Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers First post here...just starting to GAL and 180.

Thanks mono. Alcohol changes a person and their mate. Not exactly sure why I've stayed beyond the kids 18 & 16, and the fact I thot I was marrying for life. Can't seem to get past that yet but I feel like a breaking point and could no longer do this on my own. I'm glad of any and all support!!

Coconut, thanks for the compassion and clarity. We've lived in the country close to the USA border in Canada for 21 years. M for 22 in one month. Two teens still at home who told me last year before WH did rehab that they would hate me forever if we divorced. Nice little piece of info to carry around with me. After rehab, I was trying to build positive experiences and good will before I felt we could try and deal with A1 but I waited too long and he drifted. Not my fault as he's made his decisions but we are both conflict avoiding, deadly I know, and neither wants the other to be hurt. Frankly that's all we are now is hurt. Add tears here. :'(

Basically, my switch is I have an MLC husband who has had at least two physical affairs, multiple EA on line and became alcoholic during A1 to cope with the fact he was as being a liar and cheater. I suspected for a about two years and I was right. Whenever I confronted he lied and I lost self esteem and trust in my intuition a bit more each time. I'm a 53 year old mess one year out from breast cancer with very little energy to do all this emotional crap.

I'm having a really low day today. He's been away all day from 8 am -9:30 pm and then doesn't ask about my day then sits on the couch with his Damn phone while I want to scream. But I can't scream cos I'm in 180 and I can't be the hitch he comes home too after spending time with ow ( I call her It) @ their AA mtg tonight.
I did go to all anon tonight and it just made me more angry that he's again letting his addictions rule!!!

Going to bed early to collect myself and end this pity party.
Good night.

Anger is one stage we go through.
Don't give up al-anon just because YOU are angry.
Maybe talk about it with them - they may have some startegies to help you with it.

Just because you are starting to work on yourself does not mean he will fix himself.
You didnt break him and you can not fix him

Cadets, it's not alanon that made me angry, it was the deeper realization that we've been here before so angry at the ditch and to me for not continuing with the group in the last year. They were great and supportive but they do not like to advise per season. We read more about detachment for me and I just cried. Made it hard to be cheerful and light at home when he got home an hour late from his AA mtg.

I went to bed early and did not sleep well, kept waking up and being sad and mad and yet another level of realizing how bad things are. When he did get home last night, he barely spoke and completely removed himself from a ditch where "we" we're saying no to our D driving to the city with a friend. They are only 16. I asked WH (in a text prior to the discussion) to please back me up. He agreed and in the conversation he starts backing away goes and puts on the tv! My D is crying, I'm consoling her yet staying firm and he doesn't comment. What a diff from yesterday!

I feel shakey inside in part from fear and part anger. I guess I haven't allowed myself anger at this point.

So back to the articles and rereading 180 etc and try to further my GAL plans. What else can I do? Right?
Col

You are right, I didn't break him and only he can fix self. He blames my behaviour and my illnesses over the years as emotional hooks. I agree that sometimes some of my health questions were stress related and I did lean on him. It's what you do! He saw it as attention seeking. Right food poisoning is attention seeking?

How do I get off the rollercoaster? Every thing he does and says I watch and when he's more withdrawn I get more anxious. I had a miserable night and most of the day. I stayed busy. Took a friend to chemo and we had a two hour drive one way to the city. Lots of time to talk. I realized that all my talk sounded like a victim. I hated it. I'm better than that. First steps here are so hard. I'm good with 180 when he's home and fall apart at night and when he's at work.

Mistake? I had a good day in the city for all anon mtg and my IC. He has been asking me questions and I ha e been light and not to detailed. After a family dinner, we all played a board game. Then we sat and had a great conversation. Then I realised I was talking too much and he was withdrawing. I withdrew to th he kitchen and he's now been in the bathroom with his phone for over half hour. I feel like I did something wrong!!

Often you can do everything "right" and they'll still act out, so I wouldn't use his reactions or emotions as your gauge of whether you are doing the right or wrong thing, or whether things are "working". That's part of what detaching is about.

In this case as you note you may have ended up pursuing too much by doing much of the talking, but he may have reacted the same way regardless. Moreover, it sounds like you realized you were talking too much, and you ended the conversation first like you should. His bathroom visit may or may not have been his attempt at punishing you, but that wouldn't mean that you stepping back was the wrong thing.

For what it's worth, some of my WW's harshest reactions have been to those moments when I stood up for myself or was otherwise managing to do things right as far as DBing goes. But getting through those moments have also often resulted in improved behavior down the road on her part.

One of my most worrisome moments was when I caught her writing erotica on her ipad. I confronted her and told her writing [censored] like that for OM while in bed with me was not acceptable and I wanted her out of the MBR. She swore up and down that it wasn't about OM, and she wasn't writing it for OM, and I was horrible for violating her privacy by peeking, and she had been on the verge of deciding to recommit to our marriage before I became "mean", and she cried and cried, etc, etc. She ended up refusing to leave the MBR. I felt like it was a horrible outcome and inside I felt horrible like ohhh no I really screwed up this time! She ignored me for several days.

But after a few days of me toughing it out she started being nicer towards me, and in other conversations she has made comments like worrying if she did see OM again she might find her stuff in the other room or out on the lawn. Good! She should be worried!

Thanks EDF! It's horrible to see what they are doing and feel powerless. I'm new to the detaching, and it's easy to go with the flow that was going so nicely tonight.
Good for you standing up to her! It's pretty scary though to not know which way it will go and have to wait days to get your more positive outcome.

Thanks for the help and support! Col

Advice needed tonight!! WH is late and I have asked him in the past to call if late. Do I say something and reset the boy Darcy. I th I k it rude not to call or text if you are going to be late. Or do I say not hi g now and act disinterested?
Thx!