if only I didn't do certain things just a few weeks ago we would still be a family.
Doubtful. If it wasnt that specific event, it would have been something else.
Pick yourself up and continue to work on correcting your issues. The fall of your marriage was not 100% your fault. Fix your 50%. You cant control or clean up her 50%...only she can.
Thanks guys, I'm just totally crazy right now. Trying to calm myself and stop beating myself up. I need to let go of this guilt, I don't know how to do it other than writing right now.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
if only I didn't do certain things just a few weeks ago we would still be a family.
Doubtful. If it wasnt that specific event, it would have been something else.
Pick yourself up and continue to work on correcting your issues. The fall of your marriage was not 100% your fault. Fix your 50%. You cant control or clean up her 50%...only she can.
darknes is correct. I recall the feelings that if only I had not done certain things during the month that led up to the BD that I would not be in this situation. But close evaluation of it all and I know that the crash course had been set up over a number of years. And I know that one can not undue so much. We did the best we could with what we had and knew. Learn from that. Forgive yourself. Build a new you from what you have learned. She must do the same, but that is not on you.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Spent Wed and Thurs with the kids, I’m still an emotional wreck but trying to keep it together and not let them see. My kids are young and are a handful, so in a sense they are a good distraction while also being a constant reminder. Dropped them off at school on Friday morning, came home and spent the morning preparing for first meeting with the lawyer - mainly financial information he may ask for, and some questions I had about moving forward with the petition. My brother came with me. I’m living with my brother right now, and his attitude towards what is going on with us has evolved from - wanting to put in a good word for me with her and wanting us to get back together, to absolutely hating my W at this point for what she is doing to me and my kids. At this point my brother is mainly concerned that I am protecting my financial interests. I ask my brother to accompany me to the meeting with my lawyer, because I’m not thinking straight right now and I need someone I trust to be an extra set of ears in case I miss something or make a bad decision.
The lawyer meeting went really well - it is in fact, the only thing that has gone well in the past several weeks. At the very least - if things go totally south, I’m no longer freaking out about the possibility of losing full custody of my kids or losing my money in a lopsided financial settlement. My lawyer is pretty expensive - but he’s a shark, which is I guess what you want. He basically says - this is very clearly a 50 50 case. That I will get 50% custody of the kids, along with a 50% financial settlement - and maybe even get to keep the house depending on how much our business is evaluated for. This is a huge weight off my shoulders, a huge weight off my brothers shoulders too. He says - no matter what happens, I’m no longer worried about you losing custody of the kids or having to pay huge alimony, or losing your house. So financially and custody wise I’m good.
Emotionally, I’m still pretty much a wreck. I’ve been reading DR, journaling, meditating, trying to get myself together. It’s 72 hours since I got the papers - the initial, absolute panic has subsided - it has been replaced by a sadness and a sense of dread and fear that everything seems to be moving so fast. It has only been a little more than a month since I left the house to stay at my brothers, and only a week and a half since she last said she was ready to start going to marriage counseling. Since she said she was ready to start going to marriage counseling she has suddenly completely changed her mind and is now plowing ahead with her lawyers with the legal motions. My head is spinning. On top of everything, I have to deal with seeing my kids again after 3 weeks and how thats eating me inside emotionally. I have to deal with my highly stressful job that I still have to pay attention to. I am still sleeping on my brother’s couch. Just 4 weeks ago, I was at home, with my head in my wife’s lap watching tv, happy sleeping children in the next room and all was right with the world. Now my world is upside down, I can’t go back to my own home again, and the person I love and trust the most has become a cold vindictive stranger to me.
I binge watch tv shows (Sherlock, House of Cards), I go for long walks and work out at the gym, I read the DR book, I go to 12 step meetings and see my therapist now several times a week. I try to concentrate on work. There is a lot of talk about ‘becoming a better person’. Well I’m sober and going to 12 step meetings, that’s better. I don’t lie anymore, about anything, that’s better. I’m a more attentive and loving father, that’s better. I’m closer to my friends and family. That’s progress.
Do I still have hope for a reconciliation? I have less, and I have less love for my ex after all she’s done. That hope has been replaced with a sense of self preservation, I have to think about protecting my interests in the divorce proceedings. I just don’t want things to get any uglier than they already have.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Hi qt4, Thanks for reaching out to me. Yes, our situation is very similar indeed. I would like to say this. 1. Divorce is not bad, in fact divorce is the cure because marriage is the problem. Commingling love, money and the government is not a good idea and should have been avoided in the first place. The pressure of marriage builds up year after year and it looks more and more like a prison, especially to women I believe, so don't be mad that you are getting divorce, instead be happy that it's happening. 2. I think that you smoked marijuana because of the pressure from your wife and from the marriage. Now that that pressure is gone, you can stay without smoking and your life has become much more positive and you are a much more positive person as well. Living separately is making you much more self sufficient and you can be yourself again without compromise. Again, look at the divorce as a positive thing that is happening to you, keep smiling and things will improve. 3. If you can preserve your assets and have shared custody it's perfect and can't complain about it. 4. The relationship with your ex will be restored only if you are patient enough for her to come back to her senses and for her to initiate it. In the meantime you must be strong enough to resist temptation to start a new relationship with another woman. Tell the kids that you won't be looking for another woman and that you will simply wait for mommy to come back to you. That will give them emotional stability and it will help them in the future when they'll be facing with such problems. 5. A midlife crisis can last between 2 and 5 years, don't forget that and be prepared that your wife might even initiate a relationship with another man. If that happens you need to remain cool and unmoved like a rock. You are the man, you are the mountain in your relationship, you are the stable person. It doesn't matter what your wife does, you are there for the long run and you care first and foremost about the children.
You are in as good a place as one could hope for at this point. You are handling it well all things considered.
Smart to have your brother accompany you with l. 50/50 divorces really take some weight off the mind. You are doing all of the right things to heal and progress. I would suggest adding some social interactions to your GAL as this will help you see life after all of this. Your list of progression is phenomenal and one you should have written down in a place that you can reference in tough moments.
Here is some additional information that I found helpful that you may add to your plan for healing and strength.
Check out Ted Talks by, Guy Winch Shawn Achor Brent Brown Matthieu Ricard Mindful Meditation has benefited me in controlling my thoughts.
Keep on the path you have journaled here. You are headed in the right direction. The road will contain more obstacles, but with each passing day that you put in the heavy lifting to heal, you will be more prepared.
Many LBS could learn a thing or two from you and your example. You have embraced so many good plans of action and habits in such a short time and this is why you will come out on the other side, strong, healed, a better person and a great dad.
Keep up the good work my friend.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
