Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach

I miss those very same thing each and every day, too. Sometimes I can keep it away for a little while, but it's pretty much always there. I grieve for what I have lost, my best friend, my dreams, hugs, knowing that there was always someone who had my back in this world... so much.

I don't know if NC is better or worse, but I surely know that limbo is difficult. H surely cannot see my lighthouse beacon...

I'm determined to have a good day, too. Just a bit sad at the moment.

Sending you all kinds of good thoughts. Pencil smiles.

SadHub,
That is really bizarre behavior from your W about the L. My WW did pretty much the same thing, once I confronted her EA she felt like a caged bird trying to escape. She got $6K from her mother for the legal retainer and then frantically looked for apartments around where we live. It's an expensive area and she wasn't able to qualify due to her low income, so she was writing these pleas to the landlords about being in a divorce, etc. Turned out she put the cart before the horse, because she ended up paying 3X$1,300 a month of dead rent because her L told her she can't move out until she has the separation agreement done. I was trying to get her to move out and gave her $5K to move but then we were stuck for 3 months while working out the SA. It was a situation that was bad for all sides, even though initially I didn't want her to move out but I realized it was more damaging to have her around flailing about being "controlled." The only benefit was my son got 3 extra months of somewhat "normal" childhood before ending in his current life of a 50% nomad.

Yes it is really odd. So I responded to the text today and asked that she send me the link for the Blue book quote she claimed. I said I would be willing to discuss and review with her.

She did not respond, and as I picked up D5 this afternoon she asked me to split costs for swim lessons for d5 and I agreed. She then hugged d5 and said good bye. I asked if she received my text and she said yes. She then gave her smirk and eye roll and said, I just can't believe you. I said nothing and then she said just go and started to get wound up again, and I remained calm and did not react to any of what I now realize is a pattern of her " childish" behavior. I think she realized there was no reaction because as she was winding up to scream and yell again , she then just stopped. She said, I will print the papers and get you your ink. I replied okay and she turned and walked away and I did as well.

I feel really calm and I saw it clear today. The little things she does that usually incites me to defend or try and help her. Today neither mattered to me and I saw her as I would see a child throwing a tantrum.

I am feeling rather calm right now and kind of smiling as maybe a thread of detachment came loose today.

That was awesome, SadHub! When you're able to stand back and observe the childish behavior like you would from your child it changes the frame, huh? Just let this calm and tranquility settle into your bones.

And there you go, SadHub. You just saw another marker of success. Being able to observe your W's behavior without rising to it and reacting in kind is progress by any definition. Nice job.

Even more impressive, though, is that you are feeling calm and even smiling afterward. Yet another marker of the progress you have made.

Now I really challenge you to go read some of your early posts! You've come so far!

So strange, my reply disappeared!

I was saying good job in deflating her rant!

Would suggest, though, that you avoid discussions at pickup. Kids pick up on those things, even if they're sitting in the car. It gets difficult for them with the tension related to them.

Thank you SadSara. It is really a different perspective.

Tonight she called and discussed some adjustments with the time with d5. All was well, because I was open to the adjustments.
Then I asked when and where to meet for the paperwork. She then said you are supposed to print it and bring it to me.
Weird how just several hours earlier as she started to freak out, she said she would print it and get it to me. Weird how she can't remember the conversations we have.
Then she says, be sure to change the amount because I just sent you a text showing the value of the car. She says she does not think she could get even that much for it. The car is less than 2 years old, in perfect condition. Weird how her texts show higher than she is stating it needs to be at. And it is showing trade in value. Not re sale value. I mention this and advise that even on Craig's list they are selling higher than blue book.

This is where the fun starts. She then starts again with her name calling and accusations and now she will contact her lawyer to contact my lawyer. I tell her that sounds good. She then starts again to call me names and rant. I simply say, have a good evening and end the call.

I am smiling right now, but my heart hurts because I would never have guessed in a million years that my W of over 19 years would have turned into what I see now. How much anger and hurt feelings have been harbored over the years. How many other influences have helped convince her that I am the sole source of all of her pain and unhappiness?

But for now, her circus, her monkeys.

Phoebe, thank you for you support. I am going to go back and read some and see what it was for me just a few short months ago. The roller coaster still has its ups and downs, but the peaks and valleys are not so up or down now. Still a ways to go, but seeing markers certainly is a good way to see forward progress.

Painter, I think you are very correct. It is tricky as she avoids all contact from me except when picking up my d. Last week showed me how crazy it is. Today fortunately my d was outside when I asked. At this point my d's are seeing tension with her regardless.
D17 shared with me a rant she went on this morning after I dropped them off. When I was there she asked if I had made a lunch for her. I said no, because she had been eating school lunch. WAW responded that she was out of money on the lunch account. I said, oh I did not know that. WAW then went into the other room. I hugged my girls and left. I guess after I left WAW came back in and asked if I left $5. D17 replied no, and asked why. WAW then ranted on about why didn't I and other things. D17 said that she asked her mom, did you ask him to? WAW did not response, but the mumbled and grumbled all morning.

I can't win for losing, but I am seeing it as a child throwing a temper tantrum. There is no rhyme nor reason and I am now seeing this so clearly. The harder that I have tried to help or get out of the way or... Well there is no winning for losing with her now and I am just trying to let it slide off. It really is just simply bizarre and I am seeing it for what it is now and not absorbing the nastiness of the words anymore.

Journaling

Ugh.... My mind is racing because of the difficulties WAW is creating.
No movement on D. She is refusing to sign off on finance agreement set up over a month ago because she is getting non legal advice. She says one thing then another and on and on and on. It is creating a limbo for me that is wearing me out. She wants to leave and every day she adds to her anger and resentment because she can't make a decision and accept what she has chosen. She continues to speak with folks that throw gas on the fire and it is just making me crazy. I know it is her circus, but I am somehow trapped in her tent and I can't get out.

There is no reasoning with her on anything and I just want to cut the rope. Sad thing is a D leaves a lot of rope wrapped around us still.

I am trying to keep a PMA this morning but my mind is trying to solve what feels like an unsolvable situation.

Grrrr.... There has to be a way out of this......it is not right.....how can one detach when so many of her actions have a big impact on me and my family?

Anyway I am just venting as I plan to have a good day and try and focus I things I can control.
I am gong to share some gratitude and find a pencil now. I will not let this drag me down today.

Random question for myself.

I have 2 more DB coaching sessions available to me, and I am not sure if I should schedule them. I just feel that all is over and WAW is done with MR and each passing day slams another nail into the proverbial coffin.

Is there help or advice that they could still give me for my sitch. I am still not finding a similar sitch around. No ea/pa, no specific reasons for this and the anger, the bitter anger. I have had to focus on D and protecting my assets and family and not really given opportunities for DB actions that can create doubt for her.

Wow, gotta get the mind focused today. Ugh!! I know better. Focus on myself, act as if and PMA.

I am gong to d5 school program today. She is so excited and I am looking forward to surprising her as I was not sure if I could go. This will give me some joy today. This is what I will focus on. Where is my pencil......

Just because there is no EA or PA (at least that you can find), there may be a fantasy of one, which is just as bad. The fantasy is that there is someone right around the corner that will be everything, way better than you. Sandi has referred to this a few times.