Bad day of anxiety today, one of the worst for a good while. Not helped by my mum being in hospital now.
I just feel so overwhelmed today. And like I'm going to throw up with the worry of everything.
I've struggled to achieve much. But I've done some washing, the washing up, and taken time over my makeup. I'm going out to work soon.
Try as I may, I still don't understand why all this is happening.
I guess there's no understanding of any of it. It is what it is, and nothing more. And if you look at it like that, then it's pretty simple and straight forward.
Hi Focus, I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Through this process we all get days when all we can do is haul ourselves out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.
I can also remember days that had a terrible start but ended up quite nice. I hope today becomes one of those.
From your post before this last one, you were doing really well and I'm sure you'll get back to that place soon Sweetie.
Take care of yourself and know that we need to get through these rough patches to get to calmer, happier times xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
How's today going Focus? Looking back over your threads you've been strong so many times. Forget the odd bad day and keep moving forward. Think back to the first days and you'll realize how far you've come already.
I've been through some incredibly awful things in my life...this has to count as one of the worst. The initial intensity of it, and the long haul nature of it...horrendous.
Well, I've been invited to a big industry event.
Clearly H and his new girlfriend will have been invited too, as we all work in the same industry (I do a different job from them, I only work part time, and my job is nowhere near as high profile as theirs).
I don't know if he/they're expecting me to have been invited as well. Maybe he/they think I won't have been invited?
Anyway, it's on Tuesday.
Do I go?
The reasons for yes: I've been invited I have as much right to be there as anyone else I like socialising I'll know a lot of the people there I can use the evening for some gentle, easy going networking I love getting dressed up and going out I know I can conduct myself with grace and dignity in a stressful situation The whole industry can see how well I'm doing
The reasons for no: He will most likely be there He might be there with GF It will be the first time I will have seen him since early October I don't know how he will react to seeing me there I reckon people will be watching the both of us to see how we are with each other I will most likely find it quite stressful I feel scared
Email from MIL very late last night about some work that I am doing for her (work I've done before for her another one off, a few hours, the start of July).
Tacked onto the end of it was a few paragraphs about something that she was looking after for me/us: the piano from my childhood. She wants to give it back to me.
I have no room for it in this house. She knows that.
She said that if she doesn't hear from me, she'll dispose of it.
She's also looking after a beautiful antique kitchen dresser for me. There was no mention of that in her email, I noticed.
Was all over the place when I read that last night...last thing before going to bed. So angry. Just wanted to shout at her and tell her to stuff her work. Contemplated arranging other work for that evening and just not showing up.
Obviously didn't do anything or say anything.
I told my mum that my new motto is 'inaction is action'...that doing nothing is actually doing something. She laughed about it. My mum is very emotional, and I know that she finds it difficult to relate to me sometimes. I'm very, very private and cautious in my actions...she's the opposite.
I'd had a good day up to that point last night. Work was plentiful and it was good work too, easy and relaxed, the weather was lovely, and I found some very nice, bargain jeans for my new frame. I'm now a UK size 8 (US size 4).
Sorry, just thinking out loud here...had a lot of stuff going round in my head recently.
I still don't understand why any of this happened/is happening. I feel totally confused over that, totally confused. And lost.
Now it's starting to dawn on me that as much as my H will have to face the issues he has run away from/is running away from in any future relationship that he has (and my guess if that he won't face them, that he'll continue running away from them, as I believe him to be a coward. Anyway, that's for him to deal with himself and none of my business now), I will have to deal with my issues.
Some of them were obvious to me before all of this (managed to do a lot of very positive, transformative work on myself a good few years ago), some of them are becoming obvious to me only now.
And they're becoming obvious to me because I know that the man I went out with on my birthday really likes me.
I now realise that one of my biggest fears is losing my capacity for independent thought and being controlled and hemmed in (I had a very, very controlling father...pathological in his level of control).
This was never a question with my H. We were two very independent people, who gave each other *a lot* of space. And for the last three years of our M he was never actually, physically here, he was working the other side of the world mostly.
But that's not exactly normal, is it? Not to be physically in the same house, or even in the same country? Not for such huge, extended periods of time anyway. One week, two weeks...sure. But months and months on end? And then years on end?
So when big, strapping, handsome man is chasing me and I'm feeling panic because am scared that he might want to hem me in and control me, and I feel like I want to run away as far and as fast as I can, then that's one of my fears, one of my own deepest fears, that I'm going to have to face in any relationship that I have in the future that is bringing that up. It's not his actions, per se, and the kind of person he is, that is making me feel like that, but my own background and my own experience that is triggering those fears.
I am so grateful for that insight. That is something that I didn't know about myself before all of this happened. And it's knowledge that I can carry forward with me, and use to make me more self aware and stronger in the future. It will make me more compassionate to other people as well.
As much as my H is on his own journey (and I never doubted that), I am really on mine.
I am just sad, deeply sad. I don't think that any relationship I will have in the future can ever be imbued with that youthful naivety, hope and energy that I seemed to have when I met my H and when we fell in love. It feels like the world has changed forever, and is a much sadder, more poignant place. I almost can't bear the pain of that knowledge at times.
And weirdly, right on cue, as I'm sitting in silence thinking all this through and typing this...I hear the keys going in the door and someone trying to get in.
What the actual heck is going on? Why does he want in here?
Hi Focus, This isn't the first time you've had a key in the lock so for your own peace of mind change the locks. As for the event, what do you feel deep down? Can you carry off a devil may care attitude in front of H? If not maybe it is better not to go. I don't know what other vets would suggest. I understand how you feel, I still expect to bump into W every time I go to the bars we used to visit, it isn't a nice feeling. We're on a similar timeline and I think you are making amazing progress despite the difficulties you've faced. Stay strong.
