Quote: I just felt like he was constantly dropping comments about how "you should take this to your apt" and talking about my future with other people - then he gets upset when the comments evoke a response in me.
maybe because he is
Quote: He admited to me last night that he just can't deal with me upset. He said he is very happy at home, except when "this" (meaning me getting upset) happens...
He doesnt like you upset. He's testing the reality and validity of your changes. If you "go for it" it proves him right. If you detach and let it slide, you prove you're changing for the better.
Forget the going dark - bring Bob out for a little visit. Be consistent. If he makes a stupid comment about "bring this to your place" - pretend he is a 90 year old senile guy from Kansas - humor him as BOB BARKER would.
Hang in there.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Moving on down the road... I am going to my apt tonight. I proposed that H and I get together for dinner Wed night before I leave for my trip. Hopefully that will give me a couple of days to get my feelings back on straight and get some sleep.
I really don't expect to ever come back to the house to sleep. Maybe that's me expressing a boundary, or maybe it's my feeling that H won't want me to - I don't know. I do know I am tired of reacting to every single thing he does or says. I do NOT have the energy for that anymore.
Somebody pointed out to me that I look at what he says and does to try and guess his feelings/what he's decided, and that honestly he probably HASN'T decided. At the end of April it will be eight months since he left the first time. A lot of things have changed between us. Mostly for the better, in fact.
EVERY TIME I have a strong emotional reaction with H to anything he says or does, the poop hits the fan again. It doesn't work! For some reason, getting upset with him or at him only makes things worse. He moves far away again, and I ended up emotionally and physically exhausted and in pain. Do we feel a goal coming on? YES, WE DO!
Goal: To only interact with H insofar as I feel I can handle the attending emotions. Take a day for myself. Stop managing my M/R and just bow out for a day (tomorrow). I am going to let him have the responsibility of being a dad on his own, and just go home and do whatever I feel like doing - reading, watching TV, doing laundry, laying on the floor and bawling...whatever. I just need some time to simply be Myrrh - not "Myrrh reacting when H said this" or "Myrrh doing this because H did that." I just want to BE for right now. JUST BE. If I could get through ONE EVENING without calling H just to verify that we still exist in the same universe, I would count myself a tremendous success.
FACE THE FEAR! Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
One night -just one night with no more calls, no more interaction. And then tomorrow, packing up S to go to Daddy's house, and not breaking down in front of him, and not calling to make sure he picked S up, or that they are doing okay, or just checking to see that we still exist in the same universe.
It sounds maybe a little crazy that this is such a big deal for me...but it is a HUGE thing. HUGE. Like this big elephant sitting on top of my head. It doesn't even have anything to do with H's reaction to me leaving him alone - it has to do with me proving to myself that I can leave him alone, that even though I have control over nothing else, I will have taken back my control of ME. I will feel again as if I have a choice - maybe then I can consider whther I really want this M or not, but not until then. I feel trapped. I feel trapped in a stupid dynamic with my H that up to now I have felt powerless to change...and changing it is simply a matter of NOT. NOT picking up the phone and making that call, NOT IMing or e-mailing him if I don't absolutely need to, NOT letting him have every shred of my heart and soul that's left so I have nothing left for myself...
I don't want to feel like a victim anymore. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Quote: I don't want to feel like a victim anymore.
You must REMOVE yourself from the victim role. How can you do that?
Let's see if we can work on some of this dynamic. (As you know I have the same issue of getting upset all the time by things h says, does, doesn't say, etc.) Basically, just making up a bunch of crap in my head and assuming the worst.
First of all, how exactly are you communicating with h when you are mad/upset? Give us some specifics. What are you saying ? when you are expressing your feelings? Are you calling him names, saying he is mean/doesn't care, whatever?
What causes him to withdraw? What has he said to you that would help him communicate with you and not withdraw/get defensive?
ie. my h prefers that i approach him BEFORE being really upset, being calm, not beating around the bush and coming out and saying directly what is bothering me, and not having a long period of silence before stating what is wrong. He gets defensive when I imply/say that he doesn't care. This is very hurtful and offensive to him. I thought it was ok to say "I FEEL like you don't care," but that is not acceptable, b/c all he hears is the "you don't care."
I also read (need to try this out), to not even go into personality traits like "you're lazy." and just make a very specific request like, "can you please clean the kitchen?" or "can you please call me when you get there?" Make it a request for a specific behavior.
Also, what is he saying that you are getting upset about? Can you ask for clarification? And rather than jump to the worst conclusion ask what he meant by that?
How can you take control over yourself and your emotions and how you feel about yourself? Ok, you've decided not to contact him. What are you going to do instead? Is there a good book you've been wanting to read or do you have a craft of some sort that you've been meaning to work on? Even your mending? ha! That's fun!
Well, darnit, here I am at the house again. The phone didn't get hooked up, and the idea of being in a strange place with no available phone line was not acceptable to me or H, so he is letting me stay here one more night.
I am playing around with the need to make a major change in my life that for once has nothing to do with my M or my H - going back to school? joining the military? writing a book? Whatever I decide on, I need to do something that pushes my comfort zone to the limit, and takes my focus off the big elephant in the living room that I can't do anything about (my M this time, not my fear elephant - yikes, my living room is getting crowded!). I feel the need to be somehow different.
I need to CONSIDER this...good thing I am a DBer, or I might misguidedly think a divorce was the answer to my itch for a big change. Considering, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I want this marriage to be over with. It isn't that I think my husband hates me; it's his complete indifference that really sucks. To him, I am just this bitch who won't leave him alone and let him do what he wants. He is doing that thing again where he tells me he will be somewhere (at the house) at a certain time, and then doesn't show or call. I tried to call the shop, and the answering machine (or someone beside the button) hung up on me.
This isn't worth hurting every day, all day for. He gave up on things between us a long time ago. Why can't I? I will soon. I can't keep beating myself bloody against the brick wall that is my H.
I want to give up. So bad I can taste it. I want a DIVORCE. SO BAD. I want out. Maybe I will feel differently in the morning, but I seriously doubt it.
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Myrrh, sweetie...maybe the answering machine couldn't receive messages from pumpkins...'cause I know that your phone happened to turn into a pumpkin last night, right...
I read something last night in the ADD answers book (my secondary self-help drug of choice right now) that I think might bring you a little peace. ADD people act impulsively in the moment. The way their minds work is so quick and impulsive that they don't think of the consequences of their actions and they do not even recall (at this time of impulsivity) what the consequences were the last time they made this choice. This is frustrating for their partners, because no matter what consequence we bring down, the ADD person will continue their impulsive behavior. Think about how you could adjust your partner's behavior without issuing a consequence. A consequence will be forgotten and take away from your partner's self worth, not to mention only frustrate you more. IE don’t bother screaming at him when he comes home late or doesn’t call…because it won’t change damn thing! That message goes out to both of us!
Tell me WHY you want a divorce. Remember the rule...can't use anything in the phrase "I want a divorce because ___ " that you have not completely and totally considered.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
