Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers LBS-confused, lost and SAD - where is my power?

((((hugs)))) LandC,

Sorry to hear that things are not progressing the way you were hoping. I just caught up with your threads, and I wanted to say that you are doing great considering how quickly everything happened and how recently.

Again, sending you hugs

LandC, I will post more later (work time), but I'm sending you some hugs(((LandC))) and a long hold. Hang in!

LandC, how are you?

Hello DBers,

Apologies for being off line for so long...a lot is happening and most if it is not what I had in mind...will make a long post tomorrow , could really use some support... feel like I'm doing everything wrong...and getting bit in the A$$.

Been thinking of you all...will catch up with threads ...
hugs and thanks for your support.

It's good to hear from you! Sorry to hear things have been rough.

I've been thinking of you.

Hi Rose888,
going for a walk then will post what's happening - could really use some support today - how are you?

LC,

There you are! I have not been on the boards much lately either, but I was a bit worried about you. I will check back later on you. Go easy on yourself.

Blu

Hi BluWave, Rose888 and everybody -
ok,
Could really use some help/support today. And thanks for checking in on me!
I will try to be succinct ...here goes:

After our last meeting May 21 to discuss living situation, did not hear from him at all. Only emails related to bills etc.

I did send him some photos of our dog via text May 26.
May 28 I texted him and invited him to come to the river w me and our dog ...he said 'thanks' but was going hiking.

May 28 he sent me an email thanking me with a very nice tone, for the photos I'd sent of our dog. No mention of living situation etc.

Then apparently, I started to get impatient with this whole 180 thing...nothing seemed to be working in terms of actually trying to see each other etc. So here goes, don't yell at me, since I couldn't afford to keep paying for a DB coach, I joined an online... - not sure we are allowed to mention names

Now, I joined that on June 1. As many of you likely know, his philosophy in many areas is like MWD and in some his advice is the complete opposite.
He thinks giving your separated spouse too much 'space' just gives them the space to justify their behavior and since you are going along with the story they are telling themselves to justify their behavior that you don't want do do that, you want to kill them with kindness and unconditional love. His whole idea is that the LBS's job is to ruin the story they're telling themselves so that you are in essence creating a NEW marital history. He does advise like MWD to not talk about the past or any problems etc. The idea is to create good will etc.
Anyhow, I slowly started implementing some of his strategies - between June 4 and June 14.
I did call once June 4 and say he was welcome to live in guest house (as I needed to know what the hell is going on with that so I could make other plans if I want with it)
June 7 - Sent some photos of dog etc. no words.
June 9 - first time I CALLED and left a vm to see if he wanted to get together w dog on weekend.
June 11 - got an email from him saying he couldn't get together, that things were very difficult at his job, living situation etc. and ... that he was applying for a job in another (his home) state. Then I totally lost it for a few hours, that was last Saturday. Crying and feeling very sad.
June 11 - now at this point I've decided to act like his friend and give unconditional love. I know this sounds crazy, but being mad, angry and unforgiving was just making my heart hurt.
I sent him an email asking if there was anything I could do to help make his life less difficult right now, house situation etc.
June 13 - left short vm telling him about the birds and nests at our house.
ok, now here comes the part that I think was not a good idea.
The ... talked about giving gifts and how it's the GIVING that helps us feel love, not the receiving. I realized so much of my pain is from not having the chance to do all the little daily things that we did for each other -
June 14 - woke up with gut feeling I should go get him a lungi from India - cotton thing like a sarong, he loves them and doesn't have one.
So I go find one at our groovy fabric shop and for first time since he left, go to leave it for him at his job. Usually he is NEVER in the area at the front reception...but jesus H Christ, wouldn't you know it, the ONE time I go there just as I open the door, he's walking down the hall! His immediate reaction - 'I can't talk' which in reality, would have been the same 4 months ago as his job is stressful and busy, so really no surprise.
I leave the gift with receptionist.
oh dear god.
June 15 - I left him a voice mail saying 'good luck' with his interview for job in the other state. Am I crazy? That's what a friggin' good 'friend' would do, and he did say he wanted to be 'friends'
Hold on, I'm almost done....
June 15 - Day started out bad, not enough sleep and found a bunch of photos, a photo from our wedding, road trip photos by accident as was looking for something for my Dad...just kind of lost it feeling really sad and nostalgic.
I get home yesterday afternoon and there is an email from him, and it's not good.
The subject line reads 'Papers'
oh dear. He said he has sent D papers via certified mail. He goes on to say that as he has said over and over, he still loves me but not in the 'big' way. He said he values our time together and that 'you matter to me' Then he signs it 'sending love'
How the F can someone send D papers and sign it 'sending love'
What I am so frustrated and angry about is that he doesn't seem to get it that love is a VERB. You do loving actions, and then you feel more loving. AND I am mad at myself for following the advice of this other Marriage guy as this is obviously backfiring big time. Though I can't know if he was planning to do this anyway, or was it a reaction to my calls and the gift, who the heck can know?
So frustrated that there IS love between us, but he's just not giving us a chance right now. I can accept that, but I am NOT signing any papers. The one thing I do agree with this other MArriage guy is that you make a HERCULEAN effort for a year, and then if nothing changes, ok.
But it's only been a little over 2 months! HE has been stressed working 50 hours a week and living at someone else's house!
I know he is on his own 'spiritual journey' as I am , but it sure would be better and more healing if we could talk to each other, support each other.
Obviously I know many things he was unhappy about in our M and of course there are the things I was doing that weren't helpful. But it feels almost cruel to be unwilling to meet in person and discuss this.
I need to make it clear to him that I will NOT bring up the past, that I will NOT try to process anything.
I know for sure he needs to feel safe for any dialogue to occur and now I feel like I really screwed that up with the calls and the gift. He likely feels pursued now.
HELP! The good news is, I am NOT cry hysterically, I am not losing it today, I am sad, but feel a certain inner strength and calm.
Any words of advice/help/ encouragement from anyone who refused to sign D papers and later restored their M from the brink of D !
What shall I do and NOT do???? Sending love to you all!

One More thing - Keep in mind for that last post- so since he left April 8, this was the first time I did anything that might be perceived as 'pursuing' behavior. I may have slipped a bit during our last face to face meeting, but on the whole, was calm and confident, ... fyi.
Guess I need to go back to what MWD recommends in DR book - if it's not working, STOP IMMEDIATELY.

LC,

I am not here to judge you or even hit you with a 2*4 at this point. It sounds like you understand what it means to DB and want to stay on that path. In terms of this other program, I really don't know anything about it, however I don't think you should beat yourself up over it. So you texted him, called him, asked him to spend time together, bought him a gift, offered him to live next door, and continue to show him love and support. That is how you feel and that is ok. However, as you can see, it is not attracting him back to you. So you can continue to put your heart on the line, but it will not bring him closer.

All of his words and actions are saying he is done and has been since the beginning. In fact there hasn't been anything in your sitch that has shown that he has expressed doubt. He has been clear all along that he is done and wants D. I know that is not what you want to hear and I know it hurts. I am sorry.

You say that you want to sit down and talk with him, but I just can't see how that would help you. I would think it would be painful for him to explain why he wants a D and he probably does not want to hurt you anymore than he already has. I think you may want that in the hopes that he can hear you out and perhaps change his mind.

I think it's time to let him go. Can you start picturing your life without him? Even just taking some first steps. Even if you refuse to sign the papers, I don't see how that will help you. In the long term, if you want this M to work, I think it's time to let him go now. Plenty of people find each other back together again over time. Right now though, he wants you to let him go.

I am sorry.
-Blu