Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers LBS-confused, lost and SAD - where is my power?

((LandC))

Please don't beat yourself up. Relationships are complicated and have many threads. I highly doubt that anything you did in the last two months had a decisive impact on the relationship.

I tend to agree with Blu. Your H has seemed very determined since the beginning. I don't know if there is anything you could do to change his mind.

Hi BluWave,
thanks for your thoughtful response.
Yesterday was the first time he even mentioned a D, so I am still in shock.
Most of my frustration right now is that he is basing his decisions on the PAST. I don't want our M back the way it was either.
I want to have an opportunity to move FORWARD. Yes, of course I have to take care of myself and my own life.
I just can't wrap my brain around the idea that after over 15 years together I get an EMAIL... that he isn't even brave enough to talk to me in person? There is just so much room for miscommunication and misunderstanding right now with so little contact and so little in person contact.
I feel I deserve and our M deserves better. And, I really have so little idea of what is really going on with him. Why didn't he tell me he was unhappy months ago?
I know some of the things he is unhappy about... but I don't now specifically what is driving his current behavior and decisions.
I guess what I am saying is what I would like more than anything is to UNDERSTAND. yes, it would likely hurt, but it's better than all this wondering and questioning going on in my head, which is making it very difficult for me to focus on my life and making my life better. there are too many questions right now for me to feel at peace with any of this.
I will ponder more what you wrote.
thankfully I see my therapist today.
xxxxx hugs - how is your life going?

I am glad you are seeing a therapist and that you like him/her; you need and deserve the support right now!

I don't know why your H is doing this either. It must be incredibly frustrating to feel so left in the dark. In my sitch I knew all along that it was OW pursuing and infiltrating.

I imagine there is a lot you don't know. I don't think it's common for men to just pick up and do a 180 without OW there or fantasy of OW. I still think he may be having an A. Perhaps he really doesn't want you to know anything and is just running fast and the D will absolve some guilt in his mind. I have no idea. I just haven't read in your sitch that he has had doubts or given you any signs that he is second guessing his choices.

You are very supportive of him and forgiving. I am wondering if the anger surfaces or are you afraid? Because you have every right to be angry! It is also understandable to not want a friendship with someone that treats you this way! Sometimes that white anger and strength, can show H that you don't stand for this and he begins to respect you.

Him being soooo busy at work that he has no time to even talk. No, I am calling BS on that. I work full time, plenty of overtime, have 3 kids, and I still make time for what is important to me. That's just an excuse because he refuses to face you.

So I still reserve my position that you should let him go and sign the papers. And I think you should hold your head up high and know your worth when doing so. H needs to know now that you are not his plan B. You deserve better than this! Maybe down the line you two can reconcile, but right now, I don't think you want someone that thinks they can treat you this way do you?

I know my sitch is diff, but it wasn't until I let go of any hope, started moving on, and knowing my worth, that H started second guessing himself.

Take care. Things will get better one day. You just gotta get through this hard part.

-Blu

Hi BluWave,
Thanks again for your support and ideas.
I am definitely not ready to sign papers...
I want you to know I have had many days in past couple weeks when I was REALLY angry, walking in the desert yelling and screaming at the sky etc. I've been doing internal family systems work on parts with my therapist - and getting very familiar with my 'angry part'!!!
I do think you make a very good point - and it's one of the reasons I will not just 'sign' the papers to make his life easier right now. There is no way I would do something so serious without seeing him in person. I deserve better, as you say, and I deserve the respect of meeting face to face, even if that takes him more time to be able to do.
One thing I've been angry about is that, while we both behaved very badly the night of the fight, he has continued to be very disrespectful and inconsiderate of me and my feelings.
I know he is in a lot of pain most likely as well.
oh dear - going outside and taking a break from all this.
On a positive note, I have joined a program to become a Certified Dream Coach with Dream University. this is very exciting!
thanks and more later!

thanks Rose888... I do have a tendency to think everything is all my fault and if I just did it differently everything would be ok.
I have been feeling so much pain and regret the past few days anyway - for all I feel I could have done over past year to be more of a team player in our marriage in terms of money earning etc. Yes, I was doing all the cooking/cleaning errands etc. but he did voice his frustration with the fact that I didn't have a full time job and I think that hurt our M.
I don't know where to go with all this. I HATE trying to communicate with him via email, and I REFUSE to try to talk about our M and future etc. via email. It's cold, distant, inhuman and cowardly, as far as I am concerned, and allows room for MORE misunderstanding, which I do NOT need right now. I am going to figure out a way to talk to him in person in a safe way - going outside now for some air!
THANKS

How are you doing today?

For some conversations, I find email better than in person, because sometimes I word things poorly the first (12) times, and email lets me edit as many times as I need to.

We've also used email when delivering news to relatives when we suspected that their initial reaction would damage the relationship. Getting the news via email let them cry and rage and get over their shock and then respond with a response that was more supportive of the relationship.

Which isn't me telling you that you have to communicate via email or that you should communicate with H at all right now. I'm not qualified to give advice!

But it might help to know that not everyone sees email as cold, distant, inhuman, and cowardly. For some of us, it helps us rise above our communication flaws and bring our best self to the conversation.

Hi Rose888,
Thanks for that input. I think it is useful for some types of communication, but since a lot of communication is body language, tone of voice etc. there is too much room for miscommunication with something as important as this.
Plus, I actually think it's a bit cowardly on his part to not be brave enough to tell me what is going on in person.
I realize that he doesn't perhaps feel 'safe' with me right now and afraid of his emotions, but there is a way to get to a place where talking in person is possible.
how is it going with you?

Hi DBers, Advice Needed!!!
As some of you may be aware from my posts last couple days, my H sent an email Wed June 15 saying he had sent me D papers to sign - that he 'still loves me but not in the big way anymore' and that I 'matter to him' and that he 'appreciates our time together'. Then he signed it 'sending love'
I have NOT responded in any way.
The irony is not lost on me...anyhow - I just spent most of the morning re-reading DR and at a loss for the moment of what to do next.
Are there any of you out there, especially MEN who got to the D papers stage and then reconsidered and later reconciled?
I know he wants to be on his own right now and can respect that, and frankly, I have a lot of work to do on myself.
But I am NOT signing any papers!
This has been one of worst and most stressful periods in both our lives, plus he's been working 50 hours a week, doesn't sleep well etc. I do NOT think this is the time to be making such a drastic decision.
I re-read the section in DR on writing down goals and asking 'what would be the first sign that things are moving in the right direction?'
What I realized I would like is a conversation where he would tell me, and I would only LISTEN, what it is he really wants for his life right now and what he thinks a D will give him?
And then to find a way to agree on a middle ground, as we are of course at opposite ends of the spectrum at the moment. He wants to escape,and I want to reconcile eventually.
I KNOW from everything I've learned in this community and other things I've learned that TIME is required!!!
Making this decision after only 2 months of separation seems insane to me...as I am looking at the long term, and he's looking at the short term.
If he's been unwilling to meet me in person for past couple weeks and won't answer my calls, I know he is afraid of a face to face talk, that I'll get all emotional and dredge up past etc.
What he doesn't know is that I have NO intention of doing that!
I realized the other day that I haven't told him that I am absolutely willing to not talk about the past, or try to 'process' anything - and until I make that clear I don't think he will feel safe meeting in person.
I don't feel comfortable discussing this via email.
I feel I don't have enough information to actually respond to him...so I'd like to hear what he has to say before I decide what I want to do next.
My ultimate goal of course is to get him to agree to delay the D and find a way to help each other through this period of our M and give it the time it deserves.
He obviously feels that getting rid of our M is the only answer to his future happiness. And of course he's basing all his decisions only on the PAST.
This drives me nuts. The past is over.
He hasn't even seen me enough for past 3.5 weeks to be able to have any NEW impressions about how I am doing etc. and how we could interact.
Oh sorry, I'm rambling on.
Thanks for your patience and time and support.

The whole situation sounds very frustrating.

However, given your situation, I think you need to focus on goals for you. Your goal seems to be focused on him.

That chapter of the book has a lot of examples of couples who are in counseling and who are setting goals together. I found it confusing when I was setting goals when my H was not interested in working on the relationship.

Your H wants to communicate only via email. You want to communicate only in person. Until one of you bends, no communication will happen. You can only control you.

What are your goals for you--not for H or your M?

Hi Rose888,
That's a good point. I will have to decide how to find a way, perhaps to have him feel safe to talk in person, or another way?
My goals, - I have signed up to become a Certified Dream Coach and have started the online training.
I have started looking for a new job.
I have a routine I do daily, walking, journaling, meditating, and learning to control my thoughts and emotions and not break down all the time!
I am learning about Internal Family Systems to start integrating the different internal 'parts' of myself to end up being a more whole and integrated person.
I will ponder what else???