Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach

Hey, SadHub! I'm so glad that you're still on an upswing. Roll with it!

Sleep well, and have a great jog tomorrow.

Good morning,

I had a decent nights sleep. Not the best, but I have had far worse.
3 days in a row with the early morning jog.
Just a hint of anxiety, but no shaking. I feel a little off as if I have a mix of emotions stirring around.
I feel a bit angry at the hold up with the finances on her part. Also I have not been able to talk with d5 the past 2 nights.

I called Monday night and no answer, WAW then called later and said sorry she just went to sleep. Then she ended the call. Last night I called 2 times earlier in the evening, and never heard back. So I am a bit angry, wondering what's up and then remind myself her circus, because I will see d5 tonight.

I felt a bit lonely this morning. I am getting anxious to do many things but I am struggling to come up with a way to get out of this new routine of just getting through each day's essential duties at work and as a single father.

But overall I am calm, just a little impatient to get this new journey moving at a pace where I can see some success markers in my view.

Hope everyone has a good day, finds the strength to do what they need, enjoys some moments of peace and can feel some joy in the small things all around us.

SadHub,
Are you documenting this? It may be necessary if divorce becomes a reality and she gets hinky with the custody issue. I am hoping/planning/praying to avoid divorce but I am also documenting my H's absence from my children's life if I need to seek sole custody.

positive thoughts to you SadHub

You know the most important thing of all is love. There is no greater joy for a father than the love of his children.

You miss D5, I understand this and D5 carries with her the love of her father wherever she goes.

You may be a single dad and you are a family.

Hugs

V

Sadhub

Single dad with you bro! Was at my daughters practice today while all the moms and some other dads with their wives were there and it brings me down.
But can't let the little one see that frown...all smiles.

Its a hard routine to get into or get used to I should say as you had a partner in your wife to share in everything. And yeah...it's lonely

So your not alone in those feelings. My STBX has also been very distant and not spending the time with the daughter that is needed. Our D has said things....and it makes me sad. But as my counselor has stressed with me, I can only focus on what i can control and do the best I can do with my daughter and time with her. You seem to be doing the same and focusing on what is important...keep it up!

Well today was an odd one for me and I am still not sure what is going on.

SadSara,
I am trying to document as many bizarre events that happen with her that just don't add up as it relates to our D's. Not to mention her behavior in general is just all over the place. It is actually scary sometimes so I am trying to keep track of it all.

Thank you poschan for the support. It is greatly appreciated.

Thank you V for the reminder. It is a great love that I have for my lil angels and I know theirs is great for me. It is a great challenge for me as it is the love that create the ache in my heart when they are missing in my day. But I know that the joy I experience when they are with me is great. It is the ghosts of what I want for them that haunts. But reminder that we are a family is the comfort that calms the nerves when the ghosts come out.

Rich4j,

The moments when we are where families are is the most difficult for sure. I just hope and pray that i can be a good dad single. With a d that is graduating and one that is starting first grade, I just doubt being able to do well. It may be that my self confidence is really down, because I do know that I will give it all I have, but the faith in myself is sometimes frail.
Thank you for your support today.

So today started off well enough. I had a decent nights rest and woke up early and went jogging. Dropped d17 off for school and off to work. The day at work was normal, I felt calm and a co worker that I have confided in as he has been through 2 divorces, told me that I was handling it well and really seemed on track the past several weeks. I felt a bit tired, but things were moving normally.

Then I received an email from L with a bill much higher than quoted and I was not happy. Then he sent me an email from WAW L indicating he was not able to get a hold of her. This I knew because she told me she would not talk to him because she did not want to pay more.
So the mind starts in the swirl of what the he// am I gonna do. My L keeps trying to work and charging me, while she is dragging her feet and stalling. My finances are tied up, I can't move, get d a car, nor do anything. I feel trapped and anger starts to boil. She wants to leave me and our family and she won't leave. Grrrrrr.

I pick up d5 and I am happy, but I take a chance and ask WAW if we can figure this out and move forward. She says we can, she has someone looking at the paperwork (not her lawyer) but to bring the paperwork tomorrow and she will sign it. Weird, advice from a person not her lawyer. This is what she is doing?

So I then pick up d17and she appears to be feeling down. She says she feels so tired and it is making her emotional. I listen, I pep talk, I encourage. We discuss the meditation book we are reading. I tell her how the info in the book has helped me with the mind loops and remaining calm.

We arrive home, she is feeling better, I am feeling good and we head in. This is where it starts. I see the neighborhood kids and d5 wants to go play with them. Now I know each one of these kids are from broken homes, and not really the kids I have liked d5 hanging out with as I have seen some things where they take advantage of her with her toys. But d enjoys running around with them. I tell her she can for a few minutes. I walk into our home and then I feel uncomfortable. I think it is nothing and I am fine.

Then a few minutes later, I feel the waves of anxiety roll over me. I sit down and try to breath deeply to calm myself. D17 asks me if I am okay. I tell her to give me a few minutes and then went to the bathroom. I splashed my face with some cold water and came to the kitchen to get dinner started. Then the tears just start flowing. The mind starts racing and it goes on for 10 minutes. Me just sitting there crying like a baby.

I have never experienced anything like this before. The range of emotions were many and the mind funnel was all over the place.

We then had dinner. I played with d5 and d17 went to the church youth group event. I pulled up the finance paperwork and see it is still wrong, I cringe as I email L to ask him to change it as we had discussed already and hope he does not charge as it was wrong.

I then spend the rest of the evening cuddling with d5 watching cartoons until she fell asleep.

I received a text from WAW negotiating the terms of the finance agreement. I guess her person found something. Guess this means she won't sign again tomorrow.

I feel numb right now. Not sure if this is good or not. I just hope I sleep tonight. I want to escape this trap. How did I get stuck in this trap? I want to move forward to a future of hope and love.

I am going to find a pencil right now. I need to smile. D5 is next to me snoring. How cute is that?

Good night everyone. May you sleep well and may God watch over you and your families this night.

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you've been having being able to talk to your D5. How do your local courts regard obstruction of communication? Is there anything in your patenting agreement that you can use to help you maintain closer ties? Obviously occasional interruption can happen, but what you describe seems very calculated. Morally, it's miserable of your WAW to block you that way.

As for those markers of success that you mentioned, I think you probably ought to look at the last few months in a more objective way. You want it to all be better, but you really need to take a much closer look at how far you've already come.

I can't think of a single better way to truly appreciate where you are than to take stock of where you've been. I think you should go back and read your own posts over the last few months, starting early on. Heck, just pick a few random days if it's too hard to read all of it. Glance back, and I think that it won't take you long to see that you have passed some incredibly huge markers of success just in the last couple weeks alone. Go further and you will see more.

I read your posts and the amount of progress I can hear in them is amazing. You have shown such resiliency over a remarkably short period of time. My 3-hour cruise started in December, whereas your trip through he11 began in February! I'm not comparing our journeys, and never would presume to do so, as each one is unique, but I really just want to stress how much more concentrated your experience has been, time-wise. You've had so much to deal with in such a short period of time.

I've said it before and I suspect I'll say it again, SadHub, but you you need to be kind to yourself right now. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You are doing so much more than simply surviving. Every day you heal just a little bit more, you do something a bit different, your outlook changes just a smidge. All of those little things add up.

Think of watching a child grow. If you're with them every day, you can't appreciate how much taller they get each day, whereas if you didn't see that child for two months, the change would be huge! You are too close to yourself to truly appreciate how far you've come. Go back and read the notes left by your earlier self; he'll tell you all about the milestones that you've passed, my friend.

You are doing so well, SadHub. No, you're not healed, but you ARE healing. A little bit every day.

Pencil smiles and wishes for another healing day tomorrow. Breathe in that oxygen.

Thank you Phoebe for that perspective. It is always good to step back and see things in that manner.

I slept well considering the challenging day yesterday. I am up and functioning now and will enjoy the few minutes I have with my d's this morning.

I am focusing on having a PMA today as I feel a hint of anxiety under the surface, but am focusing to identify it and let it fade.

I do have a feeling of loss in this moment. It is painful. I miss the person that was my W for so many years. I miss the family unit that I had that I believed would be there for my life. I miss the thoughts of having a friend that I could confide and trust in.

I will have a good day. I will believe that I am strong enough to love her, detach and fight for my MR, even if it is only in my heart. Will she really ever come out of the fog. Is she even in a fog, or does she simply just know that she is done with the MR. I know the answers to this can not really matter as I must focus on me.

I will look to God for peace and comfort this day as I try to stay focused on what I can control. Me and only me, do I have control of.

SadHub your story so resonates with me and I've done some crying today and yesterday at a divorce care group at church. This has to be the most difficult thing I've ever been through and it really has just begun. It really helps to see that we are not alone and others are going through very similar journeys.