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LT haven't read your previous thread so I don't know your situation, but I wanted to congratulate you on your me job. Well done!

Hi Everyone,

Hope all is well for all of you!

It has been a while since my last post. A lot has happened and a lot is needing to be digested.

We went on our trip to see colleges the last week of July. Everything went very well. I noticed a change in her behavior during the trip. I noticed many time she chose to position herself close to me. I did not make anything of it, but this is is a change from when she would push me away in the past. there is no physical contact between us, but I think that will come in time.

Since the trip I have seen communication improve more. in the past if I called her she would let it go to voice mail and then respond via text if she chose to respond. Now she actually picks up most calls.

After we got back from the trip she told me that she wished we were still on the trip. I am guessing that being here reminds her of everything and being away allowed a break from all of it.

This past weekend we went to the beach. It was a beautiful day and we had a great time. The next day she said that she wished we were back at the beach rather than at work.

Things seem to be gradually improving. I am struggling with do we have a talk about where she sees thing going or just continue to let things go for now. I find myself longing for the physical contact. Even just a hug would do for now. I think this longing is driving me to consider having a talk with her.

Lifes Twists,

This is just my opinion, but I think I would just go w/the flow for now. Allow her to continue coming towards light of your candle. She's starting to feel safe and is beginning to thaw and enjoy being around you. I think it's too soon for a talk and if you did have a conversation w/her about where things are going, she may distance herself for a while. Just let her be and enjoy the time you spend w/her. You'll have a very good idea when the time is right to have that conversation.

LT - So good to hear an update. Job is always on the money with the wisdom. Camping and co-parenting is very encouraging. MWD talks about showing progress through actions and behavior. Communication and conversation only really work in an environment of trust and safety. Are you both really there yet? Job says you'll know so trust in that.

Glad you had a good trip.

Hi Everyone,

It has been a while since my last update.

Things are going slow but good. My ex and I continue to go out for ice cream most Sundays. We are working well together in dealing with the many issues that can arise raising 3 young adults. Last night she surprised me by asking if we can go to a movie together today.

I continue to do things for myself. I went to my 35th class reunion and had a good time. I will get together with classmates again on the Saturday after thanksgiving, a now yearly tradition.

This does not seem like much of an update. I feel good about it though. I read the forum often and feel strong urges to shout stop and slow down when I see others situation moving to fast. I feel bad when I see so often their situation crash and burn.

What I tell myself often is to relax and get comfortable. That the sun will rise in the east and set in the west. I remind myself to watch for the little incremental changes and not to push for big changes as they often lead to a set back. I don't push for talk about reconciliation, as I know it will happen if and when the time is right.

I hope everyone has a great thanksgiving. I will be having dinner with my 3 daughters and my folks followed up with desert with daughters and ex wife ( another small step in the right direction).

LT, that was a steady and centered sounding post. I'm glad that you are calmly letting things unfurl at the pace they naturally want to move. Very positive! Wishing you the best.

Happy New Year Everyone,

Heres wishing everyone a new beginning this year and good progress for all of us!

Since my last update things are still moving in a slow, but good direction.

We have had several holidays together this year. On thanksgiving my 3 daughters, my ex, and I had desert together.On Christmas day we had dinner all of us had dinner together along with exchanging gifts. My ex gave me a $50 gift card to bass pro shops. Totally unexpected. I gave her and angel figuring holding a butterfly, both of which have become her symbols as she works through all that has gone on.

We continue to get together most sundays to have ice cream and talk mostly about our girls.

Yesterday for New Years Eve she and I went to a movie together followed by dinner at a steak house. We both had a good time. Over dinner we started a conversation over things that had happened. She spoke about how the mental health professionals have a long ways to go to understand the mentally ill and how to help the mentally ill.

I have high hopes to continue this conversation with her. I see it as the beginnings of working through stuff giving us an ability to maybe move forward.

Today I am am looking forward to what I hope will a great year. I have high hopes for myself and for all of you.

Hey, LT, great to hear from you. Happy New Year! I guess I missed a few of your last updates. I’m happy to read about the progress you are making with your ex!
I’m with you here. I’ve seen similar things… When I compared my situation to others, that were moving along faster… just to see them crash, like you said. I’m not saying that my sitch is any better, LOL… as it is not moving anywhere at all.

Movie and the dinner at the steak house sound great! It does sound like a date! The conversation that your ex brought about mentally ill is interesting. I’m curious if MLCers actually realize that there is some degree of mental illness in their behavior.

I have high hopes for you this year, LT! Keep doing what you are doing. It seems to be the way to go! And… do I need to mention… that your ex is very lucky to have you!

Hi LT
I recently was looking through your last thread and felt you were talking to me when you said shout stop and slow down. You see I feel stuck for sometimes afraid to escalate matter and laying low .. then gets some adrenaline power and rush to burn everything ... last two days I was feeling down disrespected and totally ignored so I started thinking to end the whole R and pushing h ... although I know if I do push he will not fight me. So I started thinking that it is not fair financially to be fully responsible for over 3 years. Job advised me to seek a lawyer to discuss but I have some concerns of shifting the issue to be about money which he always said that everyone just wants money from him ...no one cares about him....I know it is my right ...I'll guess will sleep on it... I am thankful for job advice as she has the insight that I am not ready ....but I am scared to be the fool at the end...I like how you see positives in the smallest things you ex does. I have to sometimes focus on the small stuff rather than assume ... appreciate if you have time to read my thread....and please shout loader....

Congratulations for the new job, some statistic I read was that 82% of employees leave because of their direct boss not because of higher pay....I wish employers look more into that ...good luck ..

Hi Everyone,

Time for an update, it has been a while.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on things for a while, looking at where things were, where they are, and where they may go. I have come to accept that people in the midst of an MLC can and probably will stay there as it may be their comfort zone and they may not be able to step out of it.

The situation with my ex is basically stationary at this point and I believe that is where it will stay.

Unfortunately my ex is a profoundly unhappy person and has been one since her teens. This unhappiness has become her comfort zone. It seems to be all she knows. She fights any opportunity to leave it and seek an alternative. Recently I found out that she had once again stopped going to counseling. She said she was not getting anywhere with it and the councilor suggested a break from it. I believe this time, like all the others, that the councilor was pushing her to try and get better and try changes to get there. The problem is that she has accepted that she will always be unhappy and is unwilling to try.

Where does that leave me. I did a temp check recently to see where she was and if anything had changed. She rebuffed me. Surprisingly I was not unhappy with this. I actually had a pit in my stomach going into this temp check which left after with the results.

I have come to realize that I do not want to be stuck with a profoundly unhappy person. I realize now for a long time that I had been accepting her unhappiness and suppressing my own for the purpose of trying to maintain a family for my girls.I now have accepted that I can no longer do this. I have chosen to let the rope drop and continue forward in my own life. I feel like I have allowed a great weight to be lifted from me.

My girls are old enough now. My youngest is graduating High School in a few weeks. She will be moving into her college dorm in mid august and starting her own path in life. I will still be there for them but won't be actively raising them on a day to day basis. I can now concentrate on me for a while.

I won't shut my ex out completely, but don't see any kind of friendship in our future. She just is not capable of having a friendship and reciprocating one. I will continue to include her where it is appropriate, but won't go out of my way to try and include her in everything.

I am working on my house to get it ready to sell. I can sell it for quite a bit over what I owe. I will be able to go a few towns over from where I live and pay cash for a new home and have no mortgage to worry about. This will greatly reduce my cost of living and allow me the luxury of going places I have wanted to visit and try new things I have always wanted to.

I am open to having a relationship in the future. I won't run away from one, but for now I am enjoying the prospects of not having to answer to no one for a while. If a new relationship is ment to be it will happen, if not I won't dwell on it.