Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Out of In house S- Start of two homes (10)

Hey,

Had to sign all the paper work for the sale of the MR home.

Picked up kids, had to let the daycare know that I will be bringing the kids to before school care for my days I have the kids.

Going to have to change my work schedule so that I can drop kids off at school in the morning.

W was at home at kids were at a neighbors hose. She asked about the trailer. I said that she could just make a pile in her driveway and when I am done with the trailer she can use it.

She didn't like that said she couldn't do that stuff would blow all over. I said to pile it in the back yard. she said she couldn't do that. Then I just said I will empty the trailer, then you can use it. She asks why I am being all weird about it. I didn't say anything. Not sure if a truth dart was needed. Like you want this separation but you want this help from me, I just don't want to be taken advantage of. Didn't say that but thought it.

We worked out some other logistics, now its a struggle because she wants time to work on her place and I also want time to work on my place and the kids need to be looked after at the same time.

W dad is doing everything for her, painting, putting up window coverings, putting furniture together. So no need for me. She invited me to see her place tomorrow as she is dropping off stuff and will have the kids with her. She said I can go if I want or don't if I don't want to.

I just said ok I will think about it.

I think before on here, I said I would go as it would be good to just show that I can be there and be ok with it.

This morning, W offers to help me at my place to put furniture together or anything that may need two people. I was in shock a little and just said well I will see how it goes.

Temp checking? Keeping just enough connection to me so that I am still attached? I don't know but its exhausting. This is why I keep looking to an all or nothing type of solution. Just to be free of the DB roller coaster.

I am tempted to have a R talk, Like where do you see us going now that we are in separate houses? What do you expect from me? What do you want out of this?

I am not the one to initiate this type of talk and I know that. But my patience is running thin on this. At some point enough is enough.

Oh man, you're in a tough place.

I would be very tempted to start a R talk too. She appears to be wanting you do be the husband still even though she burned the bridge. she effectively fired you from the husband position but still wants the perks of having a husband.

Boundaries are needed, that's for sure. I think it is fair to ask her what her expectations are. I also think it fair to be gentle but form telling her what your boundaries are now that you are in separate homes. She no longer gets to have you as a partner, this is the consequence of a separation/divorce.

Hey sadsara,

I think I want to let her know through actions that she does not want me as her husband I don't thing that a husband does.

My plan was to not make a grand announcement but for it to be evident in what I do. I think I handled the trailer thing ok. I will have the trailer available to her empty. She can return it to me empty.

She thinks in her mind that I have to take it to the dump to empty it why not brig her garbage there at the same time.

I see no issues with seeing her place.

She wanted to give each other keys for each other places. I handled that one with having a lock box at my house with the key in it. I can change the code on it as needed.

Then the helping me out with stuff at my house.

I will have to not ask her for help. I am tempted as it would be time spent together and helping me, but she may want the same from me to help her. And really she is not very helpful for that type of stuff.

SO this is where DBing is seeing some changes in the dynamic. I would call her pursuing right now. Or at least temp checking.

Just one day at a time. I have so much to do with this move.

Hey Vise,

Sorry to tell you this but this is NOT pursuing and I think it hurts you to think that it is. It is not even close. I also don't see much temp checking. That is a whole new dynamic. I see a WW who wants a buddy buddy to help ease her stress as she moves into a new place. She is looking for comfort and everything she is doing she is doing it for her and her alone. I think you need some clear boundaries.

Hey Vise I agree with Pinn, the fact that she asked why you're being all weird with the trailer means that she doesn't get it. She still wants/expects to cake eat, get as much as she can from you and offer some crumbs (helping with furniture). I do think that this is a wonderful opportunity though to prove to her that Vise doesn't need her, that he can put furniture together himself or with his friends and that things are going to be differentnow that you live in seperate houses. Let her feel the loss. That's what will bring pursuit.

One other thing Vise... I would strongly resist the urge to start a relationship talk at the moment. I do not think that will go well. She is starting her 'exciting' new life on her own. I doubt you will hear anything that you want to hear. Let her see exactly what life is like without.

Why use the lock box for the key?... I don't understand. Does she have the code?

Like others have said here, and yourself, it's like she's wanting to keep the distance as far as possible, but while still sending you hints here and there that she doesn't want you to detach completely. There are benefits to "being friends" during this, but the approach I've now taken in my place, was not to be "friends", but instead, to be "friendly". If your W doesn't think you're good enough to be an H, do you think she would still want to be 'just friends' with you? My guess is no, but I'm unaware of the entire story. For most of us, we marry the one that we want to be our Spouse, not just friends. I would decline the offer of her helping out, and say I have friends that will help me take care of it, and then don't really say much back to her at all in terms of helping her move things, etc.

I, also, would avoid the R talk at all costs. I've been trying to do that, but WAW keeps bringing up in phone conversation, "do you want to talk about anything, do you want to talk about us and our R?" I would respond with "no, not really, not right now", etc for about a week and that worked, but eventually she forced me into it with her initiating the talk (and saying she wants out). So when I validate and empathize with her, she only gets confused, and angry because she doesn't understand why I'm not arguing with her. However, these talks do NOT go well, even when SHE is the one initiating the talk. I would stay away from the R talk as much as possible, and even if she does say something like, "what do you think about us, plans, goals, etc"...

I would just say something along the lines, "for now, with your decision to separate, there isn't really an "us" and the only plans I have right now are to work on myself to be a better person and a better man." and see how she receives that. Stay away from "us" and "we", as she is not a part of those words right now. It's more like "you", and "me", as separate entities. I would also avoid words like "home" and other terms of safety and security within the marriage as a couple.

Ignore my previous post, I didn't meant to send it... here's what I meant to send:

As others have said, I would avoid the R talk at all costs. If she brings it up (my WAW keeps bringing up "what about us, our R, etc", the technique I've been advised by coaches is something like, "With your decision to leave/end this M, there is no "us" right now, "you" and "me" are separate individuals that are currently not tied to one another on a R level. And my only plan/goal during this time is to focus on what's best for me and my situation and providing a supportive environment for my self-reflection and time of growing into a better man. If you do decide to invite yourself back into my life as a H/W, I see no benefit in talking about "us"."

This has a couple affects, primarily it shows that you are moving on and working to develop yourself in to a better person. It also shows that you know what you want during this time, and it's not to be involved with a back-and-forth W who can't make up her mind. She might be angry and say that 'it's not all about you, etc etc", but she needs to understand that you know the importance of having a solid foundation to build your life on, whether she's a part of it or not."

this should send the message that you are serious about your comments about being ready to move one with or without her, and if you bring up R talk, then you're only showing her your previous comments were misguided and made on indecision and trying to "trick her"... You need to stand ground. Change the locks if you have to. It might take something drastic to get her to see that you mean business as long as she's not going to be willing to be a part of the R.

Hey,

I am having a hard time with this. I thought I was ready for this move but I guess one does not know until one get there.

I am getting thoughts of losing W again, and it will be me backing off. She is it seems trying to keep a connection and I am blowing her off.

Its DBing and it feel like the opposite of what I should be doing.

I am going to have to just put my trust in the process.

No R talks will be started by me.

You say I should be creating strong boundaries. I am telling you my heart is saying no, my brain is telling me I will have to nicely push her in the direction that she has set. Away from me. Or am I looking at it wrong?

I will have a key in a key box at my house and W will not have the code unless its an emergency. After she uses it I can just change the code.

She just wants to give me a key to her place. For emergencies.

its just hitting me now, we have been inseparable for 15 years, The longest we have been apart has been 3 days and two nights for that wedding of her brothers.
And by the end of the month I feel like its the end of us. Just feel so sad. This is the second time now the MR is flashing through my brain. All we have been through together. Life is going to be so different.

I'm against 'friends' too. For one, why would you want to be friends? Two, believe that is a ploy for them lessening guilt or buttering you up for a nice D, or to keep you on the back burner. Either one is not fair to you and actually prolongs detachment.