Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Ups and Downs (III)

Yes, they are. I am horrible too J.

I was going to try to say "people only seem horrible if our expectations are unrealistic" and talk about why we need to believe the world and the people in it should be some other way that they are not.

But I feel the way you do quite often too J.

I drove 90 miles to meet with a customer that no-showed his appointment today.
Yesterday a guy berated me for an HOUR on the phone for an issue he had with my service that had nothing to do with me, and however legitimate his concern was the fact that he would treat me so disrespectfully and bully me and shame me and bulldoze me, it was disgusting.
My XW tore apart my family too.

All pretty sick. So I keep to myself, because sometimes I feel it is the only way to protect myself and protect others from myself. It is fatiguing how fallen we are.

So I too am working on accepting reality. It's hard, because reality means that I may never get the partner I want, I may never have the life I wanted, etc. But little by little I'm learning that life isn't about me getting what I want, it's about me doing the best I can in the midst of the suffering we endure, and if we do that there are moments in the middle that are pretty alright.

Sorry I'm rambling J, nothing here is that valuable to you now, just know that my rambling is the only way I have to show that I'm here with you.

thank you Zues... For being "real"

(Jjb)

I am sorry to hear what's happened. Work has been crazy busy.

Will drop by again.

Thanks jksd,

I'm at a down again..haven't slept and of course right before I'm going away.

Sometimes i feel like I'm self sabatoging. Or maybe deep down I don't want this relationship either. Maybe I never did and was just pushing husband away in past cause I didn't have guts to end things back then.

All I was asking him for was 3 extra hours though. And it escalated. And he takes and sees them less then most. I have done favors for him in past. Maybe he was sabatoging too though. Maybe he knew I would react and I did.

There really is no chance for us. Not at this point.

I am point keeping because I need to know it's not all me. I often feel like it is.

It's not all you, it's both of you not working together. Your not a team any more. Sorry

Sending you love dear friend, you are loved, be well

I think it's like the interaction keeps touching emotional bruises. Both parties are so sensitized to the habitual communication problems that we overreact to the other. Everything is blown out of proportion and becomes about unmet needs, 'proof' that there's no love, etc.

For you, it's understandably very hurtful that your H is rejecting both you (not helping when you need him) and your children (not spending time with them), so you react emotionally and feel he's wrong. I don't agree with his actions, but who knows what's in his head. Some men feel like when they're paying child support, they've hired a sitter!

For me, it's upsetting when H doesn't respond to text messages because I know he responds to everyone else promptly. It feels personal and uncooperative. Like you, I feel it's unfair because I respond quickly when he needs something, but when I need something, it's still all about him.

Cont.: For H, it's about me not telling him what to do or managing his time.

Sorry J.



The same way I don't like diagnosing WAS's I don't subscribe to the sour grapes thinking. The loss is what it is, more monumental than anything I can depict. Yes, that stinks, but it is what it is. If you kid yourself about the size of the loss you won't take the right actions to stand for your M.



Reread my post on power. This "All I was asking" stuff isn't the issue. You can ask. But you can't expect him to behave how you want. And it didn't 'just escalate'. It's how YOU reacted when he didn't do what you asked that escalated things.

I'm not saying he was being a great guy at the moment, or that he didn't stir the pot as well, but I'm not talking to him, you're here with us, and it doesn't do you any good to act like this relationship is just cursed and has no chance because God didn't want you to be married. It's funny you go right back to the same 'maybe it wasn't meant to be' stuff that would infuriate you when WAH says it about why he left.



Really? We go here now?



Let me ask one question...what would it mean if it was all you? What if it is your fault? Why would that be the end of the world?

I'm not saying it is.

But if it was, wouldn't that mean you could change the dynamic of your interactions, and could potentially save your M, and have the M you wanted? What is so horrible about that?

To me the sad thing would be if you were doing everything awesome and were cursed by God to be lonely, miserable, misunderstood, and rejected forever. I don't think that's what is in store for you.



Look, I get why you're feeling absolutely low today. I get it. And if you need to spin a little today to get through the pain by telling yourself it is over, it was unavoidable, and you didn't want it anyway, hey, get through the pain. Just realize that's what your brain is doing, it's trying to squint and twist things so you don't hurt right now. Which is fine if you don't act on these feelings and thoughts. I mean, if you're curled up in a ball in bed then do what you need to do.

But when it comes to leaving the house, deciding what to do FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, now is when you really decide what you are made of. Can you stick to the road when things get tough? Detach, no expectations, and 180s are critical right now. The more distance you can put between yourself and your expectations and poor behavior, the better you'll feel. Time to regroup and start again. You can do it J.

I just realized you might feel like you can't change, and if you feel that way I can see the benefit of subscribing to the above beliefs.

But you can change. You've grown a lot over the last 9 months. You've done well on your 180s and have grown more independent, less needy, more compassionate, and so much more.

It's not fair to yourself to measure yourself at your absolute worst and use that as proof you are a failure. That's negativity. Do your 180 and recognize the growth you've achieved and have faith you'll continue to get stronger and healthier. The only way you won't is if you stop believing in yourself. I never doubt you for a moment. We aren't giving up on you J, you don't either!

Perfect sense. Your H has a problem with "or worse" and "in sickness" and "or poorer". Basically all the parts of the VOWS HE TOOK that deal with challenges. When the going gets tough....he quits. Maybe IC can help him with that massive character flaw, maybe it can't. You have very little control over that but you have 100% control over how you deal with it. Everyone has flaws. Nobody in the history of human beings has ever been perfect. It is a very scary proposition to give your heart to someone that you know will bail if trouble hits. Are you sure you want to do that?