Hello, I am 36, married for 13 years, but struggling. My H and I have had our ups and downs, but things really took a turn for the worse about ten years ago when I was diagnosed with OCD. My obsessions really interfered with out intimacy, and it's never really come back. As the years have gone by, our relationship feels like it's changed from one of life partner in crime/romantic, to best friends/roomates.
Our issues go beyond the intimacy. We disagree on how to manage finances. He is a starving artist, trying to make it work but commissions are spotty and he has never been able to make a living doing this. He hasn't ever held a long-term job beyond a year or two. We don't have any kids, and I think he resents me for this because I was always ambivalent. A few years ago I went off my birth control and antidepressants, thinking we could try, and nothing ever came from it.
I am introverted. I like my close circle of friends and prefer to hang at someone's home, playing games or watching movies. He is extroverted. He likes bars, stimulation, and has a wider circle of not-as-close friendships. He says we have nothing in common anymore. There's more, but I don't want to be here all night...
Neither of us has come right out and said we WANT to divorce. But the thought is in my mind. In an argument with him last weekend, he acknowledged he's checked out of the relationship, feeling that he's tried for years and is done trying. I've asked him if he only stays because I pay all his bills, and he denies. He stated one thing that he worries about is my being alone without him. I don't see the point in staying married if the romance is gone. Typical ILYBNILWU. (did I get that acronym right?). It's not the first time I've thought of divorce. Honestly I worry about how much alimony I'd have to pay him and the financial ruin it will cause me. I am stuck in indecision and have no clue how to chose a path-to stay and continue trying to figure it out, or go?
So I'm here, hoping I'll be able to work my way through this, or get some ideas. I was here a year ago but my old log-in wasn't working, so I have no clue where those posts went. I do have the book and have read it through. I have no idea how to GAL. I'm very shy. I try to 180 but find myself falling back into my old ways. I'm lost.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I like my close circle of friends and prefer to hang at someone's home, playing games or watching movies.
I have no idea how to GAL.
Is there a local game store? If so, they likely run many events where you can show up and play games at the store with new people. Theres not a ton of conversation necessary and what talking there is is usually about the game itself.
I am Sorry you are here, but this is as good a place as any to chat with folks that know what you are going through.
I like to review as much info on the different aspects that I am working on and trying to survive and being an introvert is one of these things. As you mentioned this is a challenge for you also.
it is very enlightening and empowering information for an introvert such as myself. Believe it or not there are other introverts like us and appreciate social settings similar to what we are comfortable with. Post regularly, check out others stories and you can learn a lot to help with your journey now.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/09/1612:36 AM. Reason: As per forum agreement do not mention other books and authors
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I joined an introvert group on facebook but left it when it became a who's-who of trying to blame mental illness for introversion, and so forth, instead of discussion on flourishing with this personality type.
H has spoken often of feeling like I am cold and unemotional. I tend to be very rational, but I don't think I'm cold! He says he feels ignored by me, but I tend to find him very needy at times, and it's draining. I try to meet him half way-saying hello when I get home from work, asking how his day was, trying to think of things we can do together that we'll both like, but it never helps. He's an artist, he often asks me my opinions on his work. I give him compliments and encouragement, but that's not enough. He says after 15 years I should know how to critique a picture, or learn about his craft. I don't have an artistic bone in my body.
He has depression and anxiety-lasting effects of chemotherapy and radiation as a teenager. I work in the mental health field so I am very well versed in mental illness, treatment, and recovery, but he rejects my suggestions, insisting "therapy doesn't work", he's tired of my "psychobabble", etc. On one hand he says he's my cheerleader, but on the other hand he rejects my profession. Ironic that I can work with others on the issues I am writing about but struggle to address my own. Furthermore, I was diagnosed with OCD ten years ago, and he tends to insist that any problem I am having is because of my symptoms, rather than trusting that I know the difference between a symptom and a stressor. I'm thinking of re-entering therapy myself, to work through my relationship concerns and make this decision, but as someone working in the field, how do I chose from among my colleagues when I know them from the other side of the couch, so to speak? Providers are the worst patients and all that.... So I think I must focus on 180s and GAL. Instead of calling him asking when he's going to be home from the bar, I will resist the urge and let him do his thing. Instead of nagging him to fix XYZ, I'll do it myself. But as far as meeting people and making friends....that is a challenge. I looked at meetup.com, and didn't find a group I felt brave enough to join. I signed up for a running training program that starts on Saturday, but I'm not sure how to form friendships from these people. I did this program in the winter with a (mutual of ours) friend and found that when he wasn't around, I'd absorb myself with my phone and avoid others, I was so awkward. I am scared that I'll do that again instead of trying to strike up conversations and make friends. Ugh.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/09/1612:37 AM. Reason: As per forum agreement do not mention other books and authors
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Do you want to stay married? I am not asking if you want to continue the same situation but do you want to be married to your H? Think about why ye got together, his good points, if ye can get past current problems can you see ye being happy?There are loads more questions bit in essence reflect deeply on that and be clear what you want.
This is a long draining process that will take all youhave to follow through. You need to be sure it is what you want, to find the motivation to do what is required.
You have found a good place, with loads of people who feel lost like you. Together we take steps towards healing, becoming stronger better people and ultimately a better chance of saving our Ms.
Best wishes. Keep posting
Click on the notify button and give the administrators details of your previous threads and maybe they can help you find them. Or use the search option here based on thread title or user name.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Welcome to the community. I think you will get support here. It is good that you are reaching out before a decision has been made to divorce.
It can be very challenging being in a long term relationship with a person who is opposite of our personality type. In my M, I am the extrovert and my H the introvert........so I understand the frustration it brings. Not to be discouraging by saying, only want you to realize that if the two of you stay M, it may become more difficult through the years if you are not able to make these differences work for you instead of against you.
When my H and I were dating, I saw him as being the strong, silent type of guy. Well, that challenged me to find out what made him tick. He was a little mysterious b/c he would not verbally express himself, and I was used to be around people who verbalized everything! So, we get M and that's when I discover the truth. The man just would not talk! Me? I am a talker, so trying to get him to talk about deeper issues than the weather, was hair-pulling frustration! How does a couple go through life together if they don't talk? I had no clue.
It took me many, many years and a river of tears........a ton of anger, much resentment, and growing disrespect, to find myself ready to walk out of my M. Not b/c of our differences, but b/c of the issues that were not resolved, the unfulfilled emotional needs, and unmet expectations. My attempts at trying to get my H to talk was seen as me b'tching and pressuring. Finally, I was fed up. I began to withdraw more and more. Long story short, I eventfully was enticed into the Internet chat world and had an A with another man. The DB board helped me tremendously, and today, I am still with my H. Oh, and in case you are wondering...........no, he has not changed. However, I have changed, I think. What I failed to realize was that I had been trying to change him all those years ago. He didn't want to change and he resented me pressuring him, so he had plenty of resentment, too.
Somehow, a couple has to learn how to appreciate their differences instead of resenting it. Before M, we had the whole attraction thing working for us..........and that seems to blind us from the negative side of those differences and/or how we will clash after M.
My H would never agree to attend MC! Even after my A, he would not go with me. Like I said, I understand the frustration. Here's the thing........it will not just get better in time. That's a false hope that leaves you empty and withered. The two of you are clashing b/c you are very different personalities. Some couple who are too much alike can't live together, either. I don't believe you just grow together b/c you are M to each other. It's more like you grow further apart and just live under the same roof. I have been that route and it is miserable!
You have a decision to make which will affect the rest of your life. If you stay in the M, you need to be willing to change yourself. Don't look at him and expect him to change. Why? B/c you are the one who is here............not him. You will have to be be willing to accept him, without changing him..........if you want to save your M.
FWIW, when we change, it usually influences our S more than any thing else we could try. It helps a lot if they compromise with us, but you may have a man who refuses to budge.
The romance can return. I have learned, however, that we need to improve other areas before we can experience the romantic feelings. If we focus on the feelings, first, it gets pretty muddy. Follow through with actions, first, and the feelings will catch up.
I suggest you make a list of things you could do to that shows you are trying to do things your H likes, at least, occasionally. I'm not saying to change who you are, but act as if you aren't M to him and want to get to know him and be with him. Isn't that what you did before marriage? You will still have time to do your thing and hang out at a friends house. If you want to save your M, you have to "give" till it hurts. He is different than you, and he wants you to come over to his world occasionally. Try it, and put on your happy face, and see if you drop dead..............or if he does! . You may feel that you might, but just do it anyway.
Work on that list of things you are willing to do to give your M the chance it needs to make it in the long haul.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Do you want to stay married? I am not asking if you want to continue the same situation but do you want to be married to your H? Think about why ye got together, his good points, if ye can get past current problems can you see ye being happy?There are loads more questions bit in essence reflect deeply on that and be clear what you want.
This is a long draining process that will take all youhave to follow through. You need to be sure it is what you want, to find the motivation to do what is required.
You have found a good place, with loads of people who feel lost like you. Together we take steps towards healing, becoming stronger better people and ultimately a better chance of saving our Ms.
Best wishes. Keep posting
Click on the notify button and give the administrators details of your previous threads and maybe they can help you find them. Or use the search option here based on thread title or user name.
I don't know if I want to stay married honestly. I think that's why I need to find a therapist. I am unsure if there is enough there to make it worth it. I get annoyed by him, but he's also stuck with me through some rough times with my diagnosis and all it caused. He's reliable, he's faithful, in spite of our sex-starved status. At least, to my knowledge he is. I don't know if it's fair to him or myself to maintain a marriage where we are more friends than anything else. Nor do I think it's fair to either of us to maintain a marriage because of financial hardship or potential loneliness. I don't know how to begin to tease that out.
sandi2, thank you, that is very helpful. There are things we used to do together that he says I don't want to do anymore. We used to hike and try to catch frogs or turtles (we both love animals and nature). We both had interest in paleontology (him moreso than me), and would go fossil hunting. We both liked to garden. This year our yard is an overgrown mess. The one place i can't "enter" in his world is bars. I dislike them, and don't feel comfortable in the environment. That's his thing, and I'd be totally fine with his spending as much time there as he does, if I didn't worry about the fact he never goes with a DD, and I worry he might drive when he shouldn't. This, money, and the lack of romance are the worst. But yes, I agree that I am the only one who can change, and I need to make my peace with that being all that WILL change. And if it's worth it to make all this effort without his being on board. I don't know if he's in it at all anymore. I feel as though if I try to hug or kiss him, it's uninvited. I hate calling him because I'm bothering him (I feel). Yes, I know it's my interpretation, but these are the things make lead to my unease and avoidance. Again, thank you for your input!
. You may feel that you might, but just do it anyway.