What is everyone thinking on exposure of EA/PA! My W plan seems to be tell everyone we have had amicable split and the pop up with EA/PA as new partner some time in the future?
What have I got to gain or lose?
Me: 40 W: 36 T21 M17 S12 D10 D10 ILYBNILWY EA happened. PA happened. June 2016 trying to piece our M and life's back together...
mmm you could be subtle about it. Print a t-shirt that says "Dont believe what the W Says, We're splitting because she is a slut"
No offense intended to you my friend. Just humour.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Sandi always says, don't cover up her affair. If she says it's amicable in front of you, then out her. If you do nothing, then you are implicitly condoning it and staying a doormat.
My STBXWW told someone on a group chat that we're trying to make things work, I immediately responded "so you think that spending your bday with another man and coming home at 10am the next day is trying to make your M work?" Safe to say, she's not tried that stunt again.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I only remember recommending in once, years ago (may have been one more but I don't remember it). I understand the purpose behind it, but I am not in favor of public exposure, if you plan to save your MR. Whenever I have tried to talk about it from the viewpoint of the WW, I have been criticized and told that nothing could be worse than what the WW has done by having an affair. I still believe that one can go too far in exposure. As I said, if she's going to be treated like the unfaithful W who was made to ride naked on a horse throughout the kingdom.......then I think that is too much. How many women do you know who would want to fall into the arms of the man who caused her so much shame and judgement from public opinion? So, all I can tell you is that some wounds are opened that can never heal, and I believe exposure can be a real stumbling block for the healing in the MR.
If the WW is so rebellious and brazenly flaunting her A in public, for all to bear witness.....and if the H decides not to try and save the M, then I suppose it really doesn't matter if wants to humiliate and shame her before the world.
I don't see the woman's betrayal being equal to public shame. Personally, I see her betrayal as several things, but her intent, usually, is not to bring shame to her H. Now, if things get quite ugly with him trying to force her to remain with him.....there's no telling what lengths she may go, but originally, I don't believe shame is her goal. Remember, she is reacting to something in her life when she begins an A. Usually, the MR is lacking in filling her emotional needs. Over time, resentment has continued to build within her heart, and the disrespect for her H. I know there are some exceptions in different cases, but I think these two things are in every woman who cheats. Of course, cheating is rebelling against her H & the marriage.
She may be angry, hurt, depressed, hopeless, or any number of things that add to the problem. There are probably some women who set out to be wild, or have an A (especially revenge affairs), etc. I just believe it would be very rare for a woman to do it with the purpose of shaming. An affair is based on emotional/physical gratification.
I strongly believe when the wife is wayward, tough love must be applied by the H. The more wayward the wife, the tougher the love has to be, in order for her terrible, rebellious spirit to become humble and remorseful. Otherwise, she is likely to remain bitter, with a rebellious attitude, openly disrespectful.....plus a number of other nasty attitudes.
I am probably stepping way out of a limb, and these are just my opinions. I think whenever shame is directed, instigated, or promoted from one spouse directly onto the other spouse......(depending on the degree), it can cause irreparable damages in their present attempts at reconciling, and any hope at having a happy, future relationship together. They may agree to live together, but there will always be that part that never heals. The spouse who committed adultery, will probably feel shame within themselves.....if they are remorseful. But that would come by way of their own consciousness, and not purposely administered by the other spouse.
I do struggle about informing immediate family, and the wife/husband to the AP. Again, you have to weigh the true motivation for informing them. Is it so they don't misjudge you, and you want them to know how innocent you are and how bad your S has been? Is it out of wanting some kind of punishment administered? If so, who exactly are you wanting to suffer? It hurts more than just the two affair partners.
I have been told several time the spouse of the AP has a right to know. Who says that he/she doesn't know? Sometimes they don't want someone else pointing it out b/c then they have to actually do something. The end results may not be so good for your M, if the other couple splits.
There are many pros & cons on the subject. MWD does not support exposure.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
