I'll give you the ones I believe had the most impact in order:
1. * Rekindle R with son... 2. Making the bed daily... 3. Wearing body spray and cologne at all times... 4. GAL...
Interesting here, I don't have a son, but directly relate to the other three. Making bed daily. This is something that Tim Ferriss actually turned me onto, and there's been tons of research done (there's a reason it's forced in the military), on how making your bed first thing in the morning can prompt you for a more productive and better day. Wearing cologne. Another one that I started about the time we started "structured separation". Even if I was in jeans/t-shirt, I always had my cologne on. The only thing she responded to on this was "you used to never wear cologne for me." I just say, "welp, I'm sorry you had to deal with who I was back then, but I'm wearing cologne daily now.". She shrugs... GAL. My GAL activities so far have been received as selfish, and like I'm leaving her in the dust...
I'm sure each sitch is different, and each spouse is at different levels in the WW'ness, anger, emotions, etc. It seems like you're doing all the right things. Keep it up!
More importantly, the silver lining in ALL of this mess, is that you, Coconut, can do some soul searching and become the man you have always wanted to be--this sitch has made you more vulnerable than ever and is forcing you to look deep down within and be a better man. Maybe you would have never had to do that without this. Just a thought. -Blu Blu, I'm so glad I read your message this morning. This, above, is what it's all about. Of all the pain, hurt, anger, worry, fear, etc... it's easy to miss the hidden egg, golden opportunity that's right in front of our eyes. And you're dead on, when we are married, happily/unhappily, we are constantly basing every single small decision with another person in our mind. How it will affect them, etc. This is our chance to dig deep, as you say, and figure out what it truly is we want to become in life. Who we want to be. What is our purpose?
More importantly, the silver lining in ALL of this mess, is that you, Coconut, can do some soul searching and become the man you have always wanted to be--this sitch has made you more vulnerable than ever and is forcing you to look deep down within and be a better man. Maybe you would have never had to do that without this. Just a thought. -Blu
Originally Posted By: betterm
Blu, I'm so glad I read your message this morning. This, above, is what it's all about. Of all the pain, hurt, anger, worry, fear, etc... it's easy to miss the hidden egg, golden opportunity that's right in front of our eyes. And you're dead on, when we are married, happily/unhappily, we are constantly basing every single small decision with another person in our mind. How it will affect them, etc. This is our chance to dig deep, as you say, and figure out what it truly is we want to become in life. Who we want to be. What is our purpose?
You are so smart to recognize the huge downside to exposing her A to the fire station. It may have felt good in the moment, but the ripple effect isn't worth it.
Healing from infidelity is difficult to put it mildly.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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Why do I find myself so drawn to your thread :-) Perhaps because your sitch is unfolding right before our eyes better than any tv drama, you are an example of how DB can work, or maybe it's because you remind me so much of myself---you keep screwing up, acting on emotions, but then quickly learn that doesn't work and then swing too far in the other direction. It's as if you are the perfect example of what to do and also what not to do. I say this with nothing but love.
-Blu
TV Drama or train wreck, I think both analogies would fit at times. I have struggled several times with posting some information, because I feel so grateful with how much time and effort so many people (especially Sandi2 and Wonka) have spent trying to help me to do the right thing, that I'm afraid to admit when I mess up.. But I also realize how helpful it is for others to read about the mess ups and the outcome of those actions, so I've committed to being fully transparent.
I am still working on me, and I did a good job of not acting on triggers yesterday. The OM liked a pic of my wife she put on instagram, I recognized the flare up of my emotions when I saw that he did that, I took 10 minutes and calmed myself down, realized there is nothing she can do about that (you can't stop someone from following you on instagram).
Anyway, she made the comment the other day that she expects a lot of ups and downs, and she is committed to working through those as long as we work through it with just us, and not "post" our problems for other peoples viewing (referring to fire station chat and facebook).
I have told her that I use "A" website for support and to help work through my emotions, but she understands its anonymous and didn't try and get any information on it. I only use my work computer and my iPad to sign on here, and the iPad I use the private setting for internet so it doesn't keep any information on the site and I always close the tab once done.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Anyway, she made the comment the other day that she expects a lot of ups and downs, and she is committed to working through those as long as we work through it with just us, and not "post" our problems for other peoples viewing (referring to fire station chat and facebook).
I forgot to finish my thought on this. So when she said this, it clicked in my head that it doesn't need to be a quick fix, that she is in it for the long haul, and I can actually take the time needed to make the fixes that are needed to make it a long lasting healthy relationship..
From day 1 of my sitch you can see that I am a very inpatient person, but I feel like I'm in a good spot right now, one that if remained stagnant for awhile I would be ok with where we are, and can take the time I need without worrying about what she is doing, and of course it helps that I believe she isn't going anywhere.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
A quick fix is like a band aid. Eventually it falls away.You are right to realise that true healing is required and that takes time.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Just curious what you decided about posting an apology to the FF chat board?
p.s. Never be afraid to admit when you mess up. Everyone does it, sooner or later. There is a reason for mess ups in our life. One is to keep us humble. Two, to remember we are human being with faults. Three, so we won't be so judgemental toward others. Four, so we won't get too confident or lazy and stop trying to be better. Five, so others won't detest us for being perfect.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
p.s. Never be afraid to admit when you mess up. Everyone does it, sooner or later. There is a reason for mess ups in our life. One is to keep us humble. Two, to remember we are human being with faults. Three, so we won't be so judgemental toward others. Four, so we won't get too confident or lazy and stop trying to be better. Five, so others won't detest us for being perfect.
Humility is a such a positive quality to have, and yet, so many of us look at it in a negative way. It shows we aren't afraid to express our authenticity, nor are we afraid responsibly own up to our faults when that authenticity fails us. Taking ownership and being responsible for our decisions, albeit it right or wrong, is a great standard to hold ourselves to.
Just curious what you decided about posting an apology to the FF chat board?
p.s. Never be afraid to admit when you mess up. Everyone does it, sooner or later. There is a reason for mess ups in our life. One is to keep us humble. Two, to remember we are human being with faults. Three, so we won't be so judgemental toward others. Four, so we won't get too confident or lazy and stop trying to be better. Five, so others won't detest us for being perfect.
I'm not sure how I confused everyone, but it was not a letter to post in the chat, it was a hand written letter I was writing directly to the station captain. He told my wife that only a few fire fighters saw the message and he was going to speak to them directly about not gossiping, and told my W that private business needs to stay out of the firehouse. That they don't do drama.
He also told her that he understands the struggles marriages incur due to the rigorous schedule of the academy, that he doesn't want her to quit, but that he also doesn't want her to divorce just to stay. The captain even offered to have a station barbecue so that all the spouses could come and meet the firefighters at the station and see how the dynamics are. Basically he showed empathy to both her and I, and offered to do what he could to help out.
Ps- I've messed up so much that the fear of telling has kind of numbed now
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
