Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers She's gone. Living in the now.

Thanks for all the advice. I'll email her today and then on with my life. I can't show her anything with actions as we have had no physical contact since March just this regular exchange of emails where I've tried to get her to honor her word. She uses it to try to meet me, something I don't want to do for all the reasons you said earlier Zues. I know she'll be happy to check in and see I'm still there etc.

'I've tried to get her to....'

This phrase always rings a few alarm bells with me.....remember you only get to control you and if there are concerns about how financials etc work, you can choose to formalise things from your end. Try and focus on what you can control and ask for what you want as 'trying to get X to....' Can be frustrating and fruitless I think.

I think in your sitch you are very keen to be seen as a nice guy - decent, honourable, reasonable...

But your W is living with someone else and to me there's every reason to put in place robust arrangements which protect you and your son.

Have you read 'No More Mr Nice Guy?'

Yes I have. Maybe it was a poor choice of words. I've said various times I have no idea about W's life now. I'm not interested unless things change which I doubt will happen. My only concern at the moment is S. I agree that I'm reluctant to go tolawyers yet as the relationship was cordial and I'd like to maintain that for S in spite of everything. I certainly don't think of myself as anything like saintly and I know I've missed opportunities and avoided hard truths, things which I regret now. Thanks for all the advice and support everyone has given. I'll keep posting and working on myself. Booked a couple of weeks for S and I back home with parents and have a few more ideas for the summer.

Been a quiet time emotionally. I've been busy at work and son at school. Father-in-law is quite seriously ill at the moment so I've exchanged some texts with W. She signs off with a kissy face which I ignore. Today I emailed about our dispute over finances. Basically she is finding reasons not to pay her half of things such as S's language exams suggesting I take it out of his savings. I'll reply tomorrow asking is that what she really wants me to tell our S. I express my surprise and disappointment that she isn't keeping her word about our son's support. The rest of my reply is a final attempt to solve things amicably. I'm sure we will as I'm willing to take less even though I still have a card for her account and she told me to take what I felt I should. The tone of her email was complaining about her expenses, her worries over her father but also saying she is tired with S's attitude towards her, complaining about other things ( not specified) and work. She finished with:
I hope you are fine and just to let you know that I miss you lots although I stand by my decision.
Too much information as I have n't talked about our R since January and never say miss you, love you etc.

Thanks for checking in Scrant.

I'd rethink the reply to her email. Asking "are you sure that's what you want me to tell S" comes across judgmental and critical. Nothing positive comes of that.

Instead control YOU. How you respond to it. You have choices. You can pay S's language exams out of pocket. (I just had this EXACT situation come up and I mentioned casually "I paid the enrollment because we don't have an official agreement in place on how we handle these situations, I'm sure we'll have something nailed down soon so we have a template to follow", this allowed me to do what was right for my S without acting as if I set a precedent that I'd just take it in the shorts perpetually.) You can take it out of his savings as she requested. You can not do the exams. Those are the choices. But trying to control her or influence her decisions with criticism and judgment is not going to be productive.

As for the emoji icons and back handed sweet talk, yeah, XW still does stuff like that. It is all about their internal narrative, the one in which they are good loving people, victimized by circumstances and forced to destroy a family. Like you I have been unresponsive. I'm sure in their mind that is fuel for the fire (they are trying to keep things amicable, we are being distant and hostile, etc). But their narrative doesn't mean a darn thing to me. Sure, we're the bad guys, they're the mature better people. Totally fine.

I just remind myself I only have to deal with this crap for a few minutes a month in an email. She has to live like that. I sleep soundly at night, thank you very much.

Hang in and keep posting.

Hi Scrant, yes I agree with Zeus and I don't think a reply to 'guilt' her is the way to go. I would just stick to business - how is this cash going to get paid and where will it come from? Always remember, you don't get to 'get' her to do anything. You just decide what you'll do and do it. Focus on what you can control and that will always serve you well I think.

Yes, I find the whole emoticon thing odd - I find it innappropriate given all circumstances. and I think it probably is the 'I'm a good person really and trying to keep things on a good footing' narrative. Best ignored I think. XH still uses his nickname for me. Whereas I switched to our actual names a while back. Not for any kind of effect, just that it felt odd to me to use them. I used them when we were together and now we aren't.

In general, I would think relying on a former 'gentlemans agreement' may be a cheeseless tunnel and as time goes on you may want to consider nailing down some of these financial aspects in a S agreement perhaps?

Just my thoughts anyway Scrant & take care. Do you have your fun summer plans in place?? Xx

Thanks guys. I've rewritten the email to make it more neutral and pratical in tone whilst still being friendly. No idea what to make of her last comments. Seem a bit contradictory to me but I won't overthink it.

As for the summer it is slowly coming together. I've got three things to look forward to. I don't know if S is going to spend anytime with W. All a bit up in the air but I'll play it by air.

I've had a busy week at work. I'm waiting to find out if I've been promoted in my part time job, it has been nice to be recognized. I've booked up a couple of breaks for S and myself in the summer and I am thinking of a third. I completed my first half marathon, exhausted but satisfied. Last night I went out with friends and have a lunch planned for Saturday.
As for W, we've resolved our financial situation for the moment. I still have her email phrase in my head"I hope you are fine and just to let you know that I miss you lots although I stand by my decision." I've asked her to go shopping for clothes with S (something she loves) as he needs some for a wedding. She's arranged to have lunch with him today. She texted me to ask if I wanted to come too. I replied no thanks, enjoy some time with S. She has texted back asking " Are you ok? You never want to see me....." Don't know how to respond to that..

In the end I just replied No, I'm fine and gave her some news about S at school.