Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The Unpleasantness

When I have my Fri meeting with the lawyers I will ask about this again - really, no MC but they can tell me what I can write in text messages? At the time I was still in shock and just signed it to get out of that room. But ... honestly, the more I think about it - 'mandated MC' - that won't work. MC never works unless both parties are there voluntarily.




This is the first time I've heard this. She has friends who (I think) had abusive exes who were in the same situation - so she may have had some idea about this. I just think my W is a very smart and quick thinking woman. What does bother me is - the whole circumstances around the court order are bogus as I've never laid a hand or been threatening to her in my life. And even now - I am being treated like a menace to society. It is frustrating and hurtful and unfair to me. I still can't get over how I just went through that whole ordeal because I *raised my voice*, and someone called the police to say 'they felt frightened', someone who knows me better than that. Honestly I feel wronged, like someone who was wrongly accused of a crime.

And now she has limited my communication with her and my ability to even see her - as if I'm a danger. And to think that my wife is portraying me as if I'm some kind of abusive guy! It is a horrendous ordeal to have to go through, I don't think anyone can appreciate this unless they have gone through it.




Thank you. You don't know how much it means to me when somebody believes me when I tell my story - instead of automatically assuming that the woman is not exaggerating.




I know DB is the best of these types of counseling services for people in my situation, that's why I have signed up.

I go through moments of fatalism where I don't think it will work out, mainly when I think of how far this has gone already. It is insane to me to think about it. But I am committed to doing everything to save my R, even at this point - because of my kids and (what love I still have left) for my W. I want to walk away from this knowing I have acted with integrity and did everything, regardless of the outcome.

Sandy - the more I think that she may have planned it, the angrier I get. I have been dragged through the mud. I just googled about abuse of TOP's in custody or divorce cases to gain a strategic advantage. It's almost so convenient. It would explain why she is keeping up the charade at this point - avoiding me as if I'm some axe murderer.

As if I'm not already going through so much hell right now, thinking of R or D. I am so confused right now.

I also have to agree with what Sandi says here about it being planned out well in advance.

And if she is giving false statements about you to the police (which I also believe to be true) then I would keep the interactions regarding the kids to either email or text so you can have documentation of the conversation.

If it does require a phone call or face to face interaction then secretly record your conversation so you have documentation of that as well. That was advice given to me early on in my situation that paid HUGE dividends later on.

Keep working those 12 steps. Sounds like you're killing it!

Yeah they weren't exactly false statements but they were HUGE exaggerations and mis characterizations



The only one that is true is the last (I am dumb for doing this I know). The rest are huge exaggerations made by a hysterical woman. I am still in shock that I could be prevented from going home or seeing my kids for a month for 'raising my voice' or 'standing in a doorway' - if that was the case half my building should be arrested.

betterman77?
...I didn't know I had a doppelganger around here. hi there.

I had my kids last Fri - Mon morning, and today through Friday morning. I’m so glad to see them, but it was as difficult as I thought. I can’t help hugging them and telling them I love them. They fill my heart with joy, but at the same time I’m filled with a deep sadness and regret. They are so innocent. I don’t even have the words to express to them what I want to say. So I just hug and kiss them, and pay a lot of attention to them. On the one hand, this whole situation may wind up bringing us closer in a way - with everything going on and not being able to see them part of the time, I really focus on them when I have the chance. Before when they said - dad watch this youtube video, I would only pay passing attention, now that youtube video is the most important thing I should be paying attention to. I put them to sleep at night and hug them when they’re asleep. I’m dying inside, it’s very hard for me to keep it together. When they are not with me, I see men and couples walking with their kids on the street and am filled with jealousy, because I’m thinking of everything I’ve lost.

Today I have to be around my wife. We are taking the kids to the passport office to renew their passports - both parents have to be there to do this. My wife has requested that she be accompanied by her best friend - apparently I’m a dangerous axe murderer and she is afraid to be around me. This is insulting, ridiculous - but my only reaction when I hear that she wants to bring her friend is - ‘I understand, ok no problem’. Her friend that will be there - it is safe to assume she is not on my side, in fact she has probably gone from being a friend to me to being my greatest detractor. I don’t know how much interaction I will have with my wife or her friend, and I’m bracing myself for putting my best self forward. My goal is - to be positive, cheerful, not bring anything up except what we have to do. If my wife or her friend ask me how I’m doing (this may happen) - I will say ‘I’m hanging in there. I’m just trying to be there to support my family’. And (if an opportunity presents itself for me to say this, I’m doubtful it will due to the terms of our visitation agreement and how it has limited my communication) I will also say this

I don’t blame <wife> for being skeptical of me, but I’m determined to make positive changes regardless of what happens between us, and am interested in being a better person and father.

Im worried that I was misunderstood. I am not automatically believing her story. In fact, I agree that it is very likely that she IS exaggerating.

My point was more that you are seeing the situation and judging it one way:
"I raised my voice a little out of panic and frustration with myself. I wanted to talk to her while she was in the bathroom so I stood in the doorway. I had no intention of hurting her, my children, or myself."

She could very well have felt threatened and trapped. Even if you didnt intend it, it's something that she could have been feeling. And if she was, telling her that it's ridiculous to feel that way is not going to do you any favors. Im not saying that you need to AGREE with her, but saying something is "unbelievable" is completely invalidating.

If she says "I felt threatened and scared", you could respond:
"I wasnt being threatening. There was nothing to be scared of."
-or-
"Looking back, I can see how I may have come across as threatening. Know that it was not my intention."

Do you see the difference? Im not saying the second one is a *perfect* response, but I think you can imagine the difference.



In any case, the point isnt necessarily about THIS issue in particular. I wonder about your history of communication with her. When she says how she is feeling, how do you handle it?

It will be much more effective to DO this rather than to SAY this.

Oh, you are correct! I just thought that sounded kind of odd about what the court would or wouldn't mandate, since I have heard differently.



You were wronged, IMO. As I previously stated, I've seen almost the identical story posted on the board.

FWIW, I was a WW and this board helped me in turning myself around. I have stayed on the board b/c of the influence it had in my life when I was a confused, frazzled, unhappy, very resentful, and disillusioned woman who felt completely dried up and dead on the inside. My marriage survived and we are still together today. So, I hope that is encouraging to know that a WW can find her way back.

Love reading your posts sandi2, even though I was served yesterday, and I continue to focus only on myself, something about your posts provide inspiration...and aspiration... Thank you.