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JRuss and Gump, couldn't help but put my opinion in on no contact Vs some contact. My life right now is pretty much a living hell and mainly caused by interactions with my W.

So she left and then 6 months later has started a new relationship while we are still married. So after I was slowly putting the pieces back together after she dropped the bomb on me that she was leaving she hits me again 2 weeks ago with the I'm seeing someone else bomb.

Now my point on this is I have been trying very hard since she told me about OM to go NC unless it's about my D2. She is making this very hard for me and it is excruciating to deal with. She rings me almost everyday over trivial things that arnt important send me photos all the time and always try's to come into my house or make me go into hers when I pick up my D2.

For me if she wanted nothing to do with me it would be so much easier it would send clear messages to me it was all over or at least in her mind all over. These constant contacts just cause me confusion and give me hope. Hope can kill a person and I think it is killing me.

I know it's the same old story grass is always greener on he other side but right now I wish she wanted nothing to do with me because everyday now I'm going through the same hell every time my phone rings or gets a message it's like excitement at first followed by the massive low. Im now talking to a IC and trying to bring my life back on track but it is so hard when she is lurking around every corner and not missing a single second of sleep worying about this because I mean nothing to her.

albac, sorry to hear it's been so hellish for you. I know each of our situation is different so I can't presume to feel everything you're feeling but I have felt just very black, very dead, very numb. If it weren't for my kids, I'd be literally running away from the situation at a thousand miles per hour.

The contact the JRuss and I were talking about are physical contact, as in physical intimacy, including sex.

Anyhow, as I wrote in your thread, I think your W is eating emotional cake by holding onto you as a friend. I think for your own sanity you have to go dark, very dark, except in the matters related to your kids. If she calls, don't answer. Let it go to voicemail or let her text you. And then if it doesn't have anything directly to do with your child, DON'T respond. She can get her #$@! friendship and emotional support from someone else. You don't want to be her "best friend" and her "brother" after she fired you as a husband.

Hope you somehow cope. One day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time, and sometimes just 15 minutes at a time.... Hang in there....

ForGump, I would tend to agree with Jruss in that you should move back to the marital bed. If she wants to sleep separate from you then she should move to the couch. I would strongly be against you separating physically as once this happens it is more difficult if there is any chance of reconciliation.

I remember having an R talk with H (mostly me talking him saying nothing) asking him if he needed more time and he said yes. A month later I said he should leave if he really wanted to and he did. I wish I hadn't said that, I wish I had givien him more time. He may have left anyway but I will never know.... I know it's hard living with someone who says they do not want to be with you, I lived it for 6 months but I can say now that it is a thousand times better than being physically separated because the frustration and pain of not being able to see them or speak with them every day worse. Take advantage of your situation and really show her that you can be the husband she needs and you want to be...

Hi Gump, I caught your post on another thread, so I thought I would jump over here and try to answer it.




"Does every WW situation have this problem (of W seeing H as brother-sister)? Or only some?"

Believe it or not, there are some situations where the WW is so full of hatred for the H that she's can't even muster a sisterly feeling. From what I have read, most of them start out with the brother-sister thing, but it can get worse. In the beginning, she does not have a sexual desire for him.....but she still cares for him, the way you would care for a relative. She just doesn't feel sexual attraction.

There are some WW's who continue having sex with the H. Either they have a high sex drive, or they are trying to keep their true feelings hidden.

I think it is more prevalent with WW's b/c of their mindset. She has lost respect for you, therefore, losing attraction and sexual desire.

She doesn't want to be your W, but she wants the benefits of being M to you.

"Do WAS situations also have this problem (W seeing H as brother-sister)? Or is this less common in WAS situations?"

That is really hard to say, b/c the WAW could be leaving an abusive man, a womanizer, a pathological liar, an addict, or something else that caused her desire to change. I see the WAW as being a woman who might have left with justified reasons, but would like to see her H change his ways in order to save the M. In other words, she would be willing to work to save the M, if her H would change. The WW could care less if he changes his ways.

I have several threads on the subject of wayward wives, if you want to read them.

The good news is that feelings can change, therefore, her desire can return....if her H is smart in knowing how to deal with her.

Thanks for reaching out to me.

Thank you for that encouraging note ... I'm trying to do that but ... I don't think it's doing anything. I'm trying to be positive w/o being needy or pursuing in anyway. It feels like she's made up her mind -- and she's really relieved to have made up her mind and she's going to stick to it -- and she's enjoying not having to give to a relationship. She can say/do whatever she wants and be selfish and pursue her own impulses w/o considering what it means to a partner. I can see how that is free-ing to someone who has low impulse control.

I think she needs to decide what she wants out of life, out of a spouse, and I don't think she will fully understand what she wants until she's on her own w/o me.

That is the million dollar question, isn't it.

Thanks for explaining WW vs. WAS and sexual attraction. It helps me think through my own issues. FWIW, I think in my situation... my W is a mix of WW and MLC, with a splash of WAS. I guess I'm not sure what the main difference is between WW and MLC. Can't WW and MLC co-exist?

Not that any of this really changes what I need to do (detach, GAL, go dim, etc.) but ... I guess it helps me feel a little better to understand what the heck is going on, and to have appropriate expectations -- as in... zero expectations.

I think you nailed it buddy. I finally took the time today to read your full posts - i had missed a few pages. (Like you said about being distracted at work by this, me too).

Being on their own...I know this is true, and someone said it above too, if it was not for the kid(s) I think most of us would be out. I know every time I broke up with/or was broken up with in my life I was just like "ok, sorry, see you later" and made no attempt at contact. And each time, with a number of months guess who shows back up.

I mean, Sandi has really done her best to offer the road map for all us aching LBS's and I do believe that road is the best chance of getting to the destination. But are they WAW or WW or MLC and how does one respond and when do you say enough? Thats for us as individuals to decide. You said earlier that this place was painful or something like that. I believe most of us are here when we are at the point of having to use the LRT. The lucky ones find it when they just realize their M is trash and they need to do better. Just such a confusing place to be. You hang onto yourself tight dude. If your WW is MLC, its a long road, but we don't have to ride in the same car with our WW's driving.

More accurately ... I should have said,

She thinks she has realized what she wants out of a spouse and it's not me. I don't think she will truly and fully understand the choice she's made until she's really on her own w/o me. I think her feelings will change. I'm not certain they will change in a way that she'll want me back. I just think they will change in some significant way, because as long as I'm accessible to her, much of her contempt for me as the reason for her dissatisfaction in life will linger.

Gump,in so many ways our sitchs are similar. I am just like you I think my W was a WAW and then found someone that made her happy and went with it.

I think Sandis advice is the best thing for us. We need to show our W's that we are ok and we won't stand for being a friend, and really what is the alternative? I have no doubt that if this doesn't work and I don't get her back I can still be her friend any time in the future for the sake of our D but right now I want to save our relationship. Trust me when I say I know how hard this is and everyday I wake up she is the first thing on my mind and the last thing when I go to sleep.

One day at a time. Stay strong.

albac -- I get the part about showing our W's we are ok (seems part and parcel of GALing and 180s, not talking about the R, etc), but the "won't stand for being a friend" part is hard where she's right there in the house with you, and you're still trying to act the part in front of your children. The very act of showing her you're ok often runs, at least for me, smack into my 180 of acting like I'm not completely devastated, because I'm deliberately trying to act happy, which invites cordiality it seems.

I'm an avid reader of sandi's posts, and I really get what she's saying in terms of reclaiming one's balls being key with WW's, but some of her more aggressive suggestions just don't seem to work where you're living together.

Have you been able to find a way of balancing these two goals?

(I hope this isn't a thread jack but thought it might be useful for ForGump, too, since our sitches differ a bit but are really similar in a lot of ways).