Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Out of In house S- Start of two homes (10)

Vise, I struggle the same way you do. But I have put my faith in the process as well. I think there is a point in time where NOT DBing is the right thing to do, and to shower her with the "new you" changes you are making in your life. But once things reach a certain point, that "cherishing" and "compassion" you show for her, just does not have the same affect it once did. Once, in her mind, she's filled her image of what you are as NOT a H, and instead, the father of her kids, or 'friend' who is having to suffer through the same hard things she's suffering through in life, these thing just don't work, and that's when the DB-process seems to be the only way back.

I didn't understand it, and still don't fully understand it. When W says things like "I want to believe you, but I just don't think things will ever change," or "I know you're capable of anything, but what makes this any different than the last times we tried to work things out." I personally feel like she's fishing for me to jump all over the bait, with reasons, examples, analogies on WHY this time it's different, and this time I'm REALLY going to be the better man she's always dreamed of in a H. But, it's too little, too late, as so often said.

What's helped me understand this a little bit better, isn't something I learned through DB, but through psychology resources on why a straying spouse is so unlikely to give in to these things. And it's because they fear that nothing is ever really going to change if we save THIS RELATIONSHIP. And a better way to look at it for me, has been to look at it through the lenses of... "I don't want to save this relationship, I don't want to save this marriage, I don't want to stay in a marriage with these same two people who want to make changes." Instead, "I want to end this MR, and start a NEW MR, a new M and a new Plan for life. This is very common in cases where there is an A. The ones that overcome these obsticles rarely will tell people they 'saved their MR', but that they started a new MR with the same person, just with a different outlook and a different stance on life.

I think the key to created this view of "end MR, start NEW MR with same person, is to kill off ALL emotional ties, all psychological ties, and sexual ties, etc, with the old spouse in the struggling MR, and the only way to do that is to follow this process of detachment, and eventually re-attachment, to that new person. People don't change over night, and there is no way your S is going to think that just because you're saying XYZ, she's going to believe it. She will be forever, watching, waiting, judging, waiting for you to slip up and then boom, SEE! I told you you weren't going to change! The distance and detachment is necessary in order to get those habits of your S to no longer be associated with the past issues of the MR.

Sorry for the long post.

To elaborate on what was probably already a long post, there is another case that I feel like DBing is giving me doubts. My WAW has always said things like "I feel like I'm holding you back from doing things you enjoy." Like she feels guilty into conning me into marriage so that I no longer have the time to do things I used to enjoy doing all the time. In the process of my GAL-ing, my weekends have been filled with X, Y, and Z. All things that I used to do a lot of, but since being married those activities had been tamed down a bit. This is because of family events, friends, couples nights, etc, with the W and friends.

When she found out what I was doing (she wouldn't stop asking, and 'hanging out', 'running around', wasn't doing it for her), she responded a few days later with, "you did more in the last few weeks than you've done in the last year." What I was thinking was, 'well, yeah, because I knew I wasn't going to be hanging out with you, or wasn't going to be going with you to your families, or etc. If we were still trying to work on this, I'd be hanging out with you and asking if you wanted to do these things with me.' But that's not what I said, because it would only re-iterate her already bad thoughts that she's keeping me from being who I want to be while we are together.

I wasn't sure to handle the situation, and still not sure I did it right, but truth is, I'd been perfectly happy doing the things we would've done together over the weekend, but since I knew she didn't want me around, I'm not just going to sit around waiting. These are all things that were a big part of me, when we originally fell in love with one another. And I don't think she wants to hear about how full my life is right now of all these wonderful things I love(d) in the past. And I wanted to explain to her that if we chose to work on our future, I would find a balance between my life, her life, and our life, but she would not believe that to be true. So I think the best thing to do is just continue to GAL, and keep the details to a minimum. But I'm still unsure of how to handle that.

For a WAW that has felt so bad about keeping me from things I love in the past, it's like rubbing salt in a wound that she feels she has created. This makes no since to me and I feel like it's setting me back everytime she finds out what I've been doing. But I just keep chugging on, doubts and all, because I'm not the trained professional in this matter and all I've known in the past is the reason why I'm here to begin with. I just keep forcing myself to check my gut and emotions at the door, and think, what would DB do? I've realized that acting on what I FEEL is right, is usually counter-intuitive and that just sticking to a known plan that's already laid out for me is probably the best way to go.

Hey BetterM,

That was well put and hit home with me as the same words have come out of my W mouth. Except for the part about W telling me that I no longer do the things I used to do. She did find the house I am moving to that had a two car garage, something I had before MR. So in that way she has said it.

W did not contact me yesterday. She called when she arrived home and found I was out with the kids. She asked where we were and asked if we would be back because she was making dinner for us.

We did come back and she had already ate and had the dining room table all set up for me and the kids.

Before she came home she bought groceries.

I have my keys to my new place. My friend congratulated me but I did not see why.

So tonight I am going to be showing it to the kids again, Then when they go to bed I will be heading over there to drop some stuff of as the moving begins. I will be busy as I have to paint the boys rooms. I will make a list of stuff to do tonight.

This morning I almost started crying infront of W. Just knowing we wont be under the same roof was getting me. I held it together though.

One day at a time

When my W and I first stopped sleeping under same roof, it was a week before my birthday. We had agreed that we would sleep in separate homes until we STARTed MC, which was scheduled about 8 days away. I thought, no big deal, it's temporary, and at least I'm fortunate that she's willing to stick it out and try counseling, no anxiety, no worry, no crying... after MC, she needed "more space" for 3 days until individual therapy, then "more time" until our next MC session, in which she cancelled... It was that night, I knew I was in for the rough road. All the FUD, emotion, worry, etc, poured out as I knew this was a turning point. Even though she hadn't told me yet, I knew the decision was made on her part, and it all hit me.

There's something about the definitive of 'knowing' that is so much different that the FUD of not knowing. It's real, and it hits so much harder than just the worry of something. I know it's easier said than done, but stay strong, especially in front of your W and kids. Don't breakdown, it will come off as desparation. (However, I think I've read some places, there is a proper moment to breakdown to show you're not immune to the pain), but I'd stay away from this.

Hang in there, create a plan, write down goals. and you're right - ONE DAY AT A TIME, but don't forget, each day starts with the night before. Put a little notepad next to bed and write down a few things each night on your mind. Start a gratitude journal or something along those lines as well. Being able to find things we are thankful for, or show gratitude for, in these hard times can be crucial in finding positive energy when dark, negatives thoughts consume so easily.

Hey,

W just emailed me,

she is inviting me and the boys to go pick some things up for the MR house and for dinner.

Then asks me what do I want to do?

We have been doing this it seems every other week. Because she is initiating it, I don't wee why I cant go.

I am going to not respond right away. But I am thinking go and keep it in the moment, Just be there in the present. It will be food for thought for her when I am not around.

I'm kind of late responding, but you're right about making them wait it out for a bit... but just curious, how'd you handle it? I, personally, don't see anything wrong with joining. I was gonna say it could be time spent having a good time with your kids if nothing else.

Hey,

So yes we did go. Not much to report, just normal interaction. Just like it used to be.

It was good, Kids enjoyed having both of us there. the school was surprised to see that W and I both picked up kids together.

Came back and kids played outside.

Then out cam the Gay guy neighbor. W was no the phone with her mom and cut her off to literally run over there. His sister was there and they were all dressed to go out on the town. This is the life W is dreaming of. Being a socialite going to the best events. But he has no kids he can go out to things like that when ever he wants, its a different lifestyle then having a family. I think W found a way to get both, half the week she will be able to go out on the town to the next event or what ever like a single person. Then when she has the kids back to MOM mode.

So I am outside and the next door neighbor goes over there too and he get introduced to the sister all the wile I get ignored, Which is fine by me considering the circumstance. But it just highlights the gap between my W and I. She has this group of facebook/neighbor friends that I am completely not part of. And she has no interest in including me in that group.

She is living two lives.

So I did shoot over to my new place, and I am losing steam for this move and it has not even started.

There is so much work to do and I was having expectations of having a perfect painted, all set up place. But I think I might have to lower the bar and shoot for just getting my stuff moved From old place to new place.

I can see how juggling the two lives for her would seem attractive, but it's hard to imagine that would be a long-term goal for happiness. More than "finding a way to have both", I would view view the 'outside friends and events' as more of an escape mechanism. Not saying that's any better, but it's probably no different than endulging in online video games, drugs, drinking, etc. People escape in different ways, but in the end, those 'escapes' grow old and if she's not also working on herself for her REAL life concerns, it'll only come back to bite everyone on the arse later.

vise
in actuality she is doing everything you should be doing right now.

in a sense she is DBing you

I know it is tough to grasp the distance between you both and how can she be that way. well she is, and the MR is where it is right now.

How can you be a little more out for just yourself and the kids? not saying leading two lives but spicing yours up some more?

Hey,

So I spent some time yesterday lining up care in the morning to get my kids to school on the days I have them. W was the one that did that. Her work day started later and I have an early start to the day. But my early start allowed me to pick up the kids after school.

So after looking after three options,
- Change work schedule and drop them off at a early morning drop off at the school
-- don't change my schedule and drop them off at a in home daycare and they would take them to school
---Have my babysitter arrive early at my new house to look after the kids before school and take them to school.

All the above are an added cost to me as W put in the S agreement that any cost to before school care was to be paid by me 100% as she starts work later and if the kids were with her it would be no cost.

I choose option three. Least cost and kids stay in their own house.

I tell W this morning and then she cant believe the sitter would wake up that early.

Then she asks me if I want to pick up the kids after school on the one day she has to work late and she has the kids, or she would ask the same sitter or her parents (who live 1/2 hour away) to pick them up after school.

So it times like this that I think and why are we separating? Why have the parenting schedule that is going to be changed anyway. How is this best for the kids? It takes two people to look after the kids why don't we just live together? Basically I am replacing something W used to do by paying a sitter to come in the home and help with the care.

So I am thinking that I will take her after school day if she will take one of my early morning before school days.

What will she say about that?