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Hi Gabs. Read you recent post and my pennies worth is a year is a very short time frame but you must live your life as you want

You say you sent W two letters already but they weren't clear enough for your W and you will write one that is very clear I hope that works for you

Your story of your friend and how his W gave him a chance to fix what his W saw as the issues is great and a lot of us on here would have appreciated that chance but Ihis W obviously desired the M to work maybe our WASs didn't

Can I ask why you decided to post on here again because you don't belove DB has worked for you so why tell the forum what your going to do. It's a serious question because if you had already written the letter and W had changed her mind I think a lot of us would appreciate that iknowledge but as it is you knew the response you would get

As for your W saying you will move on with a new lady , , I'm like yourself , I have made no overtures to my WW about coming home and in fact shut down any efforts on her part to bring up R talk yet she has made it quite clear she does not wish me to move on with someone else. I'm almost two years into this now. If my WW had wanted back then she would have to make it abundantly clear and I wouldn't feel there would be much of a chance of a new R unless she did regardless of my actions

I'm 21 years M and 27 years in together

As for you being able to express yourself , that's great , a lot of people on here would love that ability I personally can't other than the simple I love you

I wish you the best with your letter. Please let us know how you get on as I'm sure it isn't just me who is very interested to see the result

Take care. Rd

I understand not wanting to leave no stone unturned and also the desire to not leave things unsaid. And in the movies that often ends well. The approach here is general and may not apply fully toevery situation.Hence the concept of try, observe,adapt. Basically do what works and stop doing what isn't.

Rd mentioned the timescale and I have to agree. I would also add that if the DB techniques are working and W is thinking things over, a full declaration of love will most likely do two things
1. Send her running
2 she will know you are available as backup plan later just in case.
Both set you back.

I cannot say more without rereading your first thread and hearing more about your lives in the last year.

Going back to what cadet said earlier about letting go reminded me of something I heard recently when listening to advice on children. Basically a;; couple were having a hard time with their kids behaviour especially in external situations.A counselor told them to bring the kids to a restaurant with the intention of leaving if the children misbehaved. They kids behaved. Why because somehow they KNEW the parents meant it. That is the difference between feeling it and faking it. Many believe the WAS can pick up on our real level of attachment regardless of how we try to show the opposite.Is it possible your attachment showed through in your interactions over the last year.

For me the only utility of writing that letter is if you do so to say goodbye to your R and really move on afterwards.TThis is my opinion only.

I wish you all the best. Keep us posted please.

This is what I was thinking as well.
This is DB101.

I have my own doubts that pursuing her will win her back.
I have never seen that work here before.
However if that is the way you want to try- then have at it.
We will be here to help you pick up the pieces when you come back.

Understand that I am a pursurer myself so I totally understand.
You might want to re-read the pursuit and distance thread in the homework, IMHO.

Gabs, I've been reading this posts and a lot, if not most, of your concerns resonate with me; especially what I quoted. I'm about a year behind you and in the initial stages of DB. My biggest concern is I think my W left me because I didn't express my love to her at all and going dark just reaffirms her decision to leave me.

Ah, the letters.

I am extremely guilty of taking the chance to express my feelings towards someone I loved and lost through a letter or conversation.(happened a few times). When I did not get the reaction I hoped for, I would go over it and over it again in my head thinking I must have not made myself clear. They must be missing something about how I am feeling. I think I need to talk again, or right another letter until they see it my way.

I am very very much a pursuer. It has never, ever worked in my favor. I realize that if someone really truly wants to be with me, they will come and find me and I should never have to chase and reclarify. Such a difficult lesson to learn.

But if you feel you need to do it again, well, you will be supported. You need to make a boundary for yourself. And have no expectations, or atleast realistic expectations.

When we don't get what we want in this life, we ask ourselves "did I do and say everything I possibly can? I must not have." <<<<<< I am so guilty of this.

Sometimes we do all we can and still don't get the result we hope for.

Gabs, go with it if you feel that this is the only way and that you would regret not doing it.

It is your life, your wife, and you know it better than anyone.

One thing to remember - if this is the final step before full DB, or final step before it is over in your heart - then stick to it.

It hurts if you don't get what you want, but also who does not risk - does not win.

I am hoping you win!

I have a few comments on a few different posts. So this may be broken up into a few posts of mine.

Im sorry to hear that there has been no improvement in your sitch.



I'd caution you with this. Sometimes, until you let go of the rope, you are pursuing in ways you didnt even know or realize. You havent detailed every single interaction with your W, so theres no way to know or point to examples. But in some cases, I would say or do things expecting a reaction I didnt even realize I was expecting. For example, your bday card and gifts. I notice you were vague about "pictures you thought she would want". Im guessing there were some of you together. While it's just clearing out your house, I imagine she may have seen that as pursuit.


Im having a really hard time balancing these two thoughts. Why, exactly, are you on dating websites? If you still want to get back to being with your wife, what is the benefit of going out on dates.

I challenge you to review DR again. What are your goals. Does going out on dates with other women get you closer to them? I also challenge you to consider the perspective from the new women's point of view. Do you feel it is fair to be going out on romantic evenings when you are still hoping for a renewed relationship with your W? It sounds like you are hoping that someone new will convince you it's OK to let go and move on. I believe that that decision needs to come from within. Why start a new relationship until you are emotionally disconnected from the old one?


If this is actually true, then I believe that DB IS working.


No. DB is saying to go into a different room. Thats her door and she can walk through it whether you are holding it open or holding it closed. Leave her to make her own decisions.


You are doing the thing she asked of you. I dont see any action that could express your love more to her than that.

How do you feel going on dates expresses your love for her?


This mostly sounds like your fear talking. It sounds like you still think that there is something you can do to fix this. I elieve that doing exactly what she asked you to do is the strongest and most compassionate thing that you can do.

I will tell you first hand that doing all of the pursuit and notes and proclamations of my love did nothing to help my sitch. Im sure just about every single other person here can tell you the same. Maybe you have good words. Maybe you even have the BEST words.


OK. My turn for a baseball analogy. You think that youre in a position of being down 3 with the bases loaded, two outs, in the bottom of the ninth. That one swing of the bat will win the game for you.

I'd say your down 7 with two outs and nobody on in the bottom of the ninth. You could hit a home run, but it wont really matter. You need to start by getting baserunners. String together hits.

Hi Gabs,

Thanks for clarifying and responding. I understand what you're saying, and also what you're saying about feeling you're owed something. We probably all feel or felt that way.

You had a 30+ year relationship. If nothing else, that's a huge success. You know your relationship and your W better than anyone.

You are absolutely right that there can never be a "one size fits all" prescription for every situation. No question. Sometimes begging does work, although in my experience it will buy you a temporary "stay of execution" versus leading to a real reconciliation, because things will tend to resume their prior equilibrium rather than finding a new one. How long that stay of execution lasts can vary.

I think what we see on these boards is that "left behind spouse" follows a very very predictable thought and response process. The response seems to be incredibly consistent despite the varying circumstances in all of our lives. The "walk away wife" also follows a very predictable pattern.

The circumstances leading up to the walk-away are as varied as snowflakes, no two situations are the same. Once the "point of crisis" is reached, however, the reactions of the two parties seems to line up time and time again.

If you get to the point of reconciliation, once again the paths will diverge widely -- everyone's road is different.

I truly hope that your letter finds its mark with your wife. If it doesn't, I hope you find the peace you are looking for in knowing that you did everything you could.

I would argue that following DB advice is the hardest path you can take, so you should already feel good about what you've done in terms of suppressing your pursuit urges -- that's very, very difficult and takes a lot of discipline. Making that commitment comes from a place of love.

I would not get into arguing about dating sites or other side issues on this board, every one is in a very different place on that issue. Focus on the most important issues for you and don't feel the need to defend yourself on any challenge anyone raises -- everyone is coming from a place of trying to help you. If they are challenging you they are trying to make you think.

Acc

Heres what I think you are missing. Many of us were told things, but didnt listen or didnt believe the severity. My guess is that your W said things to you over the years that you may have only partially heard. Even if not, the trouble is that they are words. You could have been told that, fixed some of the problems for a time, and then reverted back to old ways over time.

Unfortunately, it takes this serious ACTION to stir us LBS's into action, but by the time the WAS is ready to take that action, it becomes to late to do the things you should have done in the first place.

The only way to have a potential to revive the marriage is to become the best version of yourself. And sometimes, that isnt enough.

The point is, you need actions, not words. Thats why I have a hard time believing that your letter will have any impact.

Hey Gabs,
Glad to hear you are jamming and having some gigs! I think that's awesome stuff. I used to do a lot of music (in fact W said the other day that's one of the things she was attracted to when we started dating, totally surprised me, had no idea) and it all went out the window when I had kids.

Speaking of music, you should see my playlist for the last couple months. It started with a lot of "Ain't No Sunshine" and songs like that. Then I spent about 3 weeks straight just listening to the album True Colors by Zedd on repeat-- first song on the album is "Addicted to a Memory", and the whole thing is basically a walk through a breakup. Perfect, amirite? And Spotify is too dam smart, it started recommending playlists to me like "Songs for a Broken Heart" or "Breakup Jams". It's like, ok stop it. Stop it with your creepy algorithms.
Anyway, now I'm onto stuff more like "The Light" by Disturbed. Much better.

We're all behind you man. Keep coming back here.