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High Five!

Sounds good and encouraging to one like me just started on the separation journey.

I'd continue to recommend pulling back even farther.


Like this feels unnecessary to me. Why start a conversation about this? It isnt like you needed advice at that moment. There was no emergency. You handled it and moved on like an awesome parent. Whats the need to tell her this happened? And if you needed ideas, why not wait until the next time you see her?

Im seeing that right now she is getting everything that she wants. Constant updates on her son (and through him, you) without having to invest anything into your relationship. Im having a hard time seeing why she would ever want to change anything. I can read that youre cutting back some, and thats good! I'd think you would want to take it even further going forward.

Well, things taking a weird turn.
My IC called this AM to say she double booked on Thurs and asks if I can come in tomorrow at 7, so I text W and ask if we can change schedule. She agrees no problem.

4 hours later. "Can you pick him up today I don't feel well. I think I may go to the emergency room." I don't know how to take this, but try to be reasonable. She agreed to modify her schedule, so I am going to keep him tonight and she will pick him up tomorrow keeping him until Thursday night. She says she's going to the Dr tomorrow and I said "Don't fool around with your health, S needs his Mommy." She says "Do your part and don't contribute to my health problems." This is highly offensive, but I say "How did I almost send you to the emergency room? I don't appreciate being spoken to that way."
She says she's joking, and scared. She's never said anything like this before, but I ask if she wants to talk about it and she says no she just needs to reduce stress.

If these are lies, just trying to gauge my interest (or worse), I'll be really pissed off.

RSG, sounds like you handled it appropriately. Very direct and to the point, plus it tells her you won't let her treat you like that.

Hope the IC visit goes well for you today bud. Had mine this AM and am finding that I'm moving from the emotional side of things to the practical side of them. You seem to be well ahead of me, so I can't offer a ton of advice, but keep on grinding man!

I think I did ok. I DO know that a month ago I probably would've said sorry, or at least really asked what's going on and had things escalate. I certainly wouldn't have stood up for myself, so I'm definitely proud of that.

Little update: Last night we traded a couple texts about S getting scratched up at school. Freak out bells going off for some, but school notified us both so there was no way she wasn't going to ask. She then asked "how was bedtime" around 9 and I didn't answer. This AM, she says she's going straight to Dr, asks me to find out the kid who scratched him, when naptime is at preschool AND if she should get giftcards for his teachers at W's camp.

I said naptime is around noon, but you should call to figure out when he gets up. I hope Dr goes well.

She asks what my appointment is today, and adds she hopes Dr goes well too hoping no meds prescribed. She adds she almost went to ER because she had trouble breathing. I just respond to take care of your health for S....

Ugh. I've learned a few things though.
1) If I can be a little patient, she'll offer me the info I get a little ancy about in the moment.
2) Her choices are really affecting her health.
3) Standing up for myself has really helped. Both in my confidence and in the way she talks to me.
4) She is VERY interested in what I'm doing.
5) I'm getting the feeling she says things to me in order to get an "I love you" or some sort of statement like that.
6) She's spending money on new clothes, Starbucks and other luxuries but complains about paying for S school and therapy.


I guess putting those in different ways, I need to continue with patience, being a lighthouse, standing up for myself (ie boundaries), continue being mysterious, keep emotions out of conversations, keep $$$ issues all business and continue to be a great Daddy.

First day of IC tonight. Excited and terrified!

Feeling good tonight. IC was great. Didn't really get into anything ground breaking, mostly just me going through my story. She recommended Gottman, and I've noted that. It feels like a huge weight off my shoulders, telling someone a reader's digest version of my life the past 7 months. That hour went by really quickly!!

She recognized that anger is a huge area of work for me, and that one thing we'll do is figure out what lies beneath that since anger is a secondary emotion.

I'm scheduled to go back in 2 weeks, and I look forward to it.

This AM. She asked me to leave out some swim gear for him, so she could pick up as she drove by the house. No huge deal, OK.

When I get to work. 2 phone calls, 1 call to work line. I get back to my desk and text "what's wrong?" Turns out, there was a sub in S class and he was apprehensive. She was worried and "sad" and asked if I could call and checkup on him. I said, I'm kinda busy this AM but if you want to call and see how he's doing they will be glad to talk. She said ok.

I wonder if she did it? I doubt it. I'm proud of myself though, my initial reaction was to think it was OK since it involved S. Quickly realized it WAS NOT, but was a request for her H to do something she was perfectly capable of doing. Something a H would do for his W.....but NOT something a single Dad should do for a Separated Spouse engaged in an affair. Coconut, you may go a little overboard sometimes on your own, but your good advice popped in my head here so thanks!!

Lol, I'm honestly spinning for the time being, it's been a rough week and I feel like I have no direction, plus I do tend to swing to extremes... So take what I say with a grain of salt.

I think you did the right thing by not calling for her, but I think you missed an opportunity to validate. I can understand why that would make you concerned, I can see why you would want to call to check up on him... But I'm busy You &$& &$!&&. $$&&$ (go all qbert on her)..

In all seriousness though, I think you done good.

I'm just curious, have you always done everything for her? Is she not a very independent woman? She called you a bunch of times when that time could have been spent calling S daycare. My ex and I were separated before D began daycare. But if I had a concern, I didn't ask my ex to call. I called. But even if we were together, I would have called.

I'm just curious if she is so used to having you do everything for her or she is finding excuses to reach out to you?

She seems awfully codependent. If she is, feeding her the perks of having an H while she fired you from the job isn't going to help the situation. So good job on that one.

Rsg,
I am so proud of you!! Awesome that you told her to call herself. And you didn't do it in a "mean spirited" way either.
That is how you build respect from her.
Keep up on that distance like we have discussed.
Remember this is a marathon not a sprint