Randy, Welcome to my thread I am looking forward to answering your questions. I have thought these questions through all day and I have to admit you stumped me for a while.
Quote: My W is so sure right now she wants D and doesn’t love me anymore. She also feels she will never love me again. I would like to get some insight as to what she may be thinking if anything.
Reading this line puts me back in time.
Quote: I am curious about some of your feelings in the beginning ie, when you were with OM, did you have any intention of reconciliation with H? Did you feel at that time that you loved your H or OM? Did you think about H? Did H think about you? If you know other feeling H went thru then I would be interested in that also.
I too was so sure I wanted a D, I did not love my H (possibly never did), I wanted nothing to do with him. I would never be able to trust him or myself again and I would never love him again. I needed affection, love, support, understanding, communication, trust, everything I was sure he could not or never did give me. I just wanted to move on with my life and finally be happy. I had no idea this wish would make me miserable for years to come. What I thought would make me happy made me sick (physically sick). About a month after my H finally agreed to the D I started having second thoughts, wondering if I was doing the right thing, etc. Being very honest here... When I was with OM, I did my best to leave stbxh hanging on. I wanted my cake and wanted to eat it too. The sad thing is that I knew how much my XH loved me and I completely took advantage of it. If he would call and I was with Om I was very ugly to him but if he would call and I wasn't with OM or if Om and I were in a fight I would be as sweet as could be to him. Tell him how much I loved him and how much I missed him, how I wanted to work on us again. We tried 1/2 heartedly several dozen times to reconcile during the year it took for our D to be final. The most amazing thing happened the first time OM and I got into an argument I missed my H. My relationship with OM was fun, spontaneous, and a constant party. He would take me out, show me off then I/we would go home. I was his arm candy, he treated me like a precious jewel. When I was not being played with or shown off I was put on a shelf and pampered. We were not supposed to fight or argue like couples do. If I wanted to do that I would go back to my H. The first fight OM and I had made me realize how much I missed my H. I tried to get away from OM and was successful for the first few days until XOm would call just to tell me he was thinking of me (how sweet I thought).
I thought about how wonderful H was when I was with OM, but I never thought of how wonderful OM was when I was with H, yet time after time I would run back to OM. Strange huh? I now know I did not love OM, I loved the idea of having a R that consisted of going out, never being serious, not arguing, not having to worry about someone getting too close to me. My dream was to never have to worry about having another broken heart, love hurt and I was determined to do everything in my power to make sure I did not get hurt again. Xh and I have had conversations about his feelings and what he experienced during the last few years. His were much of the same feelings as the feelings I experienced. He was angry, blamed his-self for the failure of our M. He too was torn between the Party R (with Ow) and the real life R (with me). He was scared and was skeptical as to what he was going to do. From what he tells me, he knew ,almost instantly, when he and Ow bought their house that he wanted to be with me, he was scared he let me get away.
I am not sure if I have ever shared when or what caused me to get serious about getting my R & M back... The day I decided I did not want to live with out my H any longer was September 11, 2001. Yes, that’s right the day the planes ran into the New York buildings. I was at work staring at the TV, watching all the faces of the spouses and friends of the people who were trapped under the ruble. The looks on their faces, not knowing if their loved ones were dead or alive woke me up. As I looked at the people on the TV, I saw myself. After work I went to the bookstore for hours, looking through every self help book I could find. Luckily, I found DR. This book changed my life.
You know how I said earlier that I knew exactly how much STBXH loved me and I took advantage of that? Well, sometimes I feel as though he will never be able to love like that again, That the S & D hurt him bad and he built walls around his heart never to be torn down. Our R is stronger than it has ever been and I am excited we have a chance to have a wonderful R & M. Granted he is a little standoffish but I can’t blame him for that! I am being cautious as well.
Randy, I hope I answered some of your questions.
About his house, I believe it is a done deal, the retired couple is going to purchase it which leaves us free to buy the house we want. Hurray
Hugs and Prayers
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
mylittlehalo, Thank you so much for responding. My sitch is not exactly like yours but it is close. Your response gives me more hope. I'm having a hard time keeping hope.
My W left for married OM. i think she thought there may be a future with him. I think he has broken it off or is going to. I thought this might stop my D but she wants it even more now. She says she cares about me but not in love with me and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. She is very convincing.
She wants no contact, not even email. She won't bring our GD over because she would have to see me. I think it is because she feels guilty when she sees me. I would like to think it is because she starts having feelings for me when she sees me.
I think she feels she is in love with OM. I have been dark for 5 weeks with the exception of calling her 2 weeks ago. Went ok but still had some R talk.
Our anniversary is next Wed. and the D will probably be final next week. She tries hard to not give me any encouragement (her words) Sometimes I get the feeling she wouldn't mind talking if we don't talk R. She started the R talk last time and I didn't do a good job of staying off the subject.
Anyway I wanted to bring you up to speed. We are dark now. I have no plans to call or acknowledge the anniverary, however her birthday is jul 26 and right now I plan to get her something as a friend. That may change between now and then
I'm the type of guy that doesn't forget birthdays, holidays, or any special occasion. She loves getting cards and presents but not from me anymore.
I got her a teddy bear for valentines (1 week after she left.) and up until 5 weeks ago she kept it on her mirror where she could see it every day. It still may be there I just have not been to her house since then.
Anyway any advice you have I will appreciate. Thanks again.
PS I have lost 65 pounds and am lean and trim. The last time she saw me I had lost 48 pounds. Everyone says I'm going to blow away.
I think a lot of WAS wind up realizing at one point they may have made amistake and see their lives as being more miserable once their wish has been granted. The key, however, is whether they have the humility to recognize their fault and responsibility, and the strength to face their own demons.
In your case, you had both and I think that you and your H are headed for many, many happy years together.
Your story does bring hope to those of us who have been divorced. But, as we all know, it takes two to make it work. As I've been telling others, it's OK to keep the hope if you want to, but don't confuse it with expectations.
Who knows, maybe my XW will "wake up" one day. She clearly looks more miserable and the kids are gravitating towards me more and more. Her daily routine is undoubtedly more stressful and she is just about flat broke living with her mother. But I don't think she'll ever have the strength to admit that she made a mistake and, unfortunately, our kids will always be robbed of "what should have been."
I want to say "thanks halo" for telling your story, it gives me a new way to look at this. I believe my H has been fence sitting. Between Oct-Dec he was here 3-4x a wk! Coming to holidays and even came over and ate supper one night. In oct we went golfing with another couple.
I think they ARE unsure but have too much pride to admit they are unhappy or have hurt us, or that they have made a mistake!
Quote: I think a lot of WAS wind up realizing at one point they may have made a mistake and see their lives as being more miserable once their wish has been granted. The key, however, is whether they have the humility to recognize their fault and responsibility, and the strength to face their own demons.
oh yes!That was me, it came to me last June! Unfortunatly my H now wants the D...
But the insight you all are putting on this thread is very valuable! I want to thank all who contribute in helping the rest of us that are struggling!
Have to go see the att today, the settlement begins. That idiot actually thinks that I want this D! What a moron! Some people only "see" what they choose to see!
Thanks for the very insightful post. YOu guys are so blessed to be given another chance. I will keep you guys in my prayers. You both have the tools to do it right this time.
I just reread my post and I forgot a very important detail... I pursued STBXH/XH more than ever when I thought I had lost him to Ow. I would call him for any reason I could think of: Everything from asking him to watch the dog for the weekend, asking him where I should get my oil changed, wishing him happy b-day, etc. One time that is very funny is, I called him to ask him what color shoes I should wear with an outfit he had bought me before the S. Of course I did all this before I found DR. I look back and realize how every one of my calls pushed him further away from me.
One thing is for certain that once I quit calling xh, I mean really quit calling XH, it did not take long before he was calling me just to chat. Telling me about his work, family and such. XH and I stayed in contact with each other after the D was final. I think that answers the questions fully now!
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Randy, I just read your entire thread in surviving the big d. {{{{{{Randy}}}}}} You have gone through so much since Feb. I can see why you are exhausted! You are right out sitchs are a lot alike. You only know the 1/2 of it. My Hugs and prayers are with you!! I want to know more about what is going on. where is your new home???
I do see lots of growth from the beginning to now. Congrats on this.
Hacker, Thanks for your encouragement!! It make the bad days easier when you know you have so many people fighting with you in your corner.
I have to disagree with you on one point you made. I know its a little early in our friendship to disagree. LOL You said
Quote: Your story does bring hope to those of us who have been divorced. But, as we all know, it takes two to make it work. As I've been telling others, it's OK to keep the hope if you want to, but don't confuse it with expectations.
I am very glad my story gives hope but I do not agree that it takes two. IMHO it only takes one person to initiate the changes. you know the saying for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction. I do agree with not confusing hope with expectations. In the Db game I have learned to expect nothing and give everything. Just wanted to give my opinion on this matter. Because I can honestly tell you that I was the one to make the first changes and I was the one who decided to not give up, XH just followed my lead.
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
