Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What Should I be doing (4)

I want to tell OM W for her sake, it's not about the OM at all. I don't care about him, but the OM W has only been married less than 2 years, I went on her facebook page to see who she was, she had posted something that mentioned having kids and her mother was all over having grandkids.. it makes me sad to think about her having kids with someone that cheats within the first 2 years of marriage. I assure you wanting to tell her is for her sake, not to hurt OM.

but that really doesn't matter, the $hit just hit the fan. we where in a meeting at work, it was boring so I went on facebook and my W had posted something that said exercise and tequila both make you look better, which do you choose. I went into the comments and a firefighter friend of hers said I choose!!! and they commented back and forth then my W commented "if it's not exercise in a gym we are talking about, I know what you would choose" ... then I think my W saw me on facebook so she went in and deleted a bunch of the comments.. I looked at her and then the texts started (this is bad).

her - What?
M - you really think the comments were appropriate?
W - Seriously, it was a joke
M - A married woman flirting is not a joke, it's totally in every way wrong.
W - That's disgusting! There was absolutely no flirting going on!
W - you seriously need to stop. It was a freaking joke. Not flirting. You just think that if I speak to someone from the opposite sex it's flirting which is ridiculous.

M - then why delete it, talking about sex with a man is flirting
W - Ugh, I can't even with you! I deleted it because I knew you would overreact & act ridiculous.
M - and what else do you delete, great [censored] way to earn my trust.
W - LOL
M - talking about sex, and I'm over reacting
W - I'm not talking about sex! I don't delete [censored]. That was one freaking joke that I knew would cause you to overreact, this is so ridiculous

M - I know you delete other stuff, I've seen it
W - lol, ok
M - what is dick heat (a text from fake boob friend she deleted)
W - what are you talking about, I have no idea. What is it?
M - you deleted the text, I have no idea what it is, I can only guess.
W - Lol, there was never any text that said anything about dick heat. Ive never heard of such a thing.

(this is where I started DBing

M - if your not going to respect the sanctity of marriage, then you need to get out of it. Cause im not willing to be married to someone who isn't (shoulda stopped here)

W - Your full of [censored] at this point. Making things up.
W - Listen I didn't do anything wrong. If me joking pissed you off then I'm sorry but you are making way more out of it then there is. This is beyond ridiculous. It was a [censored] joke.
W - I guess I won't joke anymore because you are too freaking sensitive

M - It was a sex joke... There seems to be a lot of that with you two
W - Henry is gross. He's harmless & jokes around with everyone. You are making way too much out of this.
M - No I'm not, you know where we are and the fact that you can't even stop yourself in this fragile time lets me know how you feel.. actions speak louder than words

W - I can't stop myself from what extactly? Joking? Seriously?
M - About sex with guys, it's no joking, it's flirting. If you wanna do that you need to be single
W - I AM NOT FLIRTING WITH HIM!!! that is ducking GROSS!!! He is disgusting!!!

M - Cause lord knows you don't wanna joke with your husband (oops)
M - Don't you get it, it's not the person, it's your mindset.
W - My husband stalks me and picks fights with me & overreacts. That's why we don't joke

FORGIVE ME DB Friends for what I'm about to text
M - Your husband wants to know if your f'n other guys so he can get the f away from you if you are

W My mindset is, I was just having a laugh. Not a whole lot of deep thoughts went in to a f'n joke since it meant absolutely nothing.

(to be continued)

W - I'm not f'n anyone & I never have but you can get the f away from me if you'd like
M - My guess this started with innocent joking too, then went to reserved only for you... Not very funny to me (picture of her text with OM when she said whats under my underwear is reserved only for you)
M - then you say you want to work on us, give you space, so I try but in the meanwhile you continue joking
M - so no, I don't think I'm over reacting

(really goes down hill from here)
M - I think we need to call a realtor
W - I'm not calling a realtor. It's not happening
W - Sorry that I upset you, I really am but you are completely wrong in this situation. It was a joke, nothing more
W - If you want to move out then I can't stop you but I'm staying in that house until Son leaves for college & that's not up for discussion.
W - I won't joke around anymore since it obviously upsets you
M - it's not joking, it's your total lack of respect for me, I won't stand for it.
M - then you need to figure out how to get $ to buy me out
(gonna leave some of this out, but basically says I'm a scumbag because I would make my son move his last two years of highschool, I say that it's just a house, he's gonna be more upset about not living with me)

W - I'm a fn incredible mother! I made a mistake which was mostly caused by the shitty husband you've been for the last 2 years but I never thought you would do this. Eyes wide open.

W - i'll pay you your half over time. You will get everything that's coming to you, I promise.
M - R you seriously threatening me
W - WTF are you talking about
M - You will get everything that's coming to you, sounds like a threat to me
W - Are you dumb? I sadi you would get the money over time.
W - All this over a harmless joke. That's really a shame.
M - All this about me wanting to trust you.. And you doing things that make me believe I can't

then silece for 5 minutes

W - I'm sorry that you feel as if I disrespected you. That was in no way my intention. There is absolutely no reason to think anything is not any way, shape or form with him. It was seriously just a joke. It was on FB so it's not like I'm trying to hide the joke. If I thought that it was inappropriate or if something was going on why would I joke with someone on an open forum. I mean really, think about it for a second. The fact that I joked with him in the open should tell you theres nothing to worry about. If I was doing something wrong then I wouldn't do something to call your attention to it.

W - The fact of the matter is there is nothing going on with anyone at all. I've apologized to you for one horrible mistake that I made yet it seems as if it's your mission to make me pay for it for the rest of my life.

W - Your actions make me stand offish towards you.

W - Nothing else but you keep creating something that's just not there.

Obviously that should said stopped DBing, not started...

Heaven knows I'm not an expert, and I haven't had to deal with an EA, but it seems to me that over the last couple of days you have driven off the rails.

Your reaction to the FB comments seems over the top to me, as does taking the comment about getting what was owed you as a threat.

I just worry that in two weeks, you're going to regret sabotaging what seemed like really promising piecing.

I don't know what you ultimately want out of your situation, but your emotions and fears seem to be in the driver's seat here. In a lot of ways your W seems to be sincere about putting some effort in, but at the same time a lot of the wounds you gained are obviously still very raw and emotions seem to bursting out.

I feel like you may want to do some damage control and hit the brakes a bit ASAP... perhaps mention to your W that you are still dealing with a lot of pain and pent-up emotions and you realize you are reacting very emotionally right now and want some time to cool off so you can talk with a clearer head. I don't know the exact words, but when you are running so high on emotions it's probably time to take a step back and not do anything else rash.

So are you guys saying that I'm wrong in thinking that a wife that was having an A less than month ago should not be joking about sex with male friends that I don't even know??? That confuses me, I'm not saying I handled it well, but when trust is an issue I would expect that she would be careful to not step outside the bounds of what's appropriate...

And she says that it was just a joke and she doesn't see why it would bother me, but she deleted it not knowing I'd already seen it. Why delete it if she didn't think there was anything wrong with it? And why delete other texts if she's trying to gain trust... Giving someone access to censored material isn't any access at all.

Coconut,

This is a spectacularly B-A-D DBing for sure.

What I am seeing here is that you let your own internal fears, insecurities, and anxiety build up over the last several days UNTIL seeing that FB post push you over the edge thus firing off those really, really awful texts to W.

What that a smart thing to do here, buddy?

Really, I saw really good indications in your sitch and do see that W is really slowly warming up to you. The trouble is that YOU expect things happen on YOUR timescale. This is where you really ROYALLY f*cked up here. It is on you.

Didn't you learn a single thing from Sandi in her earlier post that it took her a good while to get the XOM out of her mind and system. It looks like patience is not your strong suit at all.

You really need to step back and learn patience. This is your Achilles heel right there.

Reading your texts really made me cringe, wince, and look away a few times. Utterly, completely painful to read.

You really need to SLOW down and remind yourself that this is a marathon...not a sprint.

All I see is that you are attacking W. What happened to validating and being a Cool Joe??!!

And texting isn't the ideal way to have a serious conversations on important matters. This is why we don't encourage texting for it usually mushrooms out of proportions with misunderstandings, misinterpretations and hurt feelings.

Step away. Stop this silly behavior. You're bouncing off the walls. It is on you.

If I were you, I would apologize to W and take ownership for your deep insecurities that have split out in wide open in a such spectacular fashion.

Again, did you ever read the two Gottman book recommendations I posted a while ago? If you had, ALL of this could have been avoided and you two would be well on your way to piecing.

What would you like to do here?

((((Coconut)))

We have a LOT of love for you here. You are really hurting and we all see this from our screens. I hurt for you, my friend.

Deep breaths. We will get through this together.

From where I stand, these are very legitimate concerns. She has to earn back your trust and should have said she was sorry rather than defending it. That said, it's not your concerns man, it's your anger. It took over completely. I've felt it myself, but the only one who hears it is my dog (I've told him sorry too lol).

I agree with Rose. This has been building inside your own brain, and waiting for the least the little thing to set off your explosion.

I am not saying her response did not have some undertones. My question is did you and your W discuss this when you were telling her what you would need from her in addition to transparency?

I think if she has always joked with others (including men on FB), then she probably thought nothing of what she said back to the guy. Truthfully, just based on what you quoted, I did not think it deemed the display of outcry it received from you.....and I am usually the one who is quick to say "no-no, this isn't appropriate".

As I said, I've have seen this building in you. Now you've opened up the floodgates, what are you going to do? My suggestion is to calm down, first of all. Make a decision that in the future you will not immediately contact your W about any messages you see, and you give yourself hours and hours to calm down before you fly off the handle. You could have presented it here before jumping her, and saved yourself a lot of regret. (I can identify with quick reactions, b/c it has always been a problem for me, too. However, it can sure make matters worse).

I think when you calm down that you should choose a good time to approach her and tell her why you flew off the handle and saw the FB message as flirtatious. As the DR book says, when both spouses have agreed to work on the M, the betrayed spouse should speak up and say what he needs from his W for reassurance.

Your trust was betrayed and you are raw with pain and mistrust. You are wanting to out the A to the W of OM......and not for a minute do I think it's just for his W's feelings. If it had not been with your wife, you wouldn't think of contacting the OM's W. It could be the final straw to your own M, so my advice is not to make any further moves right now.

I'm sorry, but I think you want revenge in some form. You want somebody punished for the betrayal, and OM is the one you want to suffer (which stands to reason) but how will it affect your own MR? If you had not had all of this on your mind for several days, I wonder if you would have exploded on your W.

You are just beginning to taste how difficult piecing can be. I strongly urge you to find an excellent family therapist who deals with healing from affairs. I think your W would have been willing to go with you. I don't know if she will now, but maybe. I'm afraid the two of you won't make it if you don't seek help. In this case, I'm afraid you will be the reason for the M not making it, instead of your W.

She knows you are angry and looking for her to stub her toe and a reason to get the heck out of Dodge. Now listen, when you thought she might want another man, you wanted her badly! You were ready to look the other way as long as the two of you weren't fighting, remember? And now......you feel like outing her about the A and threatening to leave over what you thought was a flirty FB message. ((hugs))

Wow Coconut!!!
I have a feeling once your emotions settle down you will see what happened there.
I completely felt like I was reading a text exchange between my W and I
I mean seriously exactly alike. It was like that between my and my W for so long. And I never really let it go. It's why I am here again. She was open, transparent, and did the things I asked to help me regain trust.
However because of my own control issues I could never really let it go.
It got to a point she would delete texts or be scared to show me her phone because I would over react to everything she said in texts, etc
In my mind I would think the worst. In hers she was just being herself.
See I'm learning that I was trying to create a dream W in my head. That my W would never do anything to put our marriage in jeopardy. That she would realize to what is most sacred to ME! Because in my mind I owned her. She was mine. I'm not saying you have the same issues I do, but I completely see some of that in your text to your W because it was me.
There are so many times now I see something on FB and I want to quickly text W, but I understand now that is not going to get what I want.
I instead am learning how to communicate from a place of what is really bothering me. So when I figure that out I do bring it up. And if I can't figure it out and I'm just angry because she isn't doing what I want her to, I realize that and let it go
It's not going perfectly, but it's taking a lot of patience and understanding my issues this time around
You are in a good place with your W. It's just gonna take some time
Hang in there