!! Hope it continues!

journaling- nothing new, W never called to tell me about her day...guess she found someone new to tell it to.

met with a friend for drinks. just realized I didn't eat today.
made a doc appointment. kind of losing my ish. going to talk about anti depressants. kind of scared? Idk what it is. but my main emotion is fear, that I do know.

going to the batting cages then dinner with my softball team tomorrow after work. super excited about that.

had an ok day. guess I cant complain, I'm here, I'm healthy, my D is happy and healthy, what more can I ask.