What reason has she got to lie to her best friend? She wants to file for divorce, quite clear that.
You're missing the point. You're right - she wants to file for divorce right now. But that doesn't MATTER.
She is running on pure emotion right now. She's working off of her feelings. But feelings can change. Are you always happy? Tired? Hungry? Cold? So just because she feels something today doesn't mean she will feel the same tomorrow or the next day or the next week or the next month, etc.
The point is that in order to potentially reconcile with her, you need to look inwards and work on you. Let go of your fear and your need for control. She's going to do whatever she's going to do. The only chance she turns around is if you are the Kyle that she'd be a fool to leave.
Kyle it's funny that it seems your either not reading what others are writing or you don't believe it. You say your more at peace... Do you think that's a feeling? Do you think feelings change? Go back and read what darkness wrote (what I quoted)...
The only thing you can control is what you do, look inwards and start fixing what you think should be improved. You said earlier your not a spiritual person, may I suggest that you work on that. Go to church, or meditation, or something that will help you look into yourself, I think you would find it very helpful.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
When I say I feel at peace I mean that I can see now that my M is over. I didn't want to believe it before so was obsessing about every little detail, what she said, how she acted when I picked the kids up, I was replaying every minutes of the weeks/months leading up to BD.
I was blindly clinging on to anything which gave me false hope, I was trying to change the context of every word she said to fit my desire.
Where did it get me? I would probably say I was weeks away from a complete mental breakdown!
On I side not I can see the humor in her filing for D, here in the UK she could only file under adultery or unreasonable behavior. What's she going to say?
"He let me go out with my friends all the time" "He did most of the housework" "He was great with the kids" "He let me irresponsibly spend money"
Like I said previously I think I need to take some time away and try and center myself.
This is one of the best thoughts you have posted in your threads. And you have posted it more than once. So now what are you doing to follow your own advice here?
You're questioning what I'm looking for and to be frank I'm not sure myself anymore.
If you are not sure, then sit still and figure it out. You are being provided with ideas, advice and feedback from folks at every point in situations that mirror yours. Pay attention. Try and stop debating it all, and focus some energy on some actions. Continuing to ruminate and debate really is not doing you any good.
All I know for sure is I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling this pain, I'm tired of thinking about the memories, I'm tired of waking up at 5am, I'm tired of looking for signs in everything, I'm tired of trying to figure out what caused this, I'm tired of having to hear and see how happy my W is without me, I'm tired of worrying what she's doing everytime she has weekends without the kids.
Then it is time to start doing something about it. You are never going to make any progress in these areas if you continue to just think and write about it. You need to get up and do something about it. No one ever lost 50 pounds and got healthy by sitting around and being tired of being sick and tired. They have to get up and do some work. And that work will be uncomfortable and does not change things over night. It takes time and WORK to come through what you are experiencing.
I just want to be free from it all but I can't. My brain is my worst enemy at the moment, I can't control it!
You can't control it, because you are not putting forth the effort to do so. Your brain is like any other muscle in your body. You have to exercise it. You should have homework from your IC to work on this. You may need to see an MD for medical advice. Meditation, study of emotional health and effort are what are needed. And a PMA. This you may even have to fake it until you make it. But without a PMA you will struggle.
I want to know why my W isn't filing for divorce? Granted financially she can't afford it but if she is so certain it's over then ask me to file.
How will knowing change anything you do?
Kyle....brother....my friend.... It is time to start doing something that works. So much proven and valuable information is being shared with you. And it is from folks that care and want to see you succeed. Think about it. Do you really think folks here are trying to just steer you in a random direction? Do you want support and ideas? C'mon now. I have thrown out the challenge to you several times. Others have as well. Your thread is starting to look something like a broken record. It keeps repeating itself.
Stand up, dust yourself off, understand that your d's need you to be a strong father. You need to feel strong and good again.
You can do this.
But only after you make a decision and commit to doing the work that is needed.
I am not saying that it will be easy. Only that it will be worth it.
What say you?
Will you do it?
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Hi Kyle, firstly I would encourage you not to believe all that they say - this is one of the DB rules for a reason and WAS's may say many things that don't ultimately come to pass. However, if that she has said this helps you detach further - great - though I wouldn't let this alter your course.
I'm also in the UK and my XH filed on unreasonable behaviour grounds. From what my L said, the bar is pretty low. To avoid further hurt for me and help him out, I ended up giving him some suggested grounds and he used those. With the benefit of experience, now I probably would have taken a harder line and said to him - well, I guess if you feel I've behaved unreasonably you'll file on that basis - then left him to it.
But there we are, it's not a huge regret and we live and learn. Do take some time to absorb this latest development, which is by no means the end.
Take care
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I certainly won't be helping her with reason to put down on a divorce, if that's what she wants then she will have to come up with something tangible by herself.
I normally don't get defensive but I will not allow her to write a list of lies if that's the course of action she chooses.
Hi Kyler. You got loads of replies and advice on what to do and all you took out of it was Sottos bit about not helping her with reasons for D
Nothing has changed , if you had asked us on this board if your W had discussed D with her friends we would all have answered yes. Of course she has , she believes the M is over and has done since BD.
Why do you trust this friend with the info so much and before you answer, did you trust W more or less than the. Friend before BD ? Do you get my point ?
You have a lot of people on your side on this board , more than most and that's because we all feel your pain and see you chasing every thought because you can't accept what is happening Until you do you will continue to wreck you head. Again , it's completely understandable BUT pick a road a stick with it
Don't believe anything W or her friends say right now , good or bad regarding your sitch , focus on you , that's all that you can control Accept that right now W is 100% done and any R you two have in the future will be from scratch and new
Hi Kyler. You got loads of replies and advice on what to do and all you took out of it was Sottos bit about not helping her with reasons for D
Nothing has changed , if you had asked us on this board if your W had discussed D with her friends we would all have answered yes. Of course she has , she believes the M is over and has done since BD.
Why do you trust this friend with the info so much and before you answer, did you trust W more or less than the. Friend before BD ? Do you get my point ?
You have a lot of people on your side on this board , more than most and that's because we all feel your pain and see you chasing every thought because you can't accept what is happening Until you do you will continue to wreck you head. Again , it's completely understandable BUT pick a road a stick with it
Don't believe anything W or her friends say right now , good or bad regarding your sitch , focus on you , that's all that you can control Accept that right now W is 100% done and any R you two have in the future will be from scratch and new
Got woke up this morning by my D5 with a fathers day card, presents and a big kiss, I couldn't think of a better way to start the day. My parents have been incredible through all of this and it's the little things like being thoughtful enough to go and get a card for me which makes all the difference.
Got a family BBQ today before I take my D5 home which I'm looking forward too.
My goal for the day is to stay off facebook as I know it's going to be full of fathers day messages from happy families and I know that will not help me.
Great time spent with my family today having a BBQ and unwinding, shame my D5 had to go home.
Can I get some experienced opinions on something? I've been very good over the past 3 weeks and have completely backed away from my W, I've only spoken to her when she's contacted me regarding the kids and when I've been in her company I have stopped trying to be overly nice and make idle chit chat.
On to my question (and don't judge me for 3rd part information).....Last night my W was out with mutual friends and they've told me she was really off, she was being very quiet and went home early. Before she went home she confided in a friend saying "I know he's probably talking to other women and getting comfort from them etc" (for the record I have no history of ever doing anything like this).
Should I not look too much into this or is it a sign that detaching from her is working.
Great time spent with my family today having a BBQ and unwinding, shame my D5 had to go home.
Can I get some experienced opinions on something? I've been very good over the past 3 weeks and have completely backed away from my W, I've only spoken to her when she's contacted me regarding the kids and when I've been in her company I have stopped trying to be overly nice and make idle chit chat.
On to my question (and don't judge me for 3rd part information).....Last night my W was out with mutual friends and they've told me she was really off, she was being very quiet and went home early. Before she went home she confided in a friend saying "I know he's probably talking to other women and getting comfort from them etc" (for the record I have no history of ever doing anything like this).
Should I not look too much into this or is it a sign that detaching from her is working.
