Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My wife walked out 4

I'm going to ignore the FB issue, but I think your first two suggestions are very bad. They are controlling, and they mix your marital issues and your co-parenting issues in a way that seems unhealthy and counterproductive.

She seems to really be struggling with being away from your son. The separation is still pretty new. My guess is that things will settle down over time.

For now, if you don't want to give updates, tell her that, and then don't. That's a firm, non-controlling boundary. It seems a little harsh, but I'm not an expert on wandering spouses.

Cnut, I guess one reason these came to mind is I'm getting tired of her getting on her high horse and saying "I won't be cruel" or "Why can't you update me on S like I do?" Sorry, but you've BEEN and CONTINUE to be cruel and I'm not being your H w/o getting a W in return.

I don't update because A) she draws me into unrelated chats that I don't think are beneficial to me, especially in going dim. B) As stated above, this is something her H did. If she puts away the $hit, I'm willing to start doing things her H did.

I guess I'll just leave FB as it is. I believe equal access is important, but she wants to be secretive. I don't like that she can see pictures of S I post, but then again I think she's being childish by restricting me and I don't want to be that way.

I haven't discussed any of this with her, except FB but that was 3+ weeks ago.

Rose, she's struggling with being away from both of us. S for sure, but she'll use him as a way to start talking to me about things only pertaining to me. What's your appointment? (She knows it's counseling, just wants me to say it) How are you doing? (I just say fine, and when she presses I say I'm doing well and leave it at that) Why didn't you say anything about the pics I sent, are you busy? And so on.

I think I'm starting on week 11 of this. I want to bring up some of this stuff with my therapist T, but the longer this goes on the less I miss her. Sure, I hear a Britney Spears song, a preview to a new horror movie, a dress in a style she likes and on and on and my first instinct is to say something but it dies off immediately. I'm enjoying my time with my boy, and find that I can be a single Dad just fine. I can take care of and address issues without having to involve her, but she can't. She needs me to hold her hand, allay her worries and help her with every decision no matter how minor. She needs my emotional support, and extends it to her stresses at work, money (she figured out she can barely afford a 1 BR apt) and general life issues. Sorry, but if you want my emotional support we can work on our M. I'm not your friend, and won't be....

RSG

Read your post here.
Where is your focus?
Your signature says,

Your recent postings and justifications for your behaviors suggest differently.

My dear DB brother, I know it's difficult, but I hope that you can slow down, heed the good advice and look inwards to yourself and change some of your actions and focuses before you create bad habits that will be even more difficult to heal and progress from.

RSG,

SH is dead on.

When I read your response I learned a lot about your W, I learned:
- she likes to see pics of S on FB, so your not going to block her
- I learned she asked about appointment because she wanted to hear you say counseling (btw, how do u know that she wanted to hear it)
- I heard she's struggling not being around u and S (how do u know that)

What I was hoping to hear is
- You do or don't want to think how she may react to things I post on FB before You post anything (I unfriended my W and her family and friends because I didn't want to see her posts, I don't consider what she will or won't think when I post now)
- You told her tha appt was for counseling or that it didn't matter what the appt was for because you though it was important/ unimportant for her to know
- and that you are providing less information or updates because she walked away from your family and is currently not apart of it, so

I don't think she needs to know what my appointment is, because she's not my W. Nobody knows I'm in counseling except my parents. And, yes, the overriding reason I'm not telling her about the minute details of S day is because she quit the family.

As for Facebook, if I felt as you say I'd hold back on posting pics of S. But I don't. I post, like and comment on whatever I want. If she wants to peek into my life she can, I have nothing to hide. I find the idea of blocking, or restriction, childish and petty.

RSG,

I know how hard this is with a young child. But you CANNOT use your child as a pawn to control her personal life. You cannot bribe her with access to updates on your child with no contact with OM.

You guys are currently separated. So she is only going to allow you access into her personal life as she sees fit. Same for, my friend. Which is why if you want these texts to go away, you need to do it right.

I do not think you should stop updating her periodically. You should update on the level of a coparent, which is so early on and not easy to establish exactly what that is now. But you can't go on the premise, I'll only do it if you act like my wife. You can't control her. So control you. Explain to her you trying to move forward and the constant texts/updates are not beneficial right now. explain that you are not cutting off contact from S, that you will update her after he's asleep and if there is anything she needs to know. Just tell her what you need that doesn't imply controlling her. It's what you need to do for YOU. Not to bring her back.

I know this is tough. It's a learning process. Just remember, boundaries are there for you. And are very healthy. Not to get anyone to do what you want them to do.

I am so thankful Fb just came out the year my ex left. Took us a while to get one and we never became friends. I have unfriended ex's. Not to be mean, childish, or petty, but it became so difficult for me to see into their personal lives in their new R's. She may do it not to punish you, but to protect her own feelings.

RSG, I think you need a little perspective. Your WW, at this point, is nothing other than your baby sitter (except for important child care issues of course). That is all and that is how you need to view her. So, with that point of view, how would you communicate with your babysitter? And how much would you want your babysitter bothering you with texts, calls, etc.? How much access to anything in your life would you grant to your babysitter?

What??

She's not the babysitter. She's the boy's mother.

So much of this makes so little sense, and is so contradictory.

I get told: Don't care about her feelings do it for you! I do it for me. Care about her feelings!

Don't answer calls, instigate contact and keep any texts to short answers. I do. I still get scolded. I just ignore them until I feel like responding. Scolded more.

I've told her I'll update after he goes to bed. I get scolded.

Don't tell them what you're doing, and don't ask what they're doing. I do that. I get scolded for not telling her what I'm doing.

I'm fine with who I am, as a man and as a Daddy. I'd like to do the right thing, and rebuild our marriage and save the family. But if it's divorce, I'll deal with that just fine.

RSG,

I feel your frustration, it is hard to make sense of it all. Overall you seem to be doing great, and I think everyone's just trying to give you pointers to fine tune.

The point I was trying to get across was that it seemed like your explanation of why you did what you did had to do with what your W did. Maybe you were just trying to provide us information on what she was doing, but it seemed like you were making your decisions based on what you thought she wanted or thought or did. Make your decisions based on what you want to do.

If you don't want to tell her what an appointment is for, just tell her I don't want to discuss it.

If you don't want her to ask for updates on son throughout day, tell her I don't want you asking about him throughout day, I will tell you if something happens so unless I update you you'll know everything is going fine, and I'll give you a daily update after he goes to bed, so don't text me throughout day.

You don't need to lie, or avoid questions, you can tell her what works for you, and what you will or won't do, what you do or do not want...

She is his mother, so I wouldn't use him as a pawn or punishment, but your his father and you can take care of him without her input.