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It's also about respect. I learnt that i never showed her the respect that i thought i was, she also never showed me respect either.

The only reason someone will actually cheat on you is because they have lost respect for you and themselves. Without respect, there is no love. Show her the respect that you think she deserves, as your W. But that means saying no to her and putting yourself first too, until she can show respect to you and your family.

One of my problems was very rarely saying no, I have always done things for her. Even, for example, she has filled the car we have with gas 6 times in the almost 3 years we have been here because she always said she didn't like it. She never liked driving here so I drove everywhere. All these things and many others. I have friends saying to me now that I treated her like a princess, and she will get mad if I start saying no to her. I'm not saying I haven't made mistakes too, I am human and especially under stressful times I haven't been as positive or as outgoing as I normally would be. Some arguments went on to long for which are both at fault for. I know what I need to work on and have been, she has said on several occasions that she sees how much better I am with the kids, guess she doesn't trust it can be with her or doesn't want to believe it.
Have had several people say she doesn't seem to know what she wants, so I just need to detach like you say and 'let her go'.

I did the same things, my WW never even put the oven on, she only started driving because she had no choice - and now she talks about not having control over her life and she can't be her own person.

She never wanted to be her own person, she wanted me to do everything and when the perfect opportunity came, she had arrived and wanted to take it.

That's where I'm at DDJ, everything that I did for her because she didn't want to do it is being thrown at me. She wants to stand on her own 2 feet, wants to be more independent, her work permit is attached to me because I'm an EU citizen and while she used to be happy about that because it gave her more security here, even that's been used against me. Yet this 'friend' is there all the time now helping her out. She doesn't do things by herself. I heard her tell a friend at the beginning of the year how independent she was by opening her own bank account.

She accuses me of being controlling when she would not go look for a yoga class by herself, kept talking about I don't one but never did. She says now that she wanted be part of all the paperwork for the house we were building yet never did. When I asked for help with it, vary occasionally did I get it, most of the time I was too demanding. Help from her was there when it was offered, but generally when I asked for it, it wasn't. I'll admit that I wasn't the best version of myself the last couple of years building this house but I did think I had a partner that was there to support, guess I was wrong.

When she was still in the house, she even asked me to show her how to reset the router, how to unplug it and re-plug it... I offered her the paperwork for the house to look after the last month she was here and she did 1 bill that I sat and went through with her. Nothing else. Some friends have told me that she was the depended on me, she still wants me to fix her phone for her. While in the house, she still wanted me to help her with this, that and the other. Even though she was lying to me and the kids and sneaking off to his place a couple of times.

I know I still have some of my own issues to work out and will do so, don't always have the best of days as I still don't understand. One of my faults is although I forgive, I have trouble forgetting and then things have come back out when something similar happens again. I have always been the good friend type that helps people out even though they have treated me like crap. It's a hard mentally to change and my father is very similar, but I need to work on forgetting negative impacts. This being a big one of course, is a struggle, but I know I can do many things that I say I will. Really proud of myself that in January I decided to run a half marathon, never tried anything like that before, and in 3 months ran one in 2 hrs... I'm being heavily relied upon at work and it's been hard to focus at times but think I'm in line for a very good evaluation even though I've only been doing the job for 3 months officially. I'm not an engineer, my experience is as a technician but I pushed and got this engineering job and am very highly thought of by my new boss.

I guess she feels she can't be happy within the marriage to me, I was a pain in the ass on several occasions last year, yet I can't do everything for everybody. She sees herself as strong for giving up and quitting the marriage to gain her independence, I tried asking her why she couldn't do that within and got no answer.

I think that everyone has the same story, the wife that we showered, but never showed them what real love was about. Real love is about listening, respect and trust. I know that I lost that along the way too.

But I have an opportunity to regain all of that, so at least if things don't work out with my WW, i can take that into my next relationship. You're making a great start, i wandered why i stopped doing what made me happy too, but not anymore.

Try to disregard her and her foolhardiness, it will get you and her nowhere. You need to take control and not let it go.

I love this saying... "Give me the strength to accept the things that i cannot change, and change the things which i can". I think this speaks very real to the past, stop looking at it, look to the future, change that!

So I'm trying to work out what I want, like I said in another thread, I made mistakes when W first told me she felt attracted to someone else. I didn't do the work, find the resources that I needed. I let her back and was happy to have her back, didn't handle things correctly as I was doing it alone with how she needed to be as this was a work colleague. I got many things wrong, I put the focus on her even more and even less on myself. I get that she didn't do the work she needed to and this affairs either way are symptoms of other problems. We have been building a house in a foreign country where neither of us spoke the language, a challenge too far in hindsight. I did almost all the paperwork myself, a lot of the work in the house myself and we lost connection to each other. I got exhausted and stopped listening, getting many things wrong. I know she compared me to this OP and his social group of singles that had no kids, real responsibilities etc and that is who she has aligned herself with now.

My problem is the house is really not in a position to sell as we would come out with a huge loss, I'm the one having to look after it and do everything to keep 'us' from losing dramatically. Part of me just wants to sell it and take whatever loss we have and tell her that's the cost of it. She will have her half of the debt. Part of me thinks I'm just hanging outo it to rescue the financial and out of some hope that she wakes up in time. Am I just being the fool by struggling myself while she lives he life in her small apartment, she is putting some money into the mortgage but as our life means nothing to her anymore, I do feel a bit of a fool.

I know I'm early in my situation, it has been 5 months since BD and only been 6 weeks since she has been out of the house. I just wonder when we didn't fix it last year, if I missed the chance and now it's such a worse position if I am just hurting myself. I can look after the house for the rest of the year by myself but will not move forward with it much. Am I hanging on to things like the house and the piano I bought her last year as some silly hope.... Don't know!

Well, you're definitely not detaching, that is for certain. Sell the piano, say that you're struggling for money. And then spoil yourself.

I'm going to get a separation, i want to keep the house, but have to sell my Volvo. I love that car. But money and cars and houses don't make one happy. The poorest of people can appreciate even a slice of bread.

If it means that she incurs debt, then so be it. As long as you have a plan to pay your half back. Perhaps rather airbnb a spare room on weekends. You'd get to meet new people from other places. That sounds like fun!

You cannot change the past, you cannot change the past. As insane as it is, this is where we are now. But we have the ability to change right now and tomorrow.

Nope, definitely been having a bad couple of days.

So have had a couple of down days. Reading some of Coach's old posts as suggested by Sandi and have been finding them very useful.

I'm sorry you're feeling down. Do you have anything to take your mind off, or are you doing something to pamper yourself?

I just had a few difficult days (signing the separation agreement) and I went and bought myself a bottle of wine, some chocolate and a bottle of calming bubble bath.