Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

"Conference this week in Las Vegas" caught my eye. A friend of mine is at the Avon conference this week in Vegas.

DonH

Thanks for your post. My W is at a Cyber Security conference in Las Vegas. It has become her obsession for the past 18 months. She is up all night on twitter. She attends conferences (disregards the cost or impact on the family). She started an EA (which I broke up) with someone she met. I get that she was alone etc in our marriage - but her obsession is similar to an affair. She see's it as her mission and her family, etc.

I'd be interested in knowing if there is anyone on the DB Forum who is involved in Cyber Security. I'd like to get that person(s) take on it.

It really does not matter though. My kids and I are on our own path now. So where she goes is her problem.

Wow my radar was totally off on that one. Never had guessed Cyber Security. I know a few in that area but highly doubt they would be of any help to you. Nice enough people but, how can I say this... just not, wow, really struggling - would not want to be trapped on an island with them - how's that?

DonH sorry for the delayed response. I'm on vacay. My boys and I are in the Dominican Republic for a week. I just fell out of a palm tree so my ankle is the size of orange. Let's hope the swelling drops fast.

Yes, My W has worked on the "soft" side of IT. She has been the human contact between the Techies and the "business". Well two years ago she got involved with the Cyber Security crowd - same idea. She is not technical - but is attracted to that crowd. Well it has become her obsession. She did get her dream job now by chasing this community.

She ignores her kids, dumped me (I played my part too). She the Cyber security calls them her family and a few people have done everything they can to help encourage her to leave me, etc - paying for her to go to conferences even though they knew it would cause friction at home, etc.

As I said, I'm building my own path right now (or trying). I'm guessing the old adage - be careful what you wish for you just might get it applies. She has her precious community and her basement apt.

Our eldest thinks we are both nuts (me a little less) and our boys don't ask about her, she sends the odd emails and see's the boys on her days. But, she will happily dump her visit to do something more interesting.

Phew, there it is in a nutshell.

I'll try and catch up on your thread a little later.

Well it's day 4 in paradise. S15, S10 and I are in the Dominican Republic on vacation (3 days to go). For longtime followers this is a cherry on top of my GAL sundae.

I've not had any contact with W in over 2 weeks. Despite this she still runs through my head most of the day.

I'm acting as if I'm going on without her and for all intents and purposes we are. She has not seen S10 in about 3 weeks and S15 all summer (I've seen him twice aside from this week).

I guess the selfish, hard heart is OK with not being with her kids. I'm being very deliberate and not bringing W up in conversation. Funny, the boys don't bring her up either. We made a list of people to bring home souvenirs for - neither of them mentioned W. Not sure if they are being sensitive for my sake or if they just don't think about her? Sad all the way around I guess.

I know the only way to proceed is for her to believe (and me too) that we have gone on without her. I know that will be the secret sauce for healing all the way around.

Nonetheless, I still obsess a little - include having steamy fantasies about us.

I'm looking forward to taking on a few projects, that she used to be in charge of, when I get back i.e. back to school shopping, S15 B'day party, etc. It's important that the boys see that just because W has left, the regular things will continue.

Okay, great.........then let it go and stop obsessing about what she "could" be doing.

Sandi2 I could not agree more. As you may see, I'm quite happy with the changes I've made in me. I'm thrilled with what I've accomplished, I have a massive "To Do" list which is personal, professional and home/family focused.

I'm guessing "letting go" will just happen one day. As I become more and more "happy" with who I am - it will be easier to leave her behind I guess. I know there is not a step by step guide.

Yes, she is still in my head - for now.

Hi bigy,
Just a thought.
"letting go" is not an event that "will just happen one day" it is an action that you must take and practice each day until you arrive to the healthy place.

Obsessing is a choice, not a random event. The thought or memory of her popping into your mind is a random event, but what you choose to do with the thought is 100% in your control.

You are what you think.
There is much good material and knowledge around this.
As a man thinketh.
Great read and insight.

Keep on keeping on my friend.
You can do it.

SH:

Thanks for the post. I was looking at letting go as more of a replacement strategy. Its a process to replace the negative with the positive as I focus my energies on A, B will become less prevalent.

This is indeed an action.


This also is an action.

These actions are in conflict and will delay your goal.

Similar to running 5 miles a day and then eating 5000 calories of sugary unhealthy food will delay progress.

I would say that this is the point sandi (pardon me sandi if I am speaking out of turn and mind reading your point here) and I are attempting to share with you.

You are getting it, and with some fine tuning of healthy behaviors and the focus on discontinuing of the unhealthy ones, you will be on your way and reach the goal in a more prompt time.

You got this. You have great momentum and progress. Keep at it .